AIBU to be upset with DH after teasing DS about his weight?

[Hpbln]

The backstory: DS is 14, he’s put on quite a bit of weight recently, especially over the last year or so, especially around his stomach. I’ve spoken to DS sensitively about this, who is a reasonably active child - he plays tennis and swims, and DS acknowledges that he’s gained weight, so is making sensible diet choices, but is not ‘on a diet’ - I understand that it’s perfectly normal for teenage DC to gain weight to fuel a growth spurt, which DS doesn’t appear to have had yet so am not too concerned.

DH this evening went over to DS while he was sitting on the sofa and said ‘I think you need to go on a diet X, you’re too unhealthy and obviously aren’t looking after yourself properly.’

I then interjected saying that it was normal for teenagers to gain a bit of weight and that if X kept on being reasonably sensible, he would be fine in the long run.

DH then carried on having a go at DS who is v sensitive saying ‘Just look at his belly though, it isn’t right for a child to be like this, he needs to sort it out and go on a diet. Other boys aren’t like this.’

That just angered me no end and so DH and I had a massive argument even though we don’t argue much. DS is v upset unsurprisingly.

I understand that DH had good intentions (or so he claimed) for DS not to be bullied at school etc., but I think DH was just downright mean. So AIBU to be upset with DH over this as we don’t seem to be speaking atm...

YANBU and I'm surprised at some of the replies here. It's not wrong as a parent to talk to your DS about his weight, sensitively, and to support him in losing weight if he'd like to. If he's overweight, he'll know - it's a myth that heavier people are blissfully unaware of their weight and need well-meaning family members to point it out to them, but as your DS is young and isn't buying all his own food, it's a good idea, and good parenting, to support him with it.

Comments like this are shockingly unhelpful for anyone, let alone a sensitive teenager:

"Just look at his belly though, it isn’t right for a child to be like this, he needs to sort it out and go on a diet. Other boys aren’t like this."

Imagine the response if a MNetter had posted that someone close to them told them this (replacing child/boy with woman, of course). It's bullying behaviour. And I think it's far better for someone to be overweight, happy and confident than slim and with damaged self-esteem and issues around food and weight because they were told things like this. (And because shaming people into losing weight doesn't usually work, it's even more likely they'll end up heavy and unhappy). Ignoring his weight is far, far better than making these sorts of comments. Talking to him about it sensitively and compassionately is better still.

If he wants to lose weight it should be for himself and his health, not because his father dislikes the way his belly looks or he doesn't measure up to some ideal of 'other boys' as if he were the only overweight teenager in existence.

However he’s probably going to be resistant to getting on the scales...

Then whatever you do, don't make him.

Please don’t weigh him and work out his Bmi- talk about a way to create an eating disorder!!
My DSS and all his friends just prior to their growth spurts but on chubs around their bellies. My DSS was massively self conscious last summer (14) he over the summer got a bit of a belly and when he was swimming with friends he felt self conscious. Que the past year he’s shot up by about 3/4 inches- eats the same - same amount of sport but there no fat on him anymore!
His friends were all the same (although about 6 months earlier than him).
Buy healthier snacks over the summer, do more activities.. but don’t put him on the scales and potentially create an child obsessed with BmI and weight

I'm not sure what the answer to overweight children is. So many can't recognise their own child is very overweight and are in denial. It's getting woorse.

@greenbush70s as several of us have said, it is all about parenting - discussing healthy eating, cooking meals together, not having crap in the house, finding exercise they enjoy and encouraging it, limiting screen times, build in walking to daily life etc etc. So many ways to approach this rather than making a child feel bad about numbers on the scales.
Please other poster have come along to echo this, I couldn't believe some of the responses in here. Worried that OP has disappeared and is weighing her poor DS and working out his BMI....

Should say
Pleased
On
So worked up I can't type properly!

But that kind of gentle softly softly approach is the norm, and it doesn't seem to be working. So I'm really not sure what the answer is.

The size of children in schools has really balloned even over the last 10 years.

He is 14 fgs! Please don't talk to him. You already have, that will be playing on his mind for ages. My dad used to tease me about weight it led to anorexia. My best friends son was a fat 14 yr old, he was also about 5ft4, by 18 he was 6ft2 and perfect weight, at 26 he is still a perfect weight, he never tried to lose any weight he just needed to grow.
Please please don't say anything else to him about it I promise you he is aware and all you risk doing now is making it into a issue.

You’re right- I would find it absolutely humiliating for that to happen to me, especially as a child. He’s not ‘very overweight’ - it’s not particularly noticeable when he is dressed, but when he’s in underwear or swimming stuff the belly is definitely there. It seems like most of the weight has gone to his belly because his arms and legs are quite lean and doesn’t look fat in the face. I’ll talk to him about it again this morning and help him make the right choices and get him moving more.

OP I have a nephew who tended to gain weight around the middle, then have a growth spurt and lose it so he was very much “out and up” IYSWIM? If that is the way your DS is going to grow that’s fine. My nephew is now 21, 6’4” and not overweight at all. Just make sure he’s not forging on crap, give him plenty of protein and healthy fats and see how he goes.

@greenbush70s yes I do agree that there are far too many overweight children, however I would hazard a guess that the majority of these parents are not taking a softly softly approach, in fact I think a lot of parents encourage over eating in their children. They are not raising them to be aware of portion control, healthy choices, exercise etc. I think a lot of parents are in denial about their childrens weight and are not making the right choices for either themselves or their children.
Just my opinion and not based on any evidence other than what I see going on around me.

OP I hope that means you are not getting him to step in the scales. Such a potentially damaging thing to do at his age.

Oh ffs on

Oh dear,men aren't really well known for their sensitivity though are they? Have another quiet word with your husband when your son's not around, but whatever you do,if it's just a bit of tummy flab he has don't start panicking and weighing him and/or dragging him to the doctors-that'd be even worse for his self esteem than his dad having a pop at him.My middle son started developing a bit of extra padding on his belly at around the age of 11 but he was skinny as a rake again and towering over me by the age of 13 so I wouldn't worry too much yet.In the meantime limit the sweet treats,sugary drinks etc-I stopped buying stuff like that altogether and said it was because I was worried about the family's teeth and just keep a quiet eye on it for now.

I understand that DH had good intentions (or so he claimed) for DS not to be bullied at school etc.

So DH decided to bully DS at home to protect him from the possibility of being bullied at school?! I'm glad you stuck up for DS.There are so many MNers that obviously have serious issues with food so ignore the comments suggesting bit of fat is cause for immediate concern. Your approach sounds perfect.

While your DH could have been more tactful I do agree that nipping this in the bud is the best way to go. I think too many parents are in denial or are too soft in their approach leading to their overweight kids becoming overweight adults.

My parents never restricted my eating, in fact they thought it was better to be overweight in case you got sick and lost lots of weight. The school sent a letter home saying I was overweight and they said it was a load of rubbish. I wasn’t massive as a child especially compared to large kids today but I was certainly fatter than I should’ve been. I had no idea about portions and it took me until I was in my early 20s to get to a healthy weight. In my 30s I suffered from mild eating disorders trying to maintain a healthy weight. It was hard and now in my 40s I still struggle every day to ensure I don’t go back to being overweight. It’s almost as though because I was overweight as a child my body is now wired to pack fat on.

Conversely I’m friends with several people of south Asian origin and all of their parents were very blunt about not being being fat. They are all slim adults and have never had eating disorders. I also have a slim friend who is very blunt about her DD overeating pasta, bread, sweets etc, she just won’t allow it. I know her DD will never be fat. Sometimes you just need to tell your kids how it is.