Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my partner doing more than his fair share?

63 replies

Beautifulblue · 28/07/2018 18:56

OH got a bit snappy with me earlier & I sense he feels his doing more than his fair share when it comes to our 1 year old daughter. So is he?
He works 9-5.30 Monday-Friday. I'm a SAHM but have just started looking for a part time job. I'm obviously with DD when his at work, I cook dinner & do the shopping & cleaning. When he gets home about 6, either one of us will give her dinner (but I cook it) then primarily he will bath her. Then at bed time, I will try to get her to sleep first with breast/bottle but if that doesn't work (it often doesn't) he rocks her on his knees (don't ask but it works) am I asking him to do to much in the evening? She's normally asleep by 8 at the latest (normally!) so we both have a few hours to chill out. Genuinely not sure if I'm taking the piss or if his being unreasonable. What do you think?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 28/07/2018 19:00

so other than working he bathes his daughter and often has to rock her to sleep and you are worried he is doing too much - he isnt

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/07/2018 19:03

No, that sounds fine to me. I would slightly worry that once you get your job, he might need to step up and do a bit more, and he currently sounds a bit resentful?

I guess it does depend how the baby is - if she is super easy and naps for hours during the day, it's different from if she never naps. But it sounds as if you do a fair bit more than him during the day/with the baby after he's home, and he does a little. Assuming the baby naps for a couple of hours during the day and you get that time to yourself, this seems fair?

HolyPieter · 28/07/2018 19:05

Being a SAHM is much more stressful than a generic 9-5.

He should be doing EVERYTHING when he is not at work.

OlennasWimple · 28/07/2018 19:08

Being a SAHM is much more stressful than a generic 9-5.

He should be doing EVERYTHING when he is not at work

I don't agree with this (and maybe the OP's DH doesn't have a generic, non-stressful job?). I think that when DH is home chores (household and baby-related) should be split roughly 50:50 - which is what it sounds like is happening in the OP's situation

Is there anything in particular that he thinks is "too much"? (Which might well be code for "I don't like doing it")

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 28/07/2018 19:09

That sounds like very little.

Does he have an exhausting job? Has he paid for a mother's help for your family and a cleaner? Are there any mitigating circumstances you've left out?

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 28/07/2018 19:09

I don't think he's doing too much, even if the baby is easy during the day, as you are basically doing EVERYTHING to run the house, if I understand correctly.

Another way to look at it, is that if he did less, he wouldn't actually be spending any time with his DD at all on some days, which surely he wouldn't want? If he expects to have a bond with her, he needs to be spending that one on one time, every day unless he has to be away for work, or is properly I'll.

FudgeJungle · 28/07/2018 19:10

He is being unreasonable if he is not wanting to want to spend a little time with his daughter and to help you put her to bed.

HollowTalk · 28/07/2018 19:13

I don't understand. What's he doing - holding his child?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 28/07/2018 19:16

What exactly does he think he is doing too much of? Confused

Original poster
Beautifulblue · 28/07/2018 19:16

He works in a warehouse, I'm not sure if it's exhausting but I know he does hate it at the moment so mentally I think it's draining. I think it's the knee rocking that's driving him mad... which I totally understand because it hurts my legs when I do it, I can't do it as long as him! But I do often suggest just waiting a bit longer until she's more tired (that's what I'd do if alone) but he always refuses & says she needs to sleep because she's tired (his right) but I don't know what I can do about that really! No, no cleaner/home help etc. DD does nap for 1&1/2-2 hours in the day. I agree in terms of bonding - i know if I worked 9-5.30 I would want to give her dinner, bath her etc... but I don't think he has any problems with that, it's the bed time thing & I suppose you could argue that's not really spending time with her is it...

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/07/2018 19:19

Well, if she naps 1.5/2 hours, that doesn't sound too much. He presumably has at least 30 minutes for a lunch break, and is travelling for 30 minutes if I understand rightly? So those are not very dissimilar work patterns, given that travel isn't exactly fun, but nor is what you're doing, which is the rest of the housework.

