Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think I should leave him :-/

39 replies

Supermummy101 · 28/07/2018 21:06

I'm splitting form my partner - we have been together 2 years but there are very reasons but nothing big- just things like we don't seem to get on like we should and we don't make each other laugh and he's a little arrogant + obsessed with saving all his money to build his huge pension. He doesn't treat me to the odd weekend away (I know that sounds old fashioned!).

Overall I just don't feel madly in love with him and like hes my best friend/soul mate.

Anyway because there is no big reason.. no lying cheating or abuse I'm constantly doubting my decision and I feel sad.

Is it enough to go with your gut and end it even though you're not sure you should?! A huge part of my fears is not meeting anyone else (I'm 36 and not exactly an oil painting!).. :-/ I'm also conscious this could mean no second baby for me which is sad.

Has anyone else been in a situation like that and petrified of letting go of a good man for no real reason and then had a happy ending? X

OP posts:

FASH84 · 28/07/2018 21:11

If the reasons are small, have you tried couple's counselling? It might be worth a go to get you in the same page to some extent and help communication

TaleasoldasTimee · 28/07/2018 21:17

If you need couples counselling after just 2 years together you probably shouldn't be together.

kezibear · 28/07/2018 21:22

If you don't love him don't waste your life with him. And definitely don't bring a child into a love less family. Your soul mate could be just around the corner!!

FASH84 · 28/07/2018 21:23

There's no shame in relationship support, some couples do it before getting married just to make sure they're communicating well. Is it a mutual child you have? Another reason to suggest counselling is that his reaction will tell you if he's open to putting in an effort to make it work, if he's not and just refuses to discuss things you may as well leave

Singlenotsingle · 28/07/2018 21:53

We don't feel "madly in love" forever. That level of emotion isn't sustainable. On the other hand, have you got enough there to base a whole lifetime on? If not, it might be unwise to have another DC with all the financial worries that would involve.

Btw, It would never occur to my dp to treat me to a surprise weekend away, (thank goodness!).

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/07/2018 22:02

My DP has never surprised me with a weekend away and it's never crossed my mind so I think that one is unfair to judge him on. Have you surprised him with a weekend away?

If you don't love him you don't love him, it might we worth working through it if they are only minor reasons but don't stay forever in an unhappy relationship.

ThatchersCold · 28/07/2018 22:13

I did a degree in sociology and one of the things I studied was the sociology of love. One theory is that in today’s society we are sold the idea of ‘pure love’ - that is the notion that we should be in relationship that makes us deliriously happy and meets all our needs, which most of them do, at the beginning. But then the shine wears off and real life sets in, and all of a sudden it’s not pure love anymore. So we bin that relationship off and find another ‘pure love’ relationship, and so it goes on. The theory makes a lot of sense for me and I think it’s something I am guilty of.

Could it be that you are just going through a bit of a rough patch? Have you tried telling him why you’re unhappy and giving him a chance to change?

TheWernethWife · 28/07/2018 22:16

Saving his money for a bigger pension, bloody hell, how about living now. Leave him and find someone else, this guy sounds like scrooge, counting his money and wasting his life away.

IceCreamFace · 28/07/2018 22:16

Do you have a baby together? Personally if he's the father of your child and there are no major issues (he treats you with respect, no abuse, you coparent well etc) I'd go down the counselling route. If not or if you just decide the relationship has no future then break it off and you will be fine. It's scary at first because you're used to him being there but you'll 100% manage.

Original poster

Supermummy101 · 28/07/2018 22:25

Lol yes the wernethwife. He once said one of his hobbies is vouchers and couponing and money saving. He's on a salary of 60k with not much mortgage left but pays crazy amounts into pension and to parents to pay money he borrowed to clear one of his mortgages. I wouldn't mind this bit when he says he needs to watch his pennies this month and so can't do x y z it really annoyes me that he chooses to give him dd 1k a month to clear the money he borrowed sooner (his dad is happy for less money each month over a longer period but oh is obsessed with clearing mortgages before he's 50 and saving etc. I have my own good job and moneye and don't want his but I do feel he's a bit of a scrooge. He keeps count of who sends what and sent me a spreadsheet after one holiday. With a bit at bottom saying I owed him x amount. He once bought a 3 quid thing from b and q to help me fix toilet and asked for the money back.

