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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Polite or annoying?

59 replies

Emotionaleater · 28/07/2018 23:30

Ok, so this is a hypothetical situation, but I would like to hear views as I might be in this situation soon.
So, if you don’t like (for a better word) people of a certain religion, and a family as such moved near you, would you be annoyed at them trying to introduce themselves/bringing small gift as a ‘hi, new neighbour’ thing?
Trying to work out if that would be a no, never, would make my blood boil more, or would that be acceptable?
Really interested to hear what people have to say

OP posts:

toomuchtooold · 29/07/2018 08:44

It has the same kind of prejudice that calling black people 'non-white' or SEN children 'non-normal'

It's not the same kind of prejudice because it's coming from a place of keeping oneself safe. The OP, or her family, have presumably experienced prejudice in the past, they are in the minority, it's a position of less power and relatively more vulnerability and if anticipating problems and planning round them requires them to infer that some of their neighbours may be bigoted, that's too bad.

Presumably you wouldn't tell a young woman that by taking the long way home after a night out she was being unfair to the perfectly harmless men that she might have passed if she'd taken a shortcut through the park? This is the same.

TotHappy · 29/07/2018 10:06

I live in a very non diverse outskirt (can hardly call it a suburb) of a small, rural town. When i read the op I thought you were a Jehovah's Witness. That's the only group I could think might meet with initial hostility to a door knock, maybe if you'd been out door knocking in that area before so they would recognise you from that? I think cake etc might be appreciated, but would prob just be seen as weird. I would just smile and introduce yourself when you see.

BlueJava · 29/07/2018 10:24

To be honest it depends on the area and the "forcefulness" of the religion and how you go about it. If anyone religious moves into my very middle class area I don't mind unless they force the religion on me (e.g. if I lived next door to a Jehovah's Witness and they tried to convert me I'd be angry as I'm atheist). If you moved next door to me and you're Muslim in niqab/hijab but are polite and don't try and convert me I'm fine with it. However, if you're in a white area that's rough some people may have an issue.

Just bear in mind that whilst religions have different boundaries, people of those religions also have differences as (speaking for myself and completely non religious) that can be confusing. I had a Muslim friend at work, we got on well, but she would only eat food from home, never out. So if we spent lunch time together she'd bring food for both of us (which was really kind of her) but her food had to be of a certain sort (I am not sure what made it different) . On the other hand we are friends with a Muslim family from school but they are happy to eat with us, the Dad is happy to have 1 beer too.

If there were new neighbours and they brought something round (e.g. cake as a hi new neighbour thing) I would take it they are trying to show friendliness and I'd reciprocate and take it from there.

NewYearNewMe18 · 29/07/2018 10:30

Offering of gifts is interesting - different religions have different dietary requirements of course. So if you are the gift giver you need to be aware of that. So flowers perhaps?

I always stick a card through saying 'welcome to the street, hope you're happy here, from Us at Number XYZ' - only to get a frosty 'I don't do coffee mornings' snarky comment back when I waved. I don't do coffee mornings either

Apehouse · 29/07/2018 10:52

Mmm, there is such a thing as trying too hard. Isn’t it better for new neighbours to get to know the existing residents gradually? Start with ‘hello’ and see what response you get.

slithytove · 29/07/2018 11:27

Yep being ‘preached’ at is the only thing that would bother me about a religious neighbour, which in my experience is very unlikely no matter how religious they are. In fact there is only one religion where the members have tried to convert me (JW).

Couldn’t care less what religion people are personally. Dunk how awful to have to be on your guard like that - another example of white privilege (or the religious equivalent?) - I genuinely would not have thought that this was the case nowadays. I hope it wouldn’t be in my neighbourhood.

That being said, a bigot will be a bigot no matter what you do.

ushuaiamonamour · 29/07/2018 11:35

Do you have good reason to believe that your new neighbours will be bigots or are you simply assuming they might be because you've already encountered so much bigotry elsewhere?

Introducing yourself is a nice idea But as for taking food--As others have pointed out it's not unusual for people to welcome new neighbours with little treats but myself, I'd look askance at a new neighbour bringing me (as an established resident) food. I've never heard of this being done and if it were done to me it would cross my mind that the new people might be looking for instant best buddies or even be laying the ground for asking favours in the near future. It's very nice of you to consider doing this but I'm not sure I'd like being on the receiving end.

Original poster

Emotionaleater · 29/07/2018 15:43

Thank you everyone for the replies.
I would never impose/or even share my religious beliefs unless asked as I (and family) don’t believe in doing so.

I only feel wary, because not so long ago my parents moved. It’s a lovely area, and a beautiful quiet street. However, a gentleman a few doors away wasn’t happy. He openly said he didn’t expect those types to live on his road. My parents made an effort, giving gifts, food etc. Anyway, It was nice to see that he started chatting more about ‘normal’ things if you bumped into him (typical convos like weather etc). So, I guess that’s where I lm coming from, but I do believe there is such a thing as being too nice which doesn’t always go down too well either.
We haven’t moved just yet (hopefully not too long now ).

I do appreciate reading the replies, it helps look at things the ‘other way’.

OP posts:

DunkandEggAgain · 29/07/2018 16:05

slithytove - its easy to go, don't be silly, i doubt its that bad, you're being precious. The first thread i opened this morning was about an OP with a messy/rustic garden - she's received complaints and a threat to sue from a neighbour WITH comments from said neighbour of a racist nature that its BECAUSE she's foreign, her garden is like the way it is.
As i said, daily micro aggressions. In the grand scheme of things it's extremely trivial. We're not getting beat up in the streets (erm..well...) like the so called Paki bashing of the 70s and similar, but...anyway, I'll end up derailing the thread if I carry on.
Keep on/keep calm/carry on OP and all that. I get you.

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