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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother won't let me stay

73 replies

powerfulpanda · 28/07/2018 14:50

I love my brother and would do anything for him without question.
He lives with his GF. There has been a little animosity between us (particularly when she drunkenly hit him) but I have been trying to mend that as I want to see him without awkwardness.
I asked to stay at him place after a night out (this is once in a blue moon for me) and he completely refused without thought. I just want a few drinks (my drunken days are well over) and a taxi would be fifty quid. He says he has to get up early on Sunday. No discussion.
Am I being unreasonable to be a bit hurt?

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 28/07/2018 16:19

Sorry.
YOUR brother. Not you're. Sigh.

Sirzy · 28/07/2018 16:20

Not unless they actually wanted to spend time with me/the family no! Especially as people staying disrupts ds.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 28/07/2018 16:24

I can understand why you are hurt Op, I would be too.

I wouldn't think twice about letting my family or friends stay the night, whether they were going out with me or not. It's just a bed for the night and I know they would do the same for me.

I can only think it is because of the girlfriend situation.

Penfold007 · 28/07/2018 16:28

Maybe his GF doesn't want you in their home, after all you know her for who she really is.

SendYouUpInFlames · 28/07/2018 16:33

I have to be honest, if my SIL didn't like me, there is no way my husband would let her stay at our house. Sister or no sister he wouldn't.
I'm his wife. He should think about me first instead of his soster. Who is also a grown up. Presuming you are OP.

I'm his family now also. He has to put me and his children first now. Not his grown up siblings.

So I think yabu.

Roussette · 28/07/2018 16:35

Anyone who I trust and like can stay with me. And it works both ways. I know I could ask a list of god knows how many people and they would say yes.

eightfacesofthemoon · 28/07/2018 16:45

@SendYouUpInFlames
Did you read the bit where the sil beat up he’d dp when drunk.
I hope you’re not that type of sil

And I would welcome any family member of my dps who wanted to crash in the spare room.
What is this, some kind of pissing competition

Roussette · 28/07/2018 16:51

I'm his family now also

That's a bit sad. I still have my birth family even though I got married. My DH has his too.

HolyPieter · 28/07/2018 16:51

Why on Earth is the GF getting the blame here?

It's the brother that directly said that the OP is not allowed to stay over.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 28/07/2018 16:53

When I read your OP I though you were saying you had had an argument with his gf. In which case YWBU to expect to stay. I imagine other posters got that impression too, hence the rather robust response.

Your updates paint a different picture and I can understand why you feel hurt. There’s something going on here, probably with the gf. As suggested by a pp, be less accommodating next time he needs a favour. But be sure to tell him why, so he understands and has chance to fix things with you.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/07/2018 17:00

Why are posters assuming that the OP's going to come crashing in pissed at 3.00 a.m., waving a bottle of wine and waking the household?

Who would actually ever behave like that?

Nanna50 · 28/07/2018 17:00

If it were my DB I would be hurt and I’m a proper real grown up.

KarmaStar · 28/07/2018 17:11

Maybe your db was trying to protect you from any unpleasant words from his gf op.

MissConductUS · 28/07/2018 17:21

If he and his gf live together it's her home too. Perhaps they discussed the possibility of you staying over and she wasn't in favor of it for whatever reason.

I understand your hurt but there may be bits you're not aware of at work.

Starlighter · 28/07/2018 17:29

OP, you said that it’s because he’s got to be up early on Sunday... so understandably he doesn’t want guests turning up late at night disturbing him. I think that’s reasonable!

But he could have a whole host of other reasons for not wanting you to stay also. They could be trying to conceive, they could be going through a tough time, or a million other reasons why it’s not convenient for you to stay at this particular time.

I think you need to respect his wishes, suck it up and hopefully you’ll be able to stay another time.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 28/07/2018 17:30

I would do this for family or siblings, it wouldn't be an issue.

I'd also not be armoured by a SIL that thought it ok to beat her partner and would worry for my sibling.

Would most people honestly be pleasant and forgive the abuser?

DonkeyHotei · 28/07/2018 18:02

Completely don't get the posters that are acting like it's totally OK for a sibling (or even a friend) to refuse a request like a sofa to crash on overnight. House-guests too stressful...need my own space... Christ the very notion that another body that you are relatively fond of would like to take up some of your air for 12 whole hours and possibly engage in loving conversation and interaction with you!! Dear God, call the Cheeky Fucker police!!! We need a diagram right now: how much sofa space will they inhabit, and how much familial love & conversation will they expect?!

I have siblings like this too, OP. Love them dearly but it does my head in & I wonder how we can be from the same family and have such different ideas about what is easy, sufficient and loving (chucking a duvet down on the living room floor if necessary, but for God's sake spending time together) and what is "required" (a GUEST must have a GUEST room; GUEST room prep is stressful, therefore we won't have a GUEST).

I hope on my death bed I won't value all the times I had a clear living room, a slightly less messy bathroom, and fewer towels to wash...

Roussette · 28/07/2018 18:09

I hope on my death bed I won't value all the times I had a clear living room, a slightly less messy bathroom, and fewer towels to wash

Exactly.

IceCreamFace · 28/07/2018 18:52

I can understand why you're hurt - it's all to do as well with what's normal in your relationship. If it has always been normal to crash at each other's houses then for him to suddenly say no without even thinking is harsh. I don't actually like people staying at mine very much (puts me on edge) but I'd still let someone close to me if they asked and I'm usually glad I did afterwards.

TheShapeOfEwe · 28/07/2018 19:12

YANBU, I would do this for my siblings in a heartbeat and would expect the same in return. It sounds like the girlfriend is maybe the issue

eightfacesofthemoon · 28/07/2018 19:20

@DonkeyHotei
Absolutely
I thank god that I have had crazy interesting lovely friends and family crashing around. They make life more fun.
Life is for giving and sharing (CF aside)

DonkeyHotei · 28/07/2018 19:55

@eightfacesofthemoon and @Roussette

Thank you ! I feel a lot less of a weirdo when other people agree with me. The latter doesn't happen often !! Donkey currently sits in an empty room with a pile of unused towels and siblings 200 miles away

Oddcat · 28/07/2018 20:01

I would say that the gf is embarrassed that you have seen her bad behaviour , I would worry that she gives your brother a hard time .

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