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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why accidental pregnancies are ok in older women?

39 replies

Damnivy · 27/07/2018 23:23

So just reading a different thread, and notice a comment, along the lines of, a lady fell pregnant from an affair, an older woman not a silly young girl. Hmm

What difference does age make, your having an affair and acidentaly fall pregnant. This 'young girl' could be in the same circumstances in her life as the older lady, so why is she the silly one?
I know people in early 20s who, have there own homes and are much more successful than people in their 30s. And I know some pretty crap parents that are older. And 30+ women living at home still! Yes there are some very irresponsible young people, but the same can be said for older people!

I know some people will say it's because being younger you have your whole life ahead of you, I don't agree that children stop you from living.

I was the silly young girl, I have also raised my children very well, we both have good jobs, a nice home, and expirienced life.

Age doesn't make a huge difference when it comes to parenting.

So AIBU to ask honestly why people have these opinions?

OP posts:
Brieonabagel · 27/07/2018 23:25

I noticed that too! Hmm

BlueBug45 · 27/07/2018 23:31

30 isn't an "older" woman.

However at 30 you are expected by society to be more independent than at 20.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 27/07/2018 23:32

I agree with you, though I haven't read the thread in question. I guess people will tend to assume that the 'silly young girl' will have more opportunities to get pregnant in a stable relationship, whereas this may be the older woman's only chance. Maybe they assume that the younger woman doesn't fully grasp how life changing a baby is, compared to an older woman who is capable of fully weighing up the impact.

It's very stereotypical.

Original poster
Damnivy · 27/07/2018 23:34

BlueBug No your right it's not an older woman, just older that early 20s. Just using it as an example as it's seen as more acceptable!

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 27/07/2018 23:36

Well at 30 who've missed that magic window when it's acceptable to be pg - but at 20 who haven't reached it yet.

I'm not sure the window is even a year long.

BlueBug45 · 27/07/2018 23:38

@bigKiteFlying Grin

SandyY2K · 27/07/2018 23:40

Not read the thread you're referring to...but I wonder if it's to do with the bio clock.

People may think an older woman who gets pregnant...even in bad circumstances isn't so bad as it may be her last chance to be a mum.

Especially as she's already settled for being the OW.

ElevenSmiles · 28/07/2018 00:02

I think very few pregnancies are accidents regardless of age.

GoldenChildAndIHateIt · 28/07/2018 01:11

I don't think we should judge mothers having children at any age. how does judging or shaming help?

SquishySquirmy · 28/07/2018 01:19

ElevenSmiles
I think very few pregnancies are accidents regardless of age.

Why do you think that?
I thought statistics suggested it was quite common?

I know quite a few women who have had accidental pregnancies.

For most of the ones I know of it wasn't a completely unwanted pregnancy, but definitely unplanned in that they were on contraception. There may well be many more women I know who had accidental pregnancies but had a termination. But I wouldn't know, because women generally only share that sort of experience with very close friends and family.

Johnnyfinland · 28/07/2018 01:29

@Eleven, that’s a very odd thing to say, I’ve had an accidental and completely unwanted pregnancy - I was on contraception and I had an abortion.

OP, I would guess it’s an assumption that as you get older you’re less careless about contraception, and that your life situation stabilises. There is a big difference between an 18-year-old who has an unprotected one night stand getting pregnant, who may still be a student or living at home, and a 30something woman who has a contraception failure but has a stable job and home and could theoretically raise a child. I know I certainly took risks with having unprotected sex when I was younger, I was lucky I never got pregnant from those, in fact it was the contraception failure/unwanted pregnancy that scared me into being much more careful.

That said, older people can still be careless or unstable life-wise as you said so I think it’s more down to stereotypes

EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed · 28/07/2018 02:19

I think very few pregnancies are accidents regardless of age

Wholeheartedly agree @Eleven. Of course there are exceptions to this but there are very few true accidents.

