AIBU to be upset with DH after teasing DS about his weight?

[Hpbln]

The backstory: DS is 14, he’s put on quite a bit of weight recently, especially over the last year or so, especially around his stomach. I’ve spoken to DS sensitively about this, who is a reasonably active child - he plays tennis and swims, and DS acknowledges that he’s gained weight, so is making sensible diet choices, but is not ‘on a diet’ - I understand that it’s perfectly normal for teenage DC to gain weight to fuel a growth spurt, which DS doesn’t appear to have had yet so am not too concerned.

DH this evening went over to DS while he was sitting on the sofa and said ‘I think you need to go on a diet X, you’re too unhealthy and obviously aren’t looking after yourself properly.’

I then interjected saying that it was normal for teenagers to gain a bit of weight and that if X kept on being reasonably sensible, he would be fine in the long run.

DH then carried on having a go at DS who is v sensitive saying ‘Just look at his belly though, it isn’t right for a child to be like this, he needs to sort it out and go on a diet. Other boys aren’t like this.’

That just angered me no end and so DH and I had a massive argument even though we don’t argue much. DS is v upset unsurprisingly.

I understand that DH had good intentions (or so he claimed) for DS not to be bullied at school etc., but I think DH was just downright mean. So AIBU to be upset with DH over this as we don’t seem to be speaking atm...

YANBU how does your husband think that bullying him at home will stop bullying at school? Good intentions my arse.

Oh poor DS. I really feel for him having to listen to his dad talk like that to him. Just really insensitive and hurtful.

Go to bed and talk to DH in the morning when you've calmed down a bit and try and get through to him that saying what he did was cruel and not helpful at all.

That isn't good intentions at all. Poor kid. That's how eating disorders are created. If he wants to help he gets the lad involved in something physical, be it an organised sport or a bit of DIY around the house to get him moving. Honestly, if my husband tried to speak like that to a child of mine, he'd be out the door.

Depends on how big your ds is though. . . If he's wider than he is high, then you need to take your 'mummy glasses' off!

Otherwise, your DH is horrible. Is he birth dad?

Even if your DS is very overweight, your DH would be out of line. Destroying a child's happiness and self esteem is never okay.

Thank you - I’ll talk to DH in morning when I’ve calmed down... I want DS to be conscious of his health, but as you’ve said, not bullied by his own father and certainly not to develop any kind of eating disorder.

KeepServing: He’s really not that overweight - he used to be quite slim, so the extra weight is noticeable, but really he’s just a bit more ‘padded’ and his belly isn’t particularly noticeable with clothes on. He really doesn’t eat badly either.

And yes - he is birth dad.

That was very mean of your husband, but likewise, if he has been gaining weight for over a year for a growth spurt that is still yet to come then maybe there is an issue here.

I dunno, so many parents can’t recognise when their child is overweight. Your DS is well past the ‘puppy fat’ age and is actually of the age where they should naturally start getting leaner. Are you sure he’s not fat?

DH could’ve been more diplomatic but he sounds like he’s just worried for DS’s health and wants to help him nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand. I wish my parents had done that for me when I started getting fat!

Well it depends what you mean by putting on a bit of weight. If he's stocky, waiting for a growth spurt, then fine. If he's got a fat stomach and moobs, then it's not a growth spurt coming, it's bad diet/insufficient exercise and needs to be dealt with, and your DH's comment may well be factually correct and quite reasonable.

Obviously, it's not OK to be unkind (but it doesn't seem your DH was being so), but gently telling your son he needs to lose a few pounds if he's an overweight 14 year old is responsible parenting. Ignoring a 14 year olds weight gain, and allowing them to become obese is poor parenting.

Your DH doing that is likely to have the opposite effect on your son and may could lead to him comfort eating. My DD is quite a bit younger than your son, 10 years younger actually, but every so often I notice she is getting a podge and think I will cut down the amount of food she has and within a couple of days the podge has gone and she shoots up. I am no where near the teenage years with mine yet, but he will be gearing up for puberty and a growth spurt.

Oh and YANBU your DH was a bully and what he did was dreadful. If I were you I would show him this thread and the responses as back up.

Ok, on second reading, your husband should have left it after the first comment, and possibly was being unkind. However, I would still say the parent that deals with the excess weight is the better parent than the one that ignores it.

