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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh lending money to ex Fil

45 replies

Aroundtheworldandback · 28/07/2018 10:38

Dh is on good terms with his ex fil who has fallen on hard times and now has a life threatening illness. He asked dh for a secured loan last year. We had a huge row at the time but I caved in and agreed if it was just the once and was actually repaid.

My work is not paid I do not have an income so it’s not as if the money comes from me, dh is a high earner. At the time of dh’s divorce, his fil helped his dd take dh to the cleaners though this seems to have been forgotten.

I’ve just seen a message flash up on dh’s phone thanking him for another enormous amount and am LIVID that dh has chosen not to tell me about this one. I appreciate he is the earner but I feel angry and resentful that he’s lied and taken the easy way out (he finds it hard to say no generally), as he knew what my answer would be.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 28/07/2018 10:52

He sounds bonkers, if his dd took your dh to the cleaners cant she help him out?

I would go mental. People have lied about being ill to get money, one of dhs colleagues lied his child was terminally ill to get paid leave from work.

Bluelady · 28/07/2018 11:05

If you were working I might have some sympathy but it's his money that he earns to do with as he wishes unless it's causing your family hardship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2018 11:07

It’s not his money, it’s family money and OPs DH is giving it away behind her back to an unrelated adult who helped screw him over.

I’d go fucking nuts.

Have you told him you know?

parteeesss · 28/07/2018 11:10

Talk to him. I couldn't let that one go. And I'd be concentrating on the fact I was more upset at the secrecy than anything else.

How does he justify his need to say yes? Why do you think he does it?
If you can afford it, then you might just have to accept that he wants to do this, but the secrecy is not on.

Bluelady · 28/07/2018 11:11

Sorry, it is his money, he earns it. And he clearly thinks so too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2018 11:12

Why isn’t ex FIL hitting his DD up for a loan?

AfterSchoolWorry · 28/07/2018 11:14

Bluelady

Agree with this, I wouldn't be happy about the husband wasting money on someone who could pop their clogs at any time. But working for nothing? That's nearly as bad.

Jaxhog · 28/07/2018 11:18

Hang on, if you're married it isn't a matter of 'his' money; it's family money. You should be sharing these decisions.

MatildaTheCat · 28/07/2018 11:20

Working for nothing is bad?? This country runs on volunteers. It’s an amazing thing to do and if that’s what the OP is referring to good for her. Also for calling it work which it is.

DH needs a very stern talking to. How very odd and annoying.

Jenny70 · 28/07/2018 11:29

I wouldn't be happy with this AT ALL, bugger the "he earns it" brigade. You have a family setup where he earns the family income, but this doesn't mean it is his to do with as he wants. There has obviously been an agreement that you don't do paid work, as you contribute to the household in other ways...

You need to speak to him about this ASAP, was the earlier amount repaid at all? Is there any paperwork, so that if FIL is terminal these loans can be claimed from his estate (if there is one). What would he say if you gave that sort of money to your friend/family/charity cause close to your heart. Surely you have some equality in this relationship?

Bluelady · 28/07/2018 11:30

I hate this "family money" schtick. There's no such thing. A family doesn't generate money, its members do. In this case one person who has chosen to lend some of the money he earns and kept it quiet because his wife kicked up such a stink last time.

If I were the sole breadwinner I'd take a pretty dim view of my spouse trying to dictate how I spent money over and above that needed to provide for the family.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 28/07/2018 11:32

Being a doormat for all and sundry isn't an attractive quality imo.

I would have little respect for such a walkover.

Birdsgottafly · 28/07/2018 11:33

Does your DH have children to his ex?

What is the money for?

It should be discussed, but I don't think that you get to override him on this.

Clairetree1 · 28/07/2018 11:33

I would say none of your business

Birdsgottafly · 28/07/2018 11:35

Also why is he "on good terms" with his ex FIL, if he helped his DD take him to the cleaners?

LML83 · 28/07/2018 11:35

Is your family going to suffer as a result of this loan? If you can afford it then I think it's admirable dh will help ex fil of he is ill, not related but still matters to him.

He should have discussed it with you, but if it's important to dh and you aren't going to struggle then you would be wrong to say no.

Seasawride · 28/07/2018 11:36

His money

What utter bollocks so a sahm/dad has no say I the family finances??

1952 is calling you back BlueLady

Op I would be livid.

Bluelady · 28/07/2018 11:38

Nothing to do with 1952. I'd say the same if the woman was the sole breadwinner.

happypoobum · 28/07/2018 11:38

I would be livid.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2018 11:38

Anyone saying it’s not OPs business, would it be okay if the DH spent thousands on a nice watch he didn’t need, lost it gambling, booked a holiday for himself, all because he earns it and she gets no say?

And if that left them short on bills or unable to pay the mortgage, unable to have a joint holiday?

Bluelady · 28/07/2018 11:40

But that's not what's happened, is it?

Racecardriver · 28/07/2018 11:41

Well look. If you are making a donestic contribution equivalent to full tone work like being SAHM to young children or caring for someone than its is very much family money. But if you have chosen to do something that brings no benefit to the household then it is very much his money to do with whatever he wants.

Birdsgottafly · 28/07/2018 11:42

Anne it isn't comparable.

The OP hasn't answered what the money was for, if there are children etc.

It could be for home adaptations, for a dying friend it was a secured loan, so it was safe.

It isn't leaving them short.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2018 11:42

He’s giving money away to someone who’s unrelated to OP and her DH without her knowledge presumably to benefit himself so he can play the big generous man while his own household loses out. The loss is the same for OP no matter where the money ends up. She doesn’t agree with it and he’s doing it anyway and behind her back.

Bluelady · 28/07/2018 11:44

It's a secured loan, it hasn't been given away.

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