There is also a world of difference between a teen/young woman deciding to have a baby and a woman in her 30s. I'd question both on why they felt they had to frame it as an 'accident' but I'd feel way sadder that such a young person didn't feel they could or should aim higher. Yeah, yeah there is always the "I was a young parent blah blah blah" anecdata but it's generally not the reality. I actually can't believe anyone would question the two in general terms

Off to find the thread.

MaggieMeldrum · 28/07/2018 03:21

I got pregnant whilst using the mirena coil, it was still in situ and everything. That really was an accident

Birdsgottafly · 28/07/2018 04:04

" but I'd feel way sadder that such a young person didn't feel they could or should aim higher"

"Higher" is a matter down to the individual, though.

Not everyone wants the Uni/high flying career.

There are more people doing Minimum wage and only a few pounds more, than there are higher earners.

Why have you got to reach a certain age before having the right to make the decision that you want to go ahead and have children?

All the "independent higher earning career Women" don't seem to equate this issue as the most Feminist issue ever.

We've got to stop wanting Women to be all-things-to-all-people. Expecting them to have a life that can be held up to scrutiny and their life choices having to gain some majority vote, should have well been ended by now.

I've also known some accidental pregnancies. My DD had to get her coil removed early on in her pregnancy. I became accidentally pregnant twice, during my marriage and with a partner. One I decided on termination and the other I miscarried, but might have ended. I struggled to get contraception that suited me and welcomed an early Menopause.

JennyBlueWren · 28/07/2018 04:34

I haven't read that thread but reading that comment out of context I would take it to mean that the"older" woman should know better how to prevent pregnancy (as she's been doing it for a while) whereas a "silly young girl" would be more expected to make a mistake or be naive.

Also differences in fertility levels.

twattymctwatterson · 28/07/2018 19:55

Eleven means women get themselves pregnant deliberately to "trap" men and lie about it. Misogynistic bollocks really

FASH84 · 28/07/2018 20:38

For me it's about capacity to provide stability and to cope with caring for a young child, regardless of age. Generally women in their late teens are less independent of their families and or state support than older women who have worked, are probably further in their careers etc. I'd think it was irresponsible at any age if you're not able to look after and provide for yourself let alone a child too.

lljkk · 28/07/2018 20:44

I don't understand what OP is complaining about. Confused

MrSpock · 28/07/2018 21:03

but I'd feel way sadder that such a young person didn't feel they could or should aim higher

Why is being a mother less worthy than being a solicitor?

RiddleyW · 28/07/2018 21:11

Why is being a mother less worthy than being a solicitor?

The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Do you think men ever get asked to weigh up being a plumber or a bank manger vs being a father?

figelnarage · 28/07/2018 21:17

I haven't seen the thread but isn't it just meant in the way you'd be surprised that anyone with more life experience would be so careless (if that's what led to the pregnancy)?

mimibunz · 28/07/2018 21:23

Back when my friends and I became sexually active the stats on getting pregnant while on the pill were about 98%. None of us got pregnant. I’m not sure what changed. Is birth control not as effective these days?

PineapplePower · 28/07/2018 21:24

I know some people will say it's because being younger you have your whole life ahead of you, I don't agree that children stop you from living

Well you don’t literally die but having children limits your horizon a bit (so does marriage for that matter). You can’t just quit a job you hate and go travel the world or live in a bed sit and try to make a go of it with your band.

You have real responsibilities and someone depending on you. That’s big and can suck the joy out of life if it’s not something you 100% want.

Some say that you are done with the whole children thing if you start early, but ime my friends who have had children early are still dealing with them as they decided to have more later on or because their children still need support into adulthood.

Allthewaves · 28/07/2018 21:52

Usually they have a home and.means if supporting themselves

MrSpock · 28/07/2018 22:05

The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Do you think men ever get asked to weigh up being a plumber or a bank manger vs being a father?

No they aren’t, but look at the comment I was responding to. Someone thinks it’s a waste if women choose to have kids young instead of a career. So I was asking why one is less worthy.