Present lists- outdated?

[babyyorkie]

Does anyone else feel that wedding present lists are a bit cheeky? We have just received one for a wedding in September and all of the gifts on their list are soooo expensive. Is it considered rude to give a present that isn't on the list?

I think it makes sense now that people on a guest list are less likely to know each other and be able to coordinate gifts. No one wants multiple toasters or kettles.

If the gifts on the list are too pricy I'd just put some cash in an envelope.

I think they're rude but know most people here think they're fine. I don't want to be told what to buy....it takes all the joy out of the occasion and makes people seem grabby.

IF people want to bring a gift, then the gift...whatever it is, should be accepted graciously.

I think they're handy, saves people getting lots of the same thing. When we did our gift list, we put lots of small items on it, so there was no expectation of getting big items. Unfortunately (or fortunately) some friends chose multiple small cost items instead of getting one mid cost one, meaning we had to go back and choose more small cost items so people had a choice. I think it's perfectly fine to choose a present not on the list, we only did one because a lot of people like them because it's easier. Would have been happy with no present tbh.

@AjasLipstick I agree, but my mum seems to think a wedding gift list is normal and not grabby. She thinks we should be doing one for our wedding next year but I 100% feel to awkward to expect people to buy my wish list!

I think they are handy but there needs to be a real range on stuff on them. Stuff from £10-£300. They are rude IMO when the cheapest gift is £50

But surely people can club together for stuff

I think they're fine. We're doing one for our wedding next year but nothing over £100 and the majority of stuff from £10 to £30ish. As long as you don't put super expensive stuff on there then I think it's alright.

I dont mind them as I'd rather buy something people actually want/need, instead of something that will sit in a cupboard or be passed on to someone else. That said, if the gifts are too pricey then I would just get a small token gift or put what I can afford in a card. I'm sure most couples wouldn't mind that.

KC225

But why put that admin on your guests? How is it that hard to find, say, a pair of mugs you like, or a nice teatowel that suits you?

I am a fan of lists, if people want physical presents. So efficient, and doesn't leave you as a victim of someone else's taste. I created my sister's wedding list - camping gear. Everything on there from the tent itself (from me), to plastic plates, camping cutlery. Made up one big present out of whatever anyone wanted to buy.

By the way, people may not be being greedy putting very expensive items on their lists. Lots of stores give big discounts on unpurchased list items, so people put them on in the expectation of buying them themselves later.

I don't think it's cheeky at all.
Most people bring a gift to a wedding, whether it is an actual gift or cash.

If people want to buy a present it gives them insight into what the couple actually want. It saves hours trawling round online or in shops for a present that the couple may not even like or already has. I have actually heard guests complaining when there hasn't been a gift list!
My friend ended up with 11 vases because she did not have a gift list. She already had enough vases and I have no idea what she did with them all.
If you don't do a gift list you will probably end up with a lot of champagne glasses and vases but if you're happy with that and have the space then just leave people to it.

They are a sensible thing that acknowledges that people give gifts at weddings and that most guests (relatives or friends of the parents) don't actually know the bride and groom or the other guests well enough to know what would be appreciated and not duplicated. They should have a range of costs on them so guests can buy something within their budget. And there needs to be lots of stuff on there so those that buy at the last minute still have a choice in budget.

And if you buy off list then be aware that you may be wasting your money, e.g. my aunt disapproves of wedding lists so did not buy part of the dinner set that was on our list, she bought part of a different set. Funnily enough in 20 years of marriage we've never used what she gave us. The set on the list that multiple people bought for us has been used daily. In fact it's only 'off list' presents that have sat languishing in the attic, mainly the 'look at me' decorative items that we didn't have room for (frankly even now with 3 fruitbats kids and a big house we still don't have room to display all the fruit bowls we received). So if you must go off list get something boring, practical and neutral like white towels or cotton bedsheets or teacloths or kitchen scissors.

My family love present lists but most of us are inherently self-obsessed and so buy what we like rather than thinking about what the recipient would like. I always know who is going to buy what from my Amazon wish list, it's scary how predictable it is actually.

Wedding gift lists have indeed been around for generations - I think it was just that the convention used to be that you had to ask the bride's mother which department store the list was held at if you wanted to buy from it, rather than the list being included with the invitation. I think they're very sensible, actually.

