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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I in the wrong?

43 replies

SenoritaViva · 27/07/2018 08:08

I suggested last night that the family all go to fly kites and watch the sun go down at a local beauty spot. We were getting ready to go after supper when DH said he wasn’t coming. He changed his mind again (I think because our youngest was disappointed). I was holding the car keys, he went to take them off me and I said I was driving as he’d had wine. He told me he’d only had half a glass (probably true albeit a large ‘home’ half Rather than pub sizes). He asked again and again I refused (I hadn’t drunk anything). He told our youngest that he wasn’t coming because mum wanted to spend time with just them (the kids) and I didn’t want him there.

Was I unreasonable to have stuck to my guns about driving (it is 20 minutes away) or should I have let it go as he was under the limit? To be fair his reaction was quite quick and I didn’t expect it. We went without him.

I am hurt that he blamed me to our youngest (age 6, who repeated this in the car to his siblings).

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/07/2018 08:11

He'd obviously had enough to drink to be argumentative and nonsensical.

Is he often like that or could you talk to him about how hurt the kids were at his comments?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 08:12

Why didn't he just agree to you driving?
If he had only had half a glass of wine I wouldn't have had a problem with him driving but it seems odd that he wanted to drive.

Is there more going on here OP.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 27/07/2018 08:12

YANBU I’m in Scotland and our limit is much lowers anyway but even before they reduced it I always went for a zero alcohol approach. I would never have had anything to drink and then got behind the wheel.

In your situation it seemed odd when one of you hadn’t had a drink for the one that had to drive. Did he design the argument for an excuse not to go as he’d already tried to get out of it?

YeTalkShiteHen · 27/07/2018 08:12

Is that behaviour normal for your DH? Why insist on driving when there is an alternative driver who hasn’t had anything to drink? It makes absolutely no sense, and either he was pissed enough to not realise that upsetting the children was unfair, or he did it sober and is a dick.

Either way, he was being awful.

Merryoldgoat · 27/07/2018 08:13

What a dick. Him, just in case that wasn’t clear.

Is he often like that?

TooTrueToBeGood · 27/07/2018 08:14

He's a dick on more than one level, YANBU.

UpstartCrow · 27/07/2018 08:14

''He told our youngest that he wasn’t coming because mum wanted to spend time with just them (the kids) and I didn’t want him there.''

Thats a shitty thing to say to a child.
Is there any chance that he wanted you out of the house?

Hideandgo · 27/07/2018 08:14

What Curious said. My DH might be bemused if I judged his small drink to be too much when he himself felt sure it was fine but he’d respect that I had a preference and that it made sense for the complete non drinker to drive and would never use our kids to make a dig at me.

Tell him that if he ever uses the kids like that again you’ll be seriously reconsidering your view of him as a father.

TheShapeOfEwe · 27/07/2018 08:15

Sounds like either he was drunk and mean (in which case he definitely shouldn't have been driving) or he was sober and he's just horrible.

Why did he refuse to be driven by you? And has he used your children as pawns to punish you before? He sounds pretty awful Sad

Whereismumhiding2 · 27/07/2018 08:15

Your DH created a problem and involved your children in his pettiness. YWNBU. His behaviour shows that he probably had more than half a glass of wine.

He could easily have sat in the car with you driving (and grateful that he wasn't done for DUI with children in the car, or worse, caused an accident).

I hope your DH apologies. I hope he doesn't make a habit of this, sounds like he forgot to respect you that day.

RedDwarves · 27/07/2018 08:15

Both of you ABU.

He clearly didn't want to go in the first place, and was being a petulant twat by telling your child that he wasn't going because you didn't want him there.

But you are being unreasonable for determining that a man under the legal limit couldn't drive.

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/07/2018 08:16

No you were right, if there are two capable drivers in a car, one with a drink in them and one without, chosing the one with a drink as the driver just makes no sense at all.

He was an asshole to lie like that and blame you to get himself out of the situation, i'd be really pissed off over that.

Pengggwn · 27/07/2018 08:16

Half a large glass of wine is probably about 1.5 units, so less than a pint. Most men are under the limit after that amount of alcohol. I can't see why it would cause an argument but I am of the opinion that he would have been fine to drive.

Fuzzywig · 27/07/2018 08:17

He didn’t want to go so jumped at the opportunity to blame you so he didn’t have to go.

He’s a selfish arse. I think you need to talk to him. Not fair to use you as a scapegoat.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 27/07/2018 08:17

DH normally drives us as he hates being a passenger (I’ve also become a hideous passenger too but I put up with it), we are both good drivers so there’s no backstory there.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 27/07/2018 08:18

YANBU even if he'd had nothing to drink why shouldn't you drive if you want to? He was being ridiculous to blame you for his strop.

FrancisCrawford · 27/07/2018 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 08:19

Very bad behaviour from him. Is be usually so childish. He should explain to your kids and apologise.

youarenotkiddingme · 27/07/2018 08:19

Alcohol aside why would he take car keys from you and insist he drives anyway?

You planned trip, you had keys - you can drive.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 27/07/2018 08:24

Reddwarf - I didn’t want him driving three children in the car having had alcohol. Why does he get to insist on driving but I don’t? I didn’t think insisting on driving would stop him coming. I also feel, as someone said, that I was used as a scapegoat, but I felt his comment to six year old was particularly unfair. I had suggested a family trip for the reason that I wanted us all to go.

OP posts:
Whereismumhiding2 · 27/07/2018 08:28

Yup, agree OP.

9amTrain · 27/07/2018 08:30

He's a dick and YANBU.

You were capable of driving, he wasn't. Why not just accept it? You weren't suggesting he pay for a minibus.

LittleCandle · 27/07/2018 08:33

You were quite right, OP. No way should you get behind the wheel if you've had anything to drink. It is impossible to judge if your reactions times are all right after one 'small' drink - you simply don't know. I do think he was completely in the wrong about blaming you for him not going. That isn't on. But well done for sticking to your guns!

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2018 08:46

He's obviously acted like a knob.
Does he usually do this ?

cariadlet · 27/07/2018 08:47

YNBU

He was probably under the legal limit, but any alcohol will affect your reaction times. It was your idea, you were holding the car keys and you hadn't had anything to drink. It's just so obvious that you should have been the one driving.

It was very spiteful of him to involve the children in this squabble. It's such a basic of good parenting that parents don't badmouth each other to their kids.