Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not want to be godparent

35 replies

BeenThereDone · 28/07/2018 22:55

A close friend has asked me to be godparent to their newborn dd.

I am actually quite pointedly non religious and didn't even get my own dc baptised. I was confused and asked her why, knowing my stance and that I'd probably burst into flames if I even entered a church 😁. She told me she's thinks I would be a good role model and look out for her dd. I feel I don't need to be a godparent to do this and I would feel uneasy and highly hypocritical to stand in church and swear to help bring the child up in that religion and shun the devil etc...
Her answer was it was just words, doesn't really mean anything and she understands my reasons but would still like me to do it..
Religion is not a particularly huge thing for her, just ceremonies (baptisms, weddings, funerals) just the done thing in her family..

I can't seem to make her see it quite like I do. I respect peoples religious choices and would never criticise anyone for what they believe but at the same time I can't stand there and mouth words... Just seems wrong. Aibu

OP posts:

DieAntword · 28/07/2018 22:58

I don’t think a church would let you in that circumstance anyway? Unless your friend is expecting you to lie. I’d say “I wouldn’t be a very good role model if I initiated this relationship with a lie” and leave it at that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2018 23:05

YANBU at all.

I’m a friend’s child’s legal guardian. That felt very serious. I hope nothing happens to them... But I wouldn’t agree to be a god parent or say anything I don’t believe. I wasn’t christened. I didn’t get married in church. I don’t go to church.

She’s trying to do something nice but it’s a good start if she’s not listening to you!

Hideandgo · 28/07/2018 23:11

Godparent is one of the only things you can give to someone to foster a slightly special relationship between them and your child. I’m atheist (DH and both families are not) but I love that my kids have that extra tie with the adults we chose to be Godparents as they are all adults we care about. Without being Godparents I don’t think they would feel quite so involved in our family as they are by being godparents. I bet your friend just sees you as an important person and wants to make sure her kid does too. As well as making her kid a bit special to you.

Dhalandchips · 28/07/2018 23:16

I've turned down being a god parent twice for the same reasons, but have happily taken on the role of non-god parent and I've just promised to be there should th

BigPinkBall · 28/07/2018 23:17

A friend of mine is getting married and is an atheist and we were discussing her wedding and she asked me how DH and I broke it to our parents that we weren’t getting married in a church (we got married in a registry office) and I explained that since neither I nor my parents are religious, that firstly getting married in a church was never going to be the default option for us and secondly I’d be as likely to get married in a synagogue or Sikh temple as a church.

I think a lot of people just assume that C of E is the default and when you put it to them that they wouldn’t take part in another religions ceremonies they can kind of “get it”.

BTW I wouldn’t be a God parent because churches use baptism records for their membership numbers to get money from government and to be allowed to run certain public services and I couldn’t support something that artificially inflates the popularity of the church, it’s not just a harmless bit of tradition.

Dhalandchips · 28/07/2018 23:17

(oops) need arise and I do birthdays and celebrations etc. I love them as my own without any of the religion.

thejeangenie36 · 28/07/2018 23:22

So two of our close friends turned down being a godparent to our son for precisely this reason. They just said they were atheists, their ethics wouldn't allow them to lie in a church, but they were honoured we'd asked them and hoped to be as involved as a godparent in our sons life, just without the religion. That could be a good answer for you. We are still very close to these friends, our son sees them regularly and they have made an effort to bond with him.

FrozenMargarita17 · 28/07/2018 23:28

Hi OP. I was asked to be a godparent, the mum knows that I am not religious in the slightest, was never baptised and I am the same - more likely to burst into flames in a church. However the priest was happy for me to be godparent as it was more about protecting and being there for the child so I accepted on that basis. The christening hasn't actually happened yet but I'm there whenever she needs me. I won't be saying anything about renouncing the devil or whatnot though!

MonaLisaSimpson · 28/07/2018 23:32

I was asked and said no: I'm not baptised, I don't believe in god and I respect other people's faith too much to stand up in church and pretend. I love my not-godson (and his two younger siblings) just as much as if I were their godmother.

BackforGood · 28/07/2018 23:51

Of course YANBU.
Say to her, 'How can you say you want me to be a role model for your dc, and, in the same breath try and tell me that standing up and blatantly lying in front of everyone is OK ?' and look

Perhaps you could reach a compromise of being a 'non-God parent' / special Aunty / think up whatever name you can between you.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 23:55

I'd just do it for your friend since it clearly means a lot to her. You've been honest and she doesn't care if you don't believe in god - she just wants you to officially have a special bond with her child.