As for madly in love I totally agree that feeling wears off but I've never felt it with him at all tbh.. partly cos of his attitude to money and his air of pompus and arrogance.

OP posts:

Chickychoccyegg · 28/07/2018 22:30

he sounds like a rubbish bf, sending you a spreadsheet and wanting his £3 back, wtf!!
leave him and you'll meet someone else, no way couls i be with such a scrooge!

Singlenotsingle · 28/07/2018 22:30

So, not wishing to be rude, but why did you get together with him in the first place?

Ethylred · 28/07/2018 22:35

Exactly how bored do you want to be?

ThatchersCold · 28/07/2018 22:37

Ok yep I see your point now.

Nothing more unattractive than a tight man. Asking for his £3 back is ridiculous.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 28/07/2018 22:40

Men can't think about love and money at the same time. So if he's counting the cost of dating you, he's not that into you.

So you're right to finish this. £3 back?? That's insulting.

I'm mid-40s now and actually admire his thriftiness, as I've pissed all my money away over the years! But I wouldn't blame you for being totally turned off.

Chick him now nicely, then hook back up with him in 15 years and help him spend his massive pension. 🤣

Original poster

Supermummy101 · 28/07/2018 22:41

He said he didn't want to be taken advantage of or taken for a ride. He didnt want someone to think hes a good catch and be after his money! He said hed rather give me his time not his money.

He's not so bad now and won't keep a tally (or if he does he doesn't tell me about it) but he's still very into vouchers and saving etc..

OP posts:

MrsTommyBanks · 28/07/2018 22:43

What ThatchersCold said. Life is too short for spread sheets and £3 invoices.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 28/07/2018 22:55

Sack him, OP. Life's too short for pissy nonsense like this.

Peakypush · 28/07/2018 23:09

A spreadsheet?! Christ, that's reason enough to get rid! He sounds awful OP, you didn't mention if your child was also his? If not then I would most definitely give him the heave ho (albeit gently since he hasn't done anything wrong besides having a terrible personality). If he is your DC's dad and he's a good person in other ways then I'd be inclined to give it another chance and would address the money thing with him and make him see how awful and off putting it is to be so tight with the mother of his child. I imagine if you feel this way now though you're never going to last long term. I was in a similar relationship... I let it drag on waaaay too long when I knew in my heart of hearts he wasn't "the one" for me. Took me 10 years to end it and I'm so sorry I didn't do it sooner as it wasn't fair on him and ended up causing a lot more heartache than was necessary. Glad I did end it though!

Original poster

Supermummy101 · 28/07/2018 23:15

Thanks peaky push.. I think thats the thing its dragged on too long.. I'm glad I wasn't over reacting with the spreadsheet! I seem to just ignore and move on.. he now accepts the spreadsheet wasn't a good idea but even so.

This is second relationship so no DS isn't his.

I just hope there is a Mr right out there for me!

OP posts:

Peakypush · 28/07/2018 23:25

Please don't stay with someone you don't love just because you're afraid you won't find someone better - that's no way to live! You deserve to be with someone that makes you happy and content. I know it's a difficult thing to do especially when there's no real "reason" to end it (I used to wish my ex would do something that would give me a proper reason to end it - so cowardly I know!) I really feel for you, I remember how I agonised for years over what to do, it made me so miserable in the end. Wishing you the best of luck regardless of your decision

Original poster

Supermummy101 · 28/07/2018 23:29

Thanks peaky push.. did it end happily for you with you meeting someone new? I know I need to end it deap down buto it is scary. It took 3 years on dating sites you find him lol.. not sure I can bear going through that again but i've no choice really!

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 29/07/2018 01:19

No kids together, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave. If he isn’t the one than he just isn’t the one. Don’t stay with someone just to have a placeholder in the partner position.

fizzthecat1 · 29/07/2018 01:45

Maybe be open with him first and tell him how unattractive it is that he is so tight/stingy

MessyBun247 · 29/07/2018 01:52

‘It took 3 years on dating sites you find him lol.. not sure I can bear going through that again but i've no choice really!’

Clearly he’s not the one for you. But, can’t you be on your own for a bit? If you desperately try to find a relationship you are more likely to settle for less than ideal.

Flip

1 2