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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my baby away a night a week

75 replies

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 07:34

Just that really. Baby not sleeping great (though never has) so he wants baby to stay with family for a night each week, every week. So not just a one off or occasional visit. I understand he’s tired, me too! But I don’t think this is the way to solve the problem, what about the other 6 nights!

OP posts:

PerverseConverse · 29/07/2018 10:34

So LO would be spending over half the week with GPS. Sod that.

heavandhell · 29/07/2018 10:37

Do you know why your little one keeps waking up?

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 11:10

Thanks @whatwouldkeithrichardsdo that’s useful to hear, at leat I’m not on my own! Yes LO would be there quite a bit. @heavandhell , I’m not sure! I don’t think it’s good though will eat if offered. LO does bits of crying in sleep and will wake up crying rather than waking up, not being able to get back to sleep so crying. If that makes sense?

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 29/07/2018 11:18

I cannot believe this. You both decided to have a child and he needs to accept everything that comes with being part of a parent, the good and the bad. If that is his attitude to his child it is him I would be getting rid of.

heavandhell · 29/07/2018 11:30

Have you thought about letting LO cry it out?

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 11:37

@heavandhell have tried controlled crying a few times. reassuring etc without picking up then leaving coming back etc. LO just continued to get more upset. I wouldn’t really want to try it again, it takes all night to calm him after our attempts. I think between us we need to decide on a new strategy and stick to it. Just not sure what it is yet!

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2018 11:39

OP I have read some of your other posts - you already feel you see them too much and they are eroding your boundaries.

He is just dressing it up now another way

crimsonlake · 29/07/2018 11:53

You have a partner problem, not a baby problem. Your child should not be treated as an inconvenience to be got rid of when things are not suiting your op.

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 11:54

Thank you @quartz yes that is exactly how it feels. I’m really struggling at the moment to know if I’m being some ridiculous person or if my feelings are sensible/normal. Makes you feel crazy sometimes!

OP posts:

likeacrow · 29/07/2018 11:55

Never.

Seasawride · 29/07/2018 11:57

Who is this family member who will do this every week?? Wow that’s one hell of an ask.

Op why don’t you try a sleep consultant?

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 12:00

@seasawride mother in law, more than up for it. She’s great, lovely, loves LO but very keen.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2018 12:03

You are being perfectly normal - you can and should say no because you are not happy with it and that is ok

And you need to tell your husband that you are both the parents and to stop trying to override you as it is too much.

NemoRocksMyWorld · 29/07/2018 12:06

My third baby had reflux and just didn't sleep. I was just breast feeding him all day and most of the night ( feeding for comfort) when not being fed he would cry. I also had a just three year old and an ASD four year old who had just started reception. I have literally never been as tired, I barely remember it.

Anyhow we all used to go up to my wonderful mil every Friday night. She would cook dinner, help put older ones to bed, then help with baby in the evening (walk, rock etc)....she is a baby whisperer. I would feed baby at about eleven, and then go to bed. She stayed downstairs and slept on the sofa with baby in Moses basket next to her (there was room upstairs but she didn't want baby to disturb me). She would give a bottle or two of even over night when necessary and I would get up at five and feed again.

I don't know if something like that would work for you? It was so amazing for me. I trust mil implicitly though and knew she would get me if baby couldn't be consoled. Somehow even though I wasn't doing direct care overnight it felt ok because I was in the same house iyswim.

I am very very lucky with mil though....

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 12:15

Yes it might something like could work in theory, but at the moment in laws house doesn’t have a spare room, so I would be on the couch (unless I wanted to share with FIL!!) which I definitely don’t want to sign up for on a regular basis. But it’s certainly worth a thought. I also don’t think MIL would allow it and I’m too polite to insist!

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2018 12:21

OP you need to change your mindset - you are the mother you are in charge you say what goes - at the moment I get the impression what you want is right at the bottom of the list.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 29/07/2018 12:31

You need to get a sleep specialist and you need to send your husband to sleep at his parents if he wants it so badly.

You are the mother. You decide.

spottyhankerchiefs · 29/07/2018 12:38

2 night wakings is great for an 8 month old! Please don't let anyone make you think there is something wrong with you or your baby. Of course it's knackering, but it is a perfectly normal sleeping pattern for a baby.

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 12:44

I am working on changing my thinking, this helps a lot! Thank you everyone for your comments!

OP posts:

BounceAndJump · 29/07/2018 12:46

My 8 month old DC3 wakes 3-5 times a night, I've not thought anything of it he's just a baby!
I'd imagine sending a baby to different places once a week at night time when they want their parents most would make them more unsettled and clingy and therefore sleep worse.

If its not what you want then definitely don't, if you would both like a break then its OK but personally it seems like a short term break for worse longer term issues.

Can't DP sleep in a spare room/the sofa once a week to catch up on sleep instead rather than expecting a baby to sleep elsewhere?

lily2403 · 29/07/2018 12:54

11 to 4 is pretty good, why doesn’t oh deal with the 11 while you sleep then you deal with the 4 and let him sleep, then you both at least getting a good run of uninterrupted sleep

Allthewaves · 29/07/2018 13:08

I would jump at it. One full nights kip would have helped me mentally so much when dc were small

PedroLostHisGlasses · 29/07/2018 13:41

Mine used to regularly stay at my parents', this was because my mum had them a couple of days while I worked and it was easier than schlepping them back and forth. When they were that little though (under 18mo or so) I used to go and stay at my parents' too. It was lovely as it meant I wasn't struggling alone (husband used to work some quite late nights, coming home past their bedtime) and Mum would cook for me, hold the babies when I was feeling touched out, be a bit of company. We're a cosleeping family and they slept in my parents' bed too sometimes if I wanted a night "off" but as I was in the same house I still saw them in the morning etc.

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 13:42

@lily2403 that’s pretty much what happens, which is why I'm thinking as some pp have said that it might not all be about sleep.

OP posts:

lily2403 · 29/07/2018 13:50

Ah dh needing some alone time...that comes in time. If that is what he wants perhaps ask lovely parents etc for a night every so often and have a date day night together. This seems to work for us
Honest convo in the near future I suggest

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