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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my baby away a night a week

75 replies

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 07:34

Just that really. Baby not sleeping great (though never has) so he wants baby to stay with family for a night each week, every week. So not just a one off or occasional visit. I understand he’s tired, me too! But I don’t think this is the way to solve the problem, what about the other 6 nights!

OP posts:

PintOfMineralWater · 29/07/2018 08:20

No, not "a man thing". Not all men are the same. Maybe a sleep-deprived parent thing. But that's what we sign up for.

Tobebythesea · 29/07/2018 08:22

I would have also jumped at the chance but I’m not you. Do what you are comfortable with.

Billben · 29/07/2018 08:22

No way would I agreed to this. Get him some earplugs, send him to the spare room or send him off to the relatives one day a week. These would be my DH’s options I’m afraid.

OddS0ck · 29/07/2018 08:30

Whether other posters would have jumped at the chance to have their baby having an overnight weekly, isn't the issue.

OP doesn't want to. Her baby is sleeping fine for an 8 month old and OP doesn't feel she sees him enough as it is, without losing an evening and morning.

OP if you dont want your baby regularly having overnights, say no. This time, although it doesn't seem like it, is fleeting. You'll never get it back. Don't let someone else pressure you into this.

No criticism of poster who are happy for their baby to have regular overnights. Their baby, it's up to them, what works for you.

PerverseConverse · 29/07/2018 08:30

No way. My daughters didn't sleep through until they went to school! Ds was still waking in the night for a feed at 2.5. The only time I've been away from him overnight was when I was in hospital for 2 nights. It took him months to recover as developed separation anxiety. Your LO is 8 months old and developmentally likely to have separation anxiety at around 9 months. Sounds like your husband isn't coping with normal baby behaviour and wants an easy way out. It's a lot of responsibility for a relative to take on, especially every week. My friend used to send her kids to grandma's for two nights a week from babyhood and succeed dreadful guilt and her children started to get distressed when they got older and wonder why they weren't at home on a Friday night when she didn't have to get up for work. She's reduced it to one night now. Everyone is different though. My daughters go to their dad's EOW and half the holidays and have been going to his for 5 years now and I still hate not having them here. If you're not happy you need to tell him. I'd take it in turns to sleep elsewhere and get a good sleep, even if that's just in the spare room with ear plugs.

limon · 29/07/2018 08:33

Yanbu. My dd still doesn't sleep through at home and she's six, but we've never wanted her away overnight.

Apehouse · 29/07/2018 08:34

Let the DP sleep somewhere else instead. Babyhood is such a short time, and it’s precious.

liquidrevolution · 29/07/2018 08:35

Lots of people will say why don't you and they wish they had got the chance to so similar. But if you don't wish it then you don't have to.

If you are going back to work you need to take turns. My DH can be a twat but he completely understands this. Sun - weds nights it's 50/50. I do thursday alone as he works friday and I dont. He does friday night so I get an equal break.

81Byerley · 29/07/2018 08:35

What about suggesting OH stays away one night a week instead? A lot of babies don't sleep well, and it's something you have to put up with. Disturbing his routine won't help. Where does the baby sleep? Some babies are easily disturbed by parents moving, snoring, getting up for the loo, etc. Some babies wake because they use a dummy and they can't find it.

When I was fostering, another foster carer and I used to take it in turns to have a baby overnight so the Mum could get a nights sleep once a week. Neither of us ever had a problem with the baby's sleep, so I had a chat with the Mum. It turned out that she was going to his room to check his breathing numerous times, and waking him.

I had a rule with my children / foster children, which was not to reward night time waking (Obviously past the newborn stage). So I would always get up to them, lie them down if they were sitting or standing, give them the dummy if they used one. I never spoke to them, would briefly pat their backs or stroke their heads. And I definitely never took them out of their rooms. It did work for me and the dozens of children I cared for, so it might be worth a try.

Summersup · 29/07/2018 08:43

I agree with the person who said 8 months onwards is prime separation anxiety time, it may make the other 6 nights worse!

If they are very keen to help, why not take the baby out on a Sat or Sun afternoon for 3 hours, to give you both time to lie down/have a nap. It's a bit outrageous he's flapping about sleep when you are working f/t too.

We used to do one weekend nap each and have 'quiet time' on Sun when the kids got older. You do have to take the baby out though to really sleep- otherwise they stand outside your door and cry for the other parent!

ApplesTheHare · 29/07/2018 08:45

I don't think it will help sleep in the long term. What your baby needs is time to grow and to learn that mum and dad are always there. I'd concentrate on promoting confidence and good sleep at home

redcaryellowcar · 29/07/2018 08:46

You must do what feels right for you and you will know if it's working or you aren't happy. I used to take my ds to stay with me at my mums, she was lovely, cooked tasty healthy meals for me, brought me cups of tea and dh got a good nights sleep, seemed a good compromise. I agree with pp, could your dp go to sleep elsewhere now and again, as this would be easiest for baby and you?