If he hates rocking her on his knees it's really up to him to solve that one.

Again, I do wonder how this will work when you go part-time. You are already working very hard, and most people with small children expect to work once they've got home from a shift, so his assumption he only needs to do a very small amount seems a bit of a problem.

rwalker · 28/07/2018 19:20

sounds about fair but like anything else you can have a bad day at home and he can have a bad day at work

Being A Sahm Is Much More Stressful Than A Generic 9-5
He Should Be Doing Everything When He Is Not At Work

wow guess we've been lucky with our 2 never need constant attettion and plenty of time in the day to crack on with other things when both at home split 50/50 which is what op is doing

IceCreamFace · 28/07/2018 19:20

When our eldest was a baby as soon as DH got home I'd hand the baby over and he'd be mainly in charge of the baby (although usually we were al hanging out together) and I'd be doing household stuff like cooking dinner, washing up etc.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 28/07/2018 19:24

You could probably do with tackling the leg rocking thing. Does she have a bedtime routine? Like bath bottle book bed?

Original poster
Beautifulblue · 28/07/2018 19:25

His a good dad, he really is. Loves her very much. I do think (like many probably do) he underestimates how tiring a day as a SAHM can be... even if you've been in all day. We normally spend weekends together but I'm tempted to leave the 2 of them alone one day so he can see how it is being alone with her for 8+ hours. & I bet the house wouldn't be tidy Grin

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 28/07/2018 19:27

Bedtime absolutely is about being with his DC - especially as she gets older, as it's often the time that they talk about stuff that has been bothering them, stuff that they are looking forward to the next day, what they enjoyed about the day... It's a great time to get to know your DC, even though at the time it doesn't feel like it.

Sounds like you need to find something else to help her settle other than rocking her on your knees, if it's tiring for you both

Original poster
Beautifulblue · 28/07/2018 19:27

@awoman. Yes! Dinner, bath, bottle every night. We tried book but she just tries to climb off & play but we will try again when she's a bit older. She's a terror at bed time really, the only other way I can see her going to sleep is controlled crying & I just feel like a bloody arse hole (don't disagree with it as such, what ever works for you) but it just makes me feel mean!

OP posts:
Rorymum · 28/07/2018 19:27

I am a stay at home mum and have the same worries. I think what works now won't always work and in the long run it will kind of level out even if you don't go out to work for a while. School runs, homework, reading, when they're poorly, visiting family. It all adds up to just doing what's right in the moment and accepting change as best you can as they grow up. If that makes sense? Xx

MarthasGinYard · 28/07/2018 19:29

I'd get out of the rocking thing but it sounds ok to me.

He will probably have to do more when you are working though.

BertrandRussell · 28/07/2018 19:32

"Being a SAHM is much more stressful than a generic 9-5.

He should be doing EVERYTHING when he is not at work."

That really is bollocks!
OP-do you organise any free time for both of you at the weekend?

Original poster
Beautifulblue · 28/07/2018 19:32

I did say to him when I was writing my CV, are you going to be ok with this? You will have to have her on your own some evenings after work/weekends? & he said absolutely fine, what ever you want to do I'm fine with.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 28/07/2018 19:33

And, um, how much does he do at weekends? And how much do you do at weekends?

Original poster
Beautifulblue · 28/07/2018 19:35

@bert. My mum took her out today, from 10.30-5 so we had the whole day to ourselves! Which tbh is why I was a bit like Hmm when he got pissy about bed time. Maybe his just got to used to relaxing today! 😂 My mum doesn't take her out most Saturdays but normally only for 2ish hours, which goes surpringly quickly! Shock!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beautifulblue · 28/07/2018 19:35

Sorry does take her out most saturdays

OP posts:
Original poster
Beautifulblue · 28/07/2018 19:37

Weekends are similar. He doesn't do any cooking/cleaning but he will go shopping sometimes & DD is 50/50... bedtime is much the same.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread