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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother won't let me stay

73 replies

powerfulpanda · 28/07/2018 14:50

I love my brother and would do anything for him without question.
He lives with his GF. There has been a little animosity between us (particularly when she drunkenly hit him) but I have been trying to mend that as I want to see him without awkwardness.
I asked to stay at him place after a night out (this is once in a blue moon for me) and he completely refused without thought. I just want a few drinks (my drunken days are well over) and a taxi would be fifty quid. He says he has to get up early on Sunday. No discussion.
Am I being unreasonable to be a bit hurt?

OP posts:
twiglet · 28/07/2018 15:47

If I was also having the night out then I wouldn't have any issues with putting up a friend etc but for them to be on a night out then want to stay nope!
Why would they want to be woken up by you coming through the door (regardless of not being drunk you wake up when you hear people at the door). Getting a rubbish night's sleep due to either wondering where you are or you waking them up!
If you want a night out get a cheap hotel, get a taxi or don't stay out past the buses ending!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 15:47

Next time he needs a favour OP, maybe be less willing to oblige.

haribosmarties · 28/07/2018 15:49

why would there be any discussion? If he has to get up early on sunday then he has to get up early on sunday... its his home!

I think it was okay to ask but obviously if he doesnt want you there then thats pretty reasonable...
Why are you hurt? Its not like hes let you down in an emergency he just wont facilitate your night out being a bit cheaper because clearly he has something to do on Sunday.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/07/2018 15:50

It doesn't sound as though you want to spend the night at your brother's so that you can see him; rather, you want to save taxi fare after an evening out drinking

The OP's been upfront about that, hasn't she/he?

The GF bit is probably the reason OP, but I'd probably chat with my sibling about it.

I find the number of comments bashing you for even asking to be a bit odd to be honest. Me and my friendship group/siblings are well and truly spread out across the UK/world these days and it would be completely normal to say that you're in the area, any chance of staying in the spare room?

My SiL works in the city we live in occasionally and she asks to stay, etc. so she can go out with colleagues. I don't think it's odd at all.

The 'treating them like a hotel' and 'grow up' comments leave me a bit Confused. It's a one-off and the OP's brother. HINBU to say no, but the OP is not being U to ask. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if a sibling asked me.

Booboostwo · 28/07/2018 15:51

You are getting some weird responses. Of course you should be hurt, family help each other out and this is a small ask.

I imagine responses would be quite different if you said your sister had been hit by her BF in the past and now would not let you go stay at Hernandez home overnight. Everyone would be talking about the controlling BF refusing to have you over and isolating her from her family as a pattern of abuse.

Roussette · 28/07/2018 15:52

I'm totally with you OP. If a friend or sibling wanted to stay the night because they were in my neck of the woods and it was £50 for a taxi, of course I would welcome them. It's a one off and it's what's known as being nice

God people are so horrible and selfish.

Original poster
powerfulpanda · 28/07/2018 15:52

Iwannaseehowitends
Thank you! I've helped him out loads. It's just a favour.
When he said it to me I accepted it. I've not given him any grief. I just felt a little hurt and was hoping for some thoughts on it.

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/07/2018 15:54

I'm not surprised you are hurt, I would be too.

Don't people do favours for anyone nowadays?

Original poster
powerfulpanda · 28/07/2018 15:55

Thank you to the reasonable last few posters. I too would not think twice about letting someone I care about stay. In fact I would want them to!
I was quite taken aback by the bashing also.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 16:01

What do you mean by a "flat refusal"? Do you mean he didn't sound apologetic?

Roussette · 28/07/2018 16:01

About five years ago, my friend had to go somewhere near us, she lives on the other side of the country. I'm not in touch with her loads but we've known each other for more than 30 years. I gave her a key and she went to her function, let herself in after we'd gone to bed, we had tea and toast and a quick natter in the morning and off she went. Isn't this normal and what friends do?