The point of the list was always to help the couple set up house together, though, to avoid them getting four frying pans but no towels. I do get a bit irritated if it's e.g. a second marriage late in life where the couple will have had presents for their first weddings, or a couple who have been living together for many years and whose house is already expensively furnished to their taste, and you get the sense that the gift list is more to do with a chance to sting guests for very expensive status objects that the couple don't want to pay for themselves (think juicers and robot vacuum cleaners starting at £100+ and no option of gift vouchers to contribute towards one of these larger items). For a couple in that position, as opposed to a young couple starting out, I think gift lists can be tricky.

The last wedding we went to was a cousin of DH's. In our house we have a 50/50 discussion but the decision lies with the one connected and DH decided he didn't like the wedding list. We did go to the department shop and look at everything so it wasn't a total whim. He wanted to buy a vase so we did.

As it happens, the thank you note said that as soon as the happy couple returned from their honeymoon, they entertained a few friends and a bunch of flowers was brought. Lo and behold, they were able to put the flowers into a vase so they were very thankful.

For our wedding, I couldn't do a present list but heaps of people contacted my mum asking what I liked. She made me sit with her and write the style of furniture/nicknacks I liked (ie modern vs old fashioned, pink vs yellow etc). I cried my way through it as I found it so awful saying to 120 people "I want ...". I was 33 years old by then.

I received some day to day things I continue to use but also some lovely antiques including a family heirloom (does anyone drink espresso from thimble cups anymore?) but the little note with the story attached means the world.

I think this is a long winded way of saying just do what you think and feels right.

We didn't do a gift list. We really didn't need or want anything. Our invite also said not to worry about it.

We had a small wedding (14 people) so we weren't looking to presents to offset a massive blow out wedding. I think if you aren't bothered about stuff, it's far classier to say not to worry. You'll still get gifts, but they are given in good will and with affection.

I think including a gift list with the invitations, straight off the bat, is rude and grabby. You might as well write 'We're getting married so you have to buy us a present and only one of THESE presents will do!' on the invite.

I felt quite uncomfortable giving out a gift list for our wedding, and only did so at all because guests were asking for ideas what to get us. I kept it very general, I think lists that specify 'X item in Y colour from the Z range available at [insert name of store]' are rude. If you're going to be that specific, ask for vouchers and go get X item in Y colour from the Z range available at [insert name of store] yourself.

We had multiple expensive gifts on our gift list but we asked people to buy us vouchers which would go towards the expensive things on the list and that we didn't expect them to buy us the expensive items.
Like most couples we had most the things we needed and were upgrading to a few nice extras.
For us it was a nice way of showing what we would spend the money on. Id say if you don't want to spend as much as what is on the list, buy them a gift voucher for where ever their gift list is.

I hate them and do think when the couple is not newly setting up home it's not necessary, but worst is asking for money ( although I don't mind giving money, just hate being asked for it. It's not rude to ignore the list and do what you want

I prefer them, means I get something that they want, hate giving money.

I still buy something that I would choose to buy if that makes sense but does mean the recipients will definitely like it.

On our list all bar 2 things were less than £50 with the majority less than £30 each. We did add on 2 bigger items, Le Cruset Casserole dishes, with no expectations of anyone buying them but with our list outstanding items could be bought afterwards with a discount so we added it and planned to buy it for ourselves but a friend of my husband bought the big one and my sister the other one!

We had someone complain that our gift list was too small and cheap

I think some of us are aware that many things are relatively cheaper to buy and we have somewhat of a throwaway culture and are uncomfortable with people spending money on things they won't use.

I think they are incredibly useful, and means you know you are getting the couple something they want. Same as an Amazon wishlist for a birthday or Christmas - it means you know you are getting th recipient something they want or like. I hate to think of the waste of buying someone a gift that isn't to their taste / they can't use / they have several duplicates.
It is, after all, a 'suggestion' or 'guide'. Everyone know it is there if you want to buy something off the list.

Oh however, you need to have lots of cheaper things on there, or something on the bottom that says "we are hoping to buy X or Y so vouchers for such and such a store would be appreciated" for when people can't club together for bigger items.

I think asking for presents or even worse money is tacky as anything and the height of bad manners. You don't get married for what you can get from others

Don't understand the list.

If you give a generic list to all guests -

What if every single guest bought you the same item off the list?

In my case it was a code which went into the department store website and brought up the list. As things got bought they were taken off the list. It was also useful seeing a list of who had bought what when doing thank you cards.

I love a gift list. It's good to know you're buying something they actually want. They're not new, I had one 46 years ago.