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Original poster

2nd child quandry

31 replies

itsabeautifulnight · 29/07/2018 09:30

I'm 40 (just) and just cannot decide about a second child. My child is 4 and has lots of interaction with other children already - shows no signs of being adversely affected by having no sibling. However, I hate the thought my child is alone in the world if I get sick or die, but then I worry about money and financially providing for 2 children. We are comfortable no money issues but not rich and I worry about no pensions and providing for myself and two children. I just go round in circles and can't quite make peace with just having one but also freak out at the thought of two. My age is also a factor I'm permanently tired and see life as being so much easier with just one.

OP posts:
thenaughtyone · 29/07/2018 10:35

Do you have a partner?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 29/07/2018 10:43

It's a really hard one. I had our 2nd at 37 and it's had its ups and downs. He's just lovely but I do sometimes wonder how it would be with just our first (there's a fairly big age difference too).

Original poster
itsabeautifulnight · 29/07/2018 10:50

Yes I have a partner who like me can see the advantages and disadvantages of one...

OP posts:
Twotinydictators · 29/07/2018 11:29

I'd say dont have another just to provide a sibling - no guarantee they'll get on or support each other when adults. This is one to go with your heart on! I really wanted another but its been tough adjusting to two...definitely wont be a third!

llangennith · 29/07/2018 11:32

I always envied only children when I was very young but they envied people with siblings as they grew into teen years.
One of my DGC is an only and he has to fit in with what his parents are doing, if he had a sibling they'd be doing more child-centred stuff. If we go to a park or beach we have to take a friend or it's not much fun for him on his own.
I'd say go for it. Yes you'll be tired for the first year but it'll be worth it for you all.

KM99 · 29/07/2018 11:41

I understand your situation, OP.

I had DS when I was 38. I found suffering from PND and being so tired delayed the conversation about another. We started trying again when I turned 41. It's been over a year now and we are probably going to stop when I turn 43.

I am an only child myself and while I often wished for siblings when I was young, I also see from friends around me that have a sibling is no guarantee of closeness. I have friends who are NC with their siblings and others who see each other all the time.

Our main motivation for having another is to grow our family and get to experience the crazy journey all over again. But honestly, if it doesn't happen I've made my peace with that. No regrets. I can see a perfectly happy life with our DS where we maybe get to pay off mortgage, retire etc earlier.

IceCreamFace · 29/07/2018 12:07

One of my DGC is an only and he has to fit in with what his parents are doing, if he had a sibling they'd be doing more child-centred stuff. If we go to a park or beach we have to take a friend or it's not much fun for him on his own.

This definitely isn't true in general. Unless the siblings have a small age gap and happen to get on they won't necessarily entertain each other. The age gap for OP would be at least five years so it's not like they'll be playing together on the beach as friends would. It's also not compulsory to do only adult centred things with an only child - that's completely up to the parents!

Dreamingofkfc · 29/07/2018 12:37

As an only child, I'd say go for it. You won't regret it but might regret not having another one

CycleWoman · 29/07/2018 13:19

It’s a tough decision!

I’m an only and tbh when I was little it didn’t bother me in the slightest. I had a big extended family so had loads of cousins to play with and also had really good friends from school. So in that sense I don’t think being a singleton is a massive issue.

Although now I’m older I do very often wish I had a sibling or two. My parents are getting older and in the not too distant future will need a lot of help. I’m still very close with my extended family but they all have their own tighter knit little family units. Occasionally you can feel a little alone in the world!

I have just one DC and have thought long an hard about another as I had a tough time with PND. But based on my experience as a singleton I think I will try for another.

PositiveVibez · 29/07/2018 13:24

One of my DGC is an only and he has to fit in with what his parents are doing, if he had a sibling they'd be doing more child-centred stuff

Then that is the failing of your son/daughter and their partner. The fact they do not cater to their child, is not because they have 1 child. It's because they do not want to.

bridgetreilly · 29/07/2018 13:32

I think the big question is: do you want another child?

