I’ve played violin in an orchestra for about five years. Last year they were one committee member short so I volunteered. As the orchestra is a charity this meant also becoming a Trustee. I enjoyed it because the committee meeting was at the pub on the last Sunday of the month and I’m quite isolated since being a mum so it meant a lot to me to have that little bit of social life.
Earlier this year a new person joined. Certain people decided they’d prefer their new friend on the committee instead of me. They wrote a letter of no confidence to the secretary complaining I didn’t put in enough effort and they wanted me replaced after the summer break. For the record I’ve put in more effort than some others, it was just an excuse to replace me with their friend. It’s within the rules for them to do that but I was really hurt because it felt underhanded and mean. I thought they were my friends and if they thought I was struggling I’d expect an informal chat not a letter discussed and written behind my back.
The letter of no confidence was signed by 8 people and the secretary said they’d have to take a vote from the full orchestra. This started an argument about what the rules said should happen and how it should be done, it went on for some time and it was getting quite heated. In the end the new lady said she changed her mind and didn’t want to cause this fuss, and she shook my hand and said please just retain your seat. Nobody objected.
The next day the secretary called to say the lady had made a complaint that I’d cheated by retaining my seat without a vote. I pointed out that it was her suggestion! But apparently she complained she didn’t mean it like that and the rules required there to have been a vote. Some of those who signed the letter had also contacted the secretary to say they supported the complaint. The secretary informed me that a complaint had also been made to the Charities Commission regarding my cheating to remain a Trustee. This complaint hadn’t been made by the lady but by the vice chair who dislikes me and imo was driving the whole thing.
I was incredibly hurt and offended at the accusation. To me it sounded like the lady had a fit of conscience and backed out? She seemed happy at the time. Then afterwards the others had said why did you do that! And persuaded her to complain.
Shortly after I received another phone call to inform me that another musician had made a complaint to the secretary that 4 of the 8 people who signed the letter had been texting other orchestra members earlier in the day, telling them they were planning to hand in this letter and push for a vote that night, and trying to coerce them to vote for this other lady. The complaint was that this was unfair and manipulative behaviour. To me it was just the last straw.
Suffice to say I felt victimised and bullied. I told the secretary I quit from the entire orchestra. 8 people is nearly a quarter of the orchestra and I don’t see how I could continue to associate with people who obviously dislike me so much?
But now I’m wondering if AIBU to quit my only hobby and give up the friends I had among the rest of the orchestra, and let these people just have their own way without a fight? I’m wondering if I should have said ok let’s vote? But then there would still be bad feelings regardless of the outcome. I can’t see them just accepting it if I won? I’m so desperately sad to give it up but I have a baby and I really can’t be bothered with this hassle and nastiness when it’s supposed to be a fun hobby. I don’t think I could look those people in the face and have a friendly conversation with them any more. I’m heartbroken because I thought they were my friends.