You can't judge a child's weight at a snapshot in time like that. It fluctuates naturally depending on where they are in their growth pattern. Likelihood is in 6 months he'll be a 6ft beanpole with not a pick on him. If your DH doesn't pack it in he'll give his son massive issues over his self esteem and self image. 14 is the worst possible age to be making thoughtless & tactless personal remarks. Was he never 14 himself???

The op was not ignoring it. She has spoken to her DS sensitively who is aware of his weight gain and is changing his diet. At the end of the day a diet will only work when someone wants to do it for themselves and not to please someone else. After years of weight gain I am finally losing weight and I am doing it for me and for my health

Thanks everyone - I’m now a bit worried that maybe it is something more than just normal teenage growing weight... I want to talk to DS about it tomorrow, what should I say? Should I be a bit more frank than before? I don’t want to upset DS but at the same time don’t want him to be unhealthy.

Do you think I should weigh him or take him to the doctors or is that too far?

Also did most of your DSs have the growth spurt and slim down by 14?

Thank you for your help everyone.

Your husband being concerned about your son's weight is good, the way he approached it was shit. I think you need to sit down as a family and discuss things, and your husband needs to apologize. I also think you need to possibly take your blinders off and realise that your son may very well be far too heavy and to stop deluding yourself with the "growth spurt" excuse. If he needs dietary help, the time to sort it is now.

You probably do need to check his BMI. If he has a belly then yes it needs to be sorted. If he still has some growing to do then usually the goal is to maintain his current weight while he grows but it sounds like he might be fairly overweight. What's his diet like?

It sounds like your DH wasn't particularly sensitive but if he just got it wrong I'd let it go. The bigger issue is your son's health.

While I think that the OP's dh has not handled this situation at all well my understanding is that the idea that children put on weight in order to fuel growth spurts is largely a myth. They do tend to eat more while they are actually growing but the OP doesn't mention her ds getting taller over the last year while he's been putting on weight. Boys tend to have their peak teenage growth between 14 and 15, but some may grow earlier or later (mine still seems to be growing at 19). Overweight children generally grow into overweight adults so it's really best not to ignore the issue in the hope that it will sort itself out. Teenagers mostly put on weight because they are eating unhealthily (often because once at secondary school there is less adult oversight) and because they are much less active than younger children.

How long has it been since you've had the talk with your DS? Has he lost any weight since?

You sound lovely. Your DH was cruel and unhelpful.

I think this situation calls for plain speaking, most teenage boys are skinny, not developing a pot belly. You have been diplomatic and sensitive but that has n’t worked, it sounds like you’re in denial about this issue. your son won’t be harmed by being told the truth

My ds will over eat. I had a word with him about portion sizes, which has had an effect.

However, dh is not on board about this. Which is v annoying as ds has a belly and is self conscious about it. Dh will encourage him to eat more.

You should talk to your dh about empathy and get him to support ds. Maybe take him out for a run or to the gym.

I need to talk to my dh about health and how ds doesn’t want to be overweight.

We’re going to have a talk with DS in a bit. DH and I have discussed better ways to approach what happened yesterday and he’s recognised that he handled the situation really badly and is going to apologise to DS.

We’re going to do BMI calc on DS to show him that being overweight is a problem that can’t be ignored and discuss ways to improve his lifestyle. However he’s probably going to be resistant to getting on the scales...

Please don't take him to the GP. Please don't let your husband make this into an issue for him now, it will most likely follow him for the rest of his life.
I get heartily sick of all the MNers who seem to think that a bit of extra fat on children is immediate cause for concern. Children go through different stages with their bodies as they grow. At no point should they be made to feel bad about it, or even worse put in a diet.
Encourage exercise, find something that he really enjoys doing, prepare healthy meals, get him to cook them with you, have less crap in the house for snacking. Create a healthy environment but do not make him feel bad.
I am posting with heartfelt experience as someone who was first put on a diet aged 12 by my well meaning mother. I have never ever felt happy to just be me, I have yoyo dieted my whole life, and I have two DS who I am determined will not follow the same route.

Oh God I have just read your update, please don't weigh him and do a BMI calculation! You're just setting him up for a lifetime of being fixates with numbers. This is the worst thing you can do. Have a discussion about exercise and healthy eating as I posted above.