The other stuff about pensions and money and health and so on will all sort themselves out, either way. But do you actually want another child? For themselves, not as a sibling.

daughterofanarchy · 29/07/2018 13:37

think through very carefully - I underestimated the impact of a second child on our family unit. I love DC2 but im struggling with two.

Glumglowworm · 29/07/2018 14:07

I would say never have another child just to give your child a sibling

There’s no guarantee that they’ll get on, they may hate each other and never speak once they’re adults. Or they may just be opposite personalities with nothing in common except the same parents.

If parents want to do child centred activities then they will, whether they have one child or six. Equally, if parents want their child/children to fit in with them then they will do that regardless of how many kids they have.

trojanpony · 29/07/2018 14:43

I would say never have another child just to give your child a sibling

There’s no guarantee that they’ll get on, they may hate each other and never speak once they’re adults. Or they may just be opposite personalities with nothing in common except the same parents.
This x100

Original poster
itsabeautifulnight · 29/07/2018 14:52

This is what worries me, In what way are you struggling daughter?

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulnight · 29/07/2018 14:52

I think the big question is: do you want another child?

bridge this is my problem I really don't know!

OP posts:
Original poster
itsabeautifulnight · 29/07/2018 14:53

I completely accept they may not get on or play with one another as the gap would be 5 years

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 29/07/2018 14:53

Your child doesn't need a sibling. Unless you want another baby and raise another child then dont have one. Your child will be perfectly happy and well adjusted without a sibling

Original poster
itsabeautifulnight · 29/07/2018 15:16

I think I may like another child though this is what I can't decide.
I'm a complete introvert so worry about the stress of parenting two (I think I cope fine with one).

OP posts:
MoonlightMedicine · 29/07/2018 15:24

This is hard to type. I don’t regret having my second child but life would have been a lot more harmonious and easier had we stopped at one. My 2 couldn’t be more different, and dc2 is incredibly demanding and challenging. It’s luck of the draw though.

jeanne16 · 29/07/2018 15:27

I had exactly the same concerns as you. I finally had DC2 4.5 years after DC1. My main motivation was not leaving DC1 alone in the world after I was gone. They are now 24 and 19 and don’t have a particularly close relationship unfortunately. I feel sad about that but I don’t regret having DC2 at all. I love them both but DC2 is far more easy going and I can’t imagine life without him.

UnaOfStormhold · 29/07/2018 15:29

I'd really recommend Parenting your only child as a way to think through these issues, explore your motivations for wanting another child and the advantages and disadvantages for only vs multiple children. It's a bit weighted towards counteracting the "having an only child is unfair to the child" mindset that is so common, but worth a read.

Joe66 · 29/07/2018 15:33

I had only one and there are a lot of advantages. Probably a closer relationship, more money for schooling, uni etc and holidays are a lot cheaper.

Stinkyswan · 29/07/2018 15:35

I think if you overthink it you will always come out with a no - you know what you're getting into with a 2nd after all. Myself and DH went through this and came to a firm NO, then oops 3 months later I was pregnant and had DS at 39. We have a 9 year age gap. You never regret it once they're here. I'm now having the dilemma about a third.

Fivefootoffun · 29/07/2018 15:38

I am in a similar situation - I've posted a few times recently regarding it.

We have dd 18 months and I just am so undecided about number 2. We have no family near by, both v late 30's and really need to make a decision. My DH is really keen for number 2 in order to provide a sibling, company in later life etc even though both of us have siblings on the other side of the world we barely see!

If we were younger and had family around I think I would have s second but as it stands now, I fear it would be detrimental to our unit if 3. My hubby argues that this is only the case for the early years. He reckons fast forward 10 years and we'd be better off as a family of 4!

If I had my time again I would have my dd again in a heart beat. My fear is if I had no 2 - whilst I might not regret the little one itself - If I had my time again I wouldn't have had number 2.

Hard decision either way!

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