Dh lending money to ex Fil

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Dh is on good terms with his ex fil who has fallen on hard times and now has a life threatening illness. He asked dh for a secured loan last year. We had a huge row at the time but I caved in and agreed if it was just the once and was actually repaid.

My work is not paid I do not have an income so it’s not as if the money comes from me, dh is a high earner. At the time of dh’s divorce, his fil helped his dd take dh to the cleaners though this seems to have been forgotten.

I’ve just seen a message flash up on dh’s phone thanking him for another enormous amount and am LIVID that dh has chosen not to tell me about this one. I appreciate he is the earner but I feel angry and resentful that he’s lied and taken the easy way out (he finds it hard to say no generally), as he knew what my answer would be.

Your husband should have discussed it with you.

It is family money - the sahp doing all the mental load and childcare, housework etc makes it much easier for the high earner to climb the career ladder. You are in a partnership. If the loan is not repaid would your lifestyle be affected (larger mortgage etc?)

If someone took a member of my family "to the cleaners" once before, and now my family member was secretly throwing more money at them behind my back, I'd wonder what information the recipient had on them. Is it possible he's hiding something bigger than the money?

I imagine the 'helping his DD take DP to the cleaners' she means 'helping his DD get her rightful money for supporting her husband while raising their DC', so I don't think too much credence should be given to this 'shocking' statement.

However, he is your partner, whatever his relationship with his EX FIL, he should be discussing handing over large amounts of money with you, like, well, a partnership. To do it in secret would make me wonder what other secret he would be prepared to keep.

Odd

There is more to this than meets the eye

I wonder how well DH gets on with his Ex wife

He did discuss it with her the first time and it generated a huge row. She says he knew she'd say no, so he didn't bother discussing it. I'm afraid I'd do exactly the same thing.

Surely it all depends. By lending giving his ex-FIL money does it impact on your standard of living? Are you all eating value beans on toast every night and wearing rags? If not, I don't see the problem. I'm assuming it's not the case or you would presumably get a paying job.

BlueLady, I work voluntarily, is that something to be ashamed of?

kids are practically adults so no I don’t work in the home. I realise we’re in a very fortunate position financially solely down to dh. Our lifestyle is not affected by the loan.

It’s more a feeling of frustration that dh is an easy target as he can rarely say no. Two very different opinion camps here and I am grateful to all, thank you.

At the time of dh’s divorce, his fil helped his dd take dh to the cleaners

You mean first wife got what she was entitled to legally ?

No Bluelady it is their money, they are married.

Fuck that. Every penny dh earns is both of ours, as it was when I worked. Either of us wants to lend to someone else we talk it through, basic respect.

How did he “help” his dd take your dh to the cleaners? He couldn’t have had that much impact, surely?

newYearNewMe18 That is what I thought too. How long was he married to his ex wife? Her family became his family too and you can't just turn off feelings like a tap. He may still be friends with the exFIL.
Maybe he didn't speak to you about it because he already knew you what your response would be. You clearly have issues that he has an ex who was entitled to her share of the family money upon divorce!

He knows your opinion and wanted to give it anyway? What is the point in discussing?

This isn't effecting your lifestyle and he supports/accepts your choices about not working. I think he did a kind thing.

No Bluelady it is their money, they are married.

In what sense is it "their money", if she has zero legal say in how it is spent?

I'm married. I have my money, he has his. Neither of us would dream of telling the other what do with their money.

Oh no NewYearNewMe, she got a lot more than she was entitled to legally. Can’t explain what her dad did at the time without it being identifying. I have no bitterness towards his ex- I wasn’t obviously around then anyway, if anything I’m grateful for her affair as I wouldn’t be with dh otherwise.

Dh is an unusually kind person, we have had similar from other family members and for me the problem is more the taking advantage of him, never repaying on loans.

But in this instance yes I’m livid with dh for not telling me.

You know why he didn’t tell you - because of the huge row last time.

I can see both sides to this.

I wonder whether you could try to reframe this in your mind as a signifier of what a good and generous person your husband is rather than “an easy target”.

He's not being kind to you though is he? I'd be livid with him. Did FIL pay back the other loan?

Thanks Hedda, I know he’s kept it from me for an easy life but I can’t bear not being able to trust dh in this way. Thanks all again.