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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner never let me no where he was

54 replies

Paddington23 · 28/07/2018 08:45

Few nights a week he goes out and so do I I always let him no when I’m going out. I also text when I’m on my way home and maybe one if I’m staying out super late. My partner always goes to the same pub with friends or work colleagues and will mention before work but that’s it. Pub closes at 9.30 but they often stay as the no the owner let’s say till ten. That’s when I roughly expect him home. Recently he’s been going for food after but never texting me. When I ring he never answers I text to say I’m getting worried no answer happened a few times. he will then ring when he’s leaving 5 mins walk away last time he even put his mate on the phone to let me no he was with him.
Last night just takes the biscuit I got in late at 11 had been to dinner with some friends then out for cocktails. I had text him at lunch to remind him I was out but never got answers I text again to say I was going to be home at 11 no answer buy midnight he wasn’t home and I had rung so much getting worried I must have fallen asleep while waiting for him. He was in bed when I woke up still asleep im not sure what to do I don’t want to cause an argument if I’m not being unreasonable just to have a Text. He always says he has no signal which can be true it’s hit and miss. His phone also doesn’t show missed calls but I’ve rung him on fb and sent a message. I’m really worried about him last week work sent him home due to stress but he continued to go to work. Last time he was late home he came home crying upset

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 28/07/2018 08:57

Omg. You both sound like total drama llama's.

I get you want to know roughly where he is/what time he is home, but panicking when he isn't in for 11pm, is frankly a bit pathetic.

He came home crying because he got in late. Did I read that correctly?

It would be prudent of him to let you know if he was home late if he is aware you panic so much, but sounds like you both need to grow up a bit. Unless there is some massive drip feed?

sugarPlumFairly · 28/07/2018 09:05

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Original poster
Paddington23 · 28/07/2018 09:14

Sugar plum fairy are you always this mean I severely dyslexic have lots of other issues so don’t start. he was crying due to stress he has a bit of a break down. And I only like to no when the pub closes at 9.30 and he’s not home till midnight what is he doing

OP posts:
faeriequeen · 28/07/2018 09:17

The post is very hard to read. I'm also dyslexic. But using "no" instead of "know" and "never" instead of "didn't" changes the meaning.

LoniceraJaponica · 28/07/2018 09:18

Where do you live where pubs close at 9.30?

I agree that you are not unreasonable to be concerned about the missing 2.5 hours.

magoria · 28/07/2018 09:20

Where are you that the pub closes so early?

I don't know of any that close at this time how does it make a profit?

Are you sure he is at a pub?

Suebnm · 28/07/2018 09:21

Have you asked your boyfriend what he does for several hours after the pub shuts, could you have a reasonable conversation with your boyfriend to alleviate your obvious anxiety?

HarrietKettleWasHere · 28/07/2018 09:21

What is this pub that closes at 9:30?!

I think I'd have a breakdown too if my other half was constantly ringing and texting to find out where I was.

longwayoff · 28/07/2018 09:23

O Paddington he's a bit of a tosser but the more u nag him the more he'll resist, its a way of controlling you. The number of males whose text finger stops working when they're out is uncountable. Dont obsess over him, rry to ignore it. He wont like that.

Blackteadrinker77 · 28/07/2018 09:23

In all my decades of marriage I never text or rang my husband when I'm on a night out.

LostInShoebiz · 28/07/2018 09:23

What’s the problem with him being late? I have sympathy when these threads involve women having to carry extra heavy responsibilities the next day but this doesn’t sound like it.

Unless there is a massive drip feed about his mental state and being out on his own, you are totally unreasonable in your level of control freakery.

sugarPlumFairly · 28/07/2018 09:24

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Ledkr · 28/07/2018 09:24

Gosh.
The op may have made spelling and grammar mistakes but some people's manners need a rethink!
How rude to point out someone's spelling mistakes.

LoniceraJaponica · 28/07/2018 09:25

I'm beginning to think that he might be economical with the truth about the pub closing at 9.30.

LostInShoebiz · 28/07/2018 09:26

Really Blacktea? You’re missing a trick.

Quick text to say stick the laundry on, can you do the hoovering I know I said I’ll be back late, can you stick the oven on and do a pizza for the exact minute I roll through the door: all good options for your next night out.

Returnofthesmileybar · 28/07/2018 09:27

The problem is is that one of you calls far too much and the other not at all. I would feel suffocated and controlled if I got that many calls and texts. You both need to find a happy medium where you agree not to call or text and he agrees to try understand that you are a caller/texter and to make an effort to text once to keep you posted. But you need to relax a bit a think, you sound very ott, anyone who drinks in a pub that closes at 9.30 is unlikely to be an adventurous party animal anyway and you can't live your life thinking something might happen him before midnight

PattiStanger · 28/07/2018 09:29

Are you sure his phone doesn't show missed calls, that sounds like he's lying or he's switched it off to avoid you. That with telling you the pub closes at 9.30 suggests he's not being truthful about what he's doing.

Cleaningthefours · 28/07/2018 09:29

Why would you be worried if he wasn't home by midnight? What would you be worrying about?

comedycentral · 28/07/2018 09:29

It sounds like you are worried about his stress at work at the moment. You say he came home crying, is that usual for him?

I hope you are OK. It's not nice to be in this situation. In future you may get a kinder reception posting on the relationships board. AIBU can be a harsh board to post on if you are feeling low.

confusedandemployed · 28/07/2018 09:30
  1. I too want to know what sort of pub closes at 9.30
  2. Why do you live in each other's pockets like this? Presumably you're both adults, surely you're capable of going out without each other, without needing to keep up a commentary about what you're doing / when you'll be home.
So yes YABU
BakedBeans47 · 28/07/2018 09:31

What kind of pub closes at 9.30?

anotherangel2 · 28/07/2018 09:35

I don’t ring or text my husband to say what time I will be home if I am out. The person at homely send a quick photo of the toddler now or ask if you are having a good night but there is no expectation of a reply.

I would be more concerned about stress to the extent work are sending him and crying due to stress. He needs to see the GP. Alcohol is not going to help him and it sounds like he drinks regularly.

I would also lay if the obession if texting and ringing each other when you are not together.

Shoxfordian · 28/07/2018 09:35

Why do you need to know when he'll be home?He's an adult, he's out with his friends. Yabu and a bit controlling.

WarPigeon · 28/07/2018 09:37

He’s a big boy and can look after himself... your being a crazy lady. Banging around and making lots of noise if he has a hangover however is in my book perfectly acceptable!

Lovemusic33 · 28/07/2018 09:50

Not sure why people are saying OP’s post is hard to read? [ hmm] seems pretty clear to me.

OP I think you need to give him a bit of space, do you really need to know everything he does? Yes he’s been stressed but you pestering for updates on what he’s doing is probably making him more stressed?