Anonymumm · 28/07/2018 16:05

I can see it from both sides:

You've done a lot to help him out, so in a way, perhaps feel like he should reciprocate this? You're hurt that he's said no because the scales don't feel balanced, and also, let's be honest, because it puts your night out in jeopardy.
You are maybe also slightly hurt/jealous because you feel like he's putting his GF above you.

You're brother is grateful for your help, but should he be beholden to you for this? No, not really.
He has to be up early on Sunday, he wants an early night, you probably won't rock up at his house early evening, but ever likely, early morning.
He has two women in his life, who mean a lot to him, but whose relationships are very different. Naturally, he's going to side with his GF. He's probably completely oblivious that he's hurt you, as it was in no way his intention.

You maybe also have a touch of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

I think you're going to have to suck it up, else you're going to create a situation, and it will be you who comes out in the worst light for it.

Anonymumm · 28/07/2018 16:07

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think you feel rejected and hurt, and I think this is a normal thing to feel, just ty not to read too much into it all, chalk it up to experience and make a note of it, to self, for future reference, and move on :-)

Sirzy · 28/07/2018 16:09

If I was going on a night out with someone I would let them stay. If they just wanted to use my house as a hotel I wouldn’t!

HolyPieter · 28/07/2018 16:09

Your brother's a cunt.

Does he treat his GF like this too?

Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 16:10

Your brother's a cunt.

God, that'a a bit harsh.

Fattymcfaterson · 28/07/2018 16:11

If he has to be up early Sunday then he doesn't want you waking him up coming in drunk?
Totally reasonable imo

eightfacesofthemoon · 28/07/2018 16:12

I would expect to allow my brother to stay and vice versa. It’s very odd, and it surely came from his girlfriend.
I would be happy for any friend to stay. What happened with just doing people a favour.

TheClitterati · 28/07/2018 16:13

My siblings and I would all do this for each other without hesitation. Even the ones that are a PITA.

Roussette · 28/07/2018 16:13

So if a good friend or your sister wanted a favour and asked this, you wouldn't ? Sirzy

My friend who stayed bought me a bottle of wine as thanks and sent me a really nice email after.

She didn't ''use my house as a hotel'. She crept in (I didn't hear her), we had breakfast and a natter in the morning, it was great to catch up, she gave me a really nice bottle of wine and sent me a big thank you after. What's the matter with that?

This reminds me of threads about things like not answering the doorbell or the phone, and washing towels every day, I think it's just a MN thing.

I know I could ask my siblings, my cousins and other family members and my friends if I could stay and I know they would all say 'yes'.

BettyBooper · 28/07/2018 16:15

My friends / family would always be welcome to crash at mine. And I know I would always be welcome with them. YANBU. No idea why you're getting such wierd responses. Each to their own I guess...

Roussette · 28/07/2018 16:15

f he has to be up early Sunday then he doesn't want you waking him up coming in drunk?

That's a bit of a stretch. Where has the OP said she's going to do that?

My friend who stayed was on a very boozy day and I'm a light sleeper, I never heard her come in because she crept in making sure she didn't wake me, which is what the OP would do I'm sure. She's hardly going to bring back half the club for a rapping party Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/07/2018 16:17

I think you should think twice before helping him out again if he doesn’t wish to reciprocate.

Can you not stay with one of the people you’re going out with?

TheVanguardSix · 28/07/2018 16:19

You're brother is not a cunt.
And you are not unreasonable. I get why you're hurt.

But it is what it is. And basically, his GF doesn't want to host you in their shared home.
I'd really try and move past this and not let it damage your relationship with your beloved brother. Relationships don't always last, and the GF may or may not end up a permanent fixture in your life.
I would quietly lick my wounds but don't engage. By engaging, you give legs and speed to the destruction of your relationship. So by not engaging any time you struggle with these types of setbacks, you don't do any damage to what is a repairable situation.
You'll have to step back a bit. It's hard. And it does hurt. In this case, I'd just get the hotel and the taxi. You can't rely on your bro right now. And this may remain the case while GF is in the picture.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/07/2018 16:19

Try not to fall out with him over this. If his relationship is abusive he may need you soon.

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