MeridianB · 29/07/2018 08:46

Definitely not. He can go and sleep with family one night a week if it will help him to help you and baby more the other six.

Thesearmsofmine · 29/07/2018 08:49

YANBU, I didn’t let my babies stay out until they were reliably sleeping well, I could never bear the thought of them waking up wanting me and me not being there when they were too small to understand.

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2018 08:52

His sleep sounds within normal range and I’m sorry but he is your responsibility you can’t just get someone o look after him one night a week - for how long?

Yes take out for trips etc

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 08:55

Thank you for all the suggestions. I am back in work already - we take it in turns throughout the night in theory, but I do the majority. That’s more my fault feeling guilty that OH is up and tired and obviously struggling more than me.
Posters who would have been up for it, in an attempt to understand my OH a bit more, what would you have foreseen to be ideal? Once sleeping was much better on the 6 days would you have wanted LO back for that final day, or would you have been happy with that amount of time without them permanently? Again I’m just trying to understand where my OH is coming from.

OP posts:

Bumdishcloths · 29/07/2018 09:00

Your OH is being selfish, essentially. If he wants "more sleep" he doesn't get to farm the baby out to family - what if you didn't have family, what would he do then? The cynic in me doesn't think it's to do with sleep though.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 29/07/2018 09:11

This happened to me. Think really hard before allowing it. DH was too happy to send our kids to his mother for 'breaks'. It can cause many problems. It's about setting the right balance, but I wouldn't agree to it being a regular thing.

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 09:16

@bumdishclothes thinking about it, I think he would probably asking for the night away even if sleep wasn’t an issue. It’s always been on the table. @whatwouldkeithrichardsdo what did you decide in the end?

OP posts:

Bezm · 29/07/2018 09:28

Some people need more sleep than others. My DH can manage for a while on very little sleep so he can stay up late and wake early. I, however, need at least 8 hours to function ok.
When our DD was a baby, and once I went back to work when she was 2 months old, I would go to bed after her 8oclock feed having put her down. He would do her midnight feed then come to bed. I would do the 4am feed and get another couple of hours sleep and we would both be up at 7 with her getting ready for work.
She would sleep at his mums house every few weeks on a Saturday night. (From about 3 months once she was sleeping through). We would both have a massive clean up, big shop, have a nice meal at home with a couple of drinks and usually fall asleep by 9😂. We would pick her up at breakfast and all eat together at MILs. It was very necessary for both of us to have this time together. We were happier which meant we were all happier!
In my experience (and I have lots as a teacher), true attachment issues are very rare in children that come from families where grandparents have a significant input into their care, and where mothers in particular are not so possessive of their babies that they believe the babies will suffer psychological trauma if anyone else so much as looks at them! Most children with attachment issues have witnessed domestic abuse between parents, have one or more parents with alcohol or drug issues or significant mental health issues, or have been in care from a young age. Also, parents who have split up and cannot be amicable about the care of the children as a result.
If your OH feels that having a sleepover would help, then why not try it? Don't commit to a weekly one in the first place. Or just go for one day a month at the weekend? It's very important for a healthy relationship that you do have time for each other. As new parents, the stress can be immense and lots of parents split up as a result. That would most certainly be far more damaging to your child than an overnight with a doting grandparent.

Original poster

Alibaba87 · 29/07/2018 09:33

@bezm thanks for comments and advice. LO does already stay at GPS, probably every 6 weeks or so. I don’t have an issue with LO staying anywhere it’s the regularity of it of every week I’m struggling with. GPS also look after LO 3 days a week whilst we work. And also, rather selfishly maybe (!) I’m not worried about baby’s attachment ( LO loves grandma) but more my own! And how I already feel I don’t see LO enough.

OP posts:

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 29/07/2018 09:54

Just saw your update. I think there is a balance to be struck. I was too accommodating when I was a new mother. Too eager to please my DH. Too polite to say no to my MIL.

It was a long road but I have now found my voice. I am fine with occasional sleepovers but I don't want it to be a regular thing. Your baby is young. I had problems with my children starting to see my husband's parent's house as 'their home'. My MIL is quite overbearing in her 'kindness'. Lines began to blur between parenting and grandparenting. She also did childcare for us. She loved doing it. I'm grateful for it. But it has a really strong effect on me - I felt a distance from my children. I should add we also had a bilingualism issue.

I don't think you are at this stage yet but I regret not being tougher and more protective of my role as mother.

Nomad86 · 29/07/2018 09:58

Could you go with the baby? Your OH gets a rest, you're not separated from your baby but you still get help with the night time wakings.

MarshaBradyo · 29/07/2018 10:01

No that’s too much

BobbinsBoo1 · 29/07/2018 10:06

I would agree to it quite happily but I'm pretty sure my dh wouldn't. He copes much better on less sleep than I do though.

But if you're not comfortable with it then don't do it. Find another way for dh to get more sleep. No need to agree to something you're not happy with.

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