BackforGood · 29/07/2018 00:01

but maybe the OP cares that she doesn't want to stand up and tell lies ?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/07/2018 00:19

But who is she lying to, really? The parents know she isn't religious, so she has bern honest to the key people and she obviously doesn't believe it is disrespecting God.
I mean, obviously she doesn't have to, if she feels that strongly about it. But I would, because lack of belief would not be important enough to risk hurting my friends feelings or making them feel I am rejecting the special bond with their child.

I was honoured to be asked by my friends. It is a big deal.

nocoolnamesleft · 29/07/2018 00:25

If you don't believe in god, then no, you cannot believe it's disrespecting god. But it is respecting the beliefs and faith of the congregation of the church in which it is held.

fantasia243 · 29/07/2018 00:30

I could have written your post OP. Luckily have never been asked (don't think I have many religious friends!) but I really wouldn't want to do it. A sponsor or mentor in a non-religious ceremony I would be delighted to do, but not the church thing. Just feels wrong for me.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/07/2018 00:36

The friend seems to be asking OP to subscribe to her own take on what 'godparent' means, rather than the traditional meaning of agreeing to raise the child in the faith. If the OP and her friend have a consesus that is honest between themselves I think an atheist could take on the role and not feel compromised. But obviously, if she can't do it comfortably then that is that. She just has to find a way to decline without making her friend feel it is a rejection.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 29/07/2018 01:19

what thejeangenie36 says. Just say you would like to be involved as if you were a godparent but due to your athiesm are not comfortable with being involed in the religious element. Could they consider calling you a "sponsor" or some other term? They could have one "religious" godparent and you as "non religious" "sponsor"? You could maybe do a non religious reading in the church and the child could know you as godparent in the sense of an adult who is not the parent but closely involved,

Personally I would struggle to completely turn down something which is such an honour and would mean so much to the family. If my children's godparents felt like you do I would have been happy to change the "title" but still see you in the same role as a godparent without the religious element.

Fabricwitch · 29/07/2018 01:45

As a pagan, I'd do it. They should be able to change any wording you're uncomfortable with and keep the emphasis on protecting the child.

EmUntitled · 29/07/2018 07:16

Why is she even bothering to get them christened if she believes it's "just words that don't really mean anything"??

Subtlecheese · 29/07/2018 07:18

They won't change the wording for a baptism. Being a god parent is about indoctrinating a child into that faith. Stick to your guns, god parents have become pretty meaningless where the parents/ god parents are just mouthing things. I am not religious and I have stopped going to these things. If you want to have a party for your child and publicly tell all friends and family who you prefer to support your parenting then do that. It doesn't need the trappings of brain washing

MuddyForestWalks · 29/07/2018 07:19

OP I think that you are showing more respect for the Christian faith than your photo-op-Christian friend, and it reflects well on your integrity.

cariadlet · 29/07/2018 07:39

I think you're doing the right thing OP.

It might just be words and a chance to have a party to your friend, but for the priest/vicar/minister and the congregation at that church the baptism/christening is a holy sacrament. It's a chance to welcome the new baby into the faith and the family of God.

I'm an atheist and haven't been christened myself and haven't had my dd christened. I think it's shallow and hypocritical to use churches to celebrate key moments in your life when you don't actually have any faith let alone turn up and worship on a Sunday.

Original poster

BeenThereDone · 29/07/2018 13:35

Thanks for all the replies.... It is an honour to be asked and especially to be asked knowing where I stand based on the religious aspect.

I know that my friend would not even bother with a christening if not for the families as they are both religious being of an older generation. I remember the uproar from my family when I said I was having a registry office marriage and not baptising my dc.... My grandmother in particular was horrified!! And I am still the only one who has sidestepped let's say the conventional....
I can still do all the godparenty stuff and have a special relationship, I just don't think standing in a church and promising to help the parents raise the child in the faith is something I can do. Plus godparents here stand for the child at communion and confirmation too although years and years away it will require the same kind of thing...

Might just go out for boozy girlie lunch and politely decline but offer to be the special aunt who is there for all the non religious stuff.... Like boozy lunches!! 😂

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 29/07/2018 13:37

I really regret being a god parent. I'm just too selfish and live a continent away. I'm crap at it. I only deal with what's in front of me and that's enough.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 29/07/2018 13:56

I am an antitheist, in my younger years it would have bothered me and I would have declined. But it just a ceremony to keep the older grandparents happy. The words are meaningless, no one gets hurt and as long as the parents know you wont be helping to bring the kid up religious then I dont see the harm. So really wouldn't care anymore (I think).

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread