AIBU about in-laws suddenly being interested?

[HotAndUnreasonable]

I am seriously irritated by this, however I am also 30 weeks pregnant and appreciate I may be a pregnant-ragey-woman.

DH has lived in UK for 15 years, is from abroad but not far- short flight. In that time, his parents have visited him/us twice. Both for university graduations and last time was 2013. We have been over regularly, less in recent years as they don't make use feel welcome.
He had a fairly unhappy childhood and sees what he has achieved (good job, various qualifications) as despite them. I have never known them to show any interest whatsoever in him. We've made our peace with it, he gets on well with my family and when I got pregnant he told his parents but it wasn't met with much interest. We accepted that our DC will have one set of interested grandparents and that's OK.

He's just had a call from his DM "announcing" that they are going to come and stay with us- for the whole of next week arriving Monday! We've lived in this house 5 years and I actually don't think they even know our address. I am exhausted, have been unwell with hyperemesis the whole pregnancy and am not up for visitors. Never mind that our house is in disarray due to baby preparations/renovation and there's nowhere to actually put them! We also both work 9-5 with long commutes and it's far too late notice to take any time off.

DH wants to tell them either they aren't welcome and can sod off, or that they can come but not stay with us and we can meet them one or two evenings for dinner. He's pretty pissed off. I agree in general and am furious that they've just sprung this on us, but there's a bit of me that wonders if this is their attempt to form some semblance of a bond with new GC and if I should therefore be trying to nurture this for sake of future DC? Am I / are we BU? I know DH will be trying to protect me but I don't want to cut off nose to spite face, if that makes sense...

So I would be wondering what the agenda is. Why are they coming?

Don't give them your address, just give them the details of local hotels and meet them out for dinner. They don't need to stay with you for a week to build a bond. Sounds like it would probably be a miserable week anyway

You are not being unreasonable, tell them to stay elsewhere and you can just meet them for an evening meal somewhere and make a big deal about how you need lots of notice next time they decide to visit.

SpandexTutu good point! They only ever go on cruises on holiday. Maybe it's because of our actually hot weather - they've decided to have a little holiday here instead!?
We do live somewhere popular with tourists, and actually it's always perplexed us that they haven't been more keen - we often have people asking to come and "use us as a base"
I'm leaning towards just saying it's completely impossible to stay here but we'd happily meet them for a meal (thankfully the Cyclizine has worked wonders and I can actually eat again!!)

I think this is too late notice for them to expect you to be available and it's perfectly reasonable for you to expect them to stay elsewhere. I would just ensure that whatever you both decide, you communicate it to them properly before they leave - it's only fair that they know the deal before making the journey.

Yes that's a good point, we wouldn't let them get here then just turn them away. I am wondering if the prospect of having to stay in a hotel might put them off anyway, though

Get them to stay in a hotel as others suggest and meet up for meals elsewhere. That will let you know how keen they are to see you ~ or if they are just wanting a cheapo holiday.
First question "why have you decided to visit after so many years of showing no interest".

Ring them back to "clarify details" & be baffled at their plans to stay with you - as you're redecorating in readiness for the baby, obviously, & have nowhere to put them. And it's such a shame that you can't get any time off work as it's last minute.

It sounds like you're coming at this from the perspective of having had a happy/normal childhood with relatively normal parents?

He's coming at it from a more knowledgable perspective of knowing exactly what they're like!

As someone with a similar background I have this to say:

Shit parents make shit grandparents!

However keen they are at the beginning, whatever promises are made they revert to type.

I'm with at the very MOST they stay elsewhere and you meet up for the occasional meal. Their response will tell you a lot!

They aren't doing this for you or the baby but for them.

Have you done any exploration of how things might have been for him growing up? I'd recommend you do, not least because he's probably nervous he'll be just like them.

There's the stately homes threads on here, out of the fog site, certain books.

Sounds like they are not visiting out of any interest in you or your family, but out of geographic convenience to their holiday plans. Why subject yourselves to the bother of putting yourself out for these people who can't be bothered with you unless they are benefiting from your existence. Obligation need not exist in these type of relationships. These are relations NOT family. Their is a difference, and therefore you need not guilt yourselves over not bending over backwards to accomodate them.

If they were interested in building bonds in anticipation of a new GC, wouldnt the normal thing be to call and say, we would love to come and visit, when would be convenient? And then work out a plan that worked for all.

The announcing they are coming and ordering you to accomodate them seems unfriendly at best and bullying at worst.

I would definitely follow your DH's lead on this. He's quite right to be upset and/or suspicious regarding this visit. He may (or may not) be thinking ahead in wanting to protect his/your child from years of being treated badly as he was/is. That's a positive sign.

It's actually quite refreshing to read about someone who is prepared to tell the people who have treated them badly to sod off, rather than twisting themselves up trying to get approval from people who quite clearly don't give a shit.

Phone them, well get DH to phone and ask them straight -
Where do they intend on staying because you don't invite yourself into someone else's home for any length of time.
What do they intend on doing because they will be staying elsewhere and you both will be at work
You will try and see them during their week, but cannot make any promises because of pre-existing plans.

Not a chance in hell would I try and do anything for them. And your near a tourist area, they will have the added fun of trying to find somewhere to stay. As for commitments to see them, not a chance. They need to learn the hard way, you cannot impose yourself on people and expect them to be available.

id be on your dh side too.i can imagine hes pretty hurt by there being missing now trying to come back.so it might make it even harder for him to let them it but might some part of him be so furious because he would actually love them to be there?but is hurt.i don't know I can totally see as pp have said.but I also wouldn't want my dh to be secretly also desperate for his family in his life.
but then does this look like its to be a one off.are the going to be back in ur life for one visit.oh it tough.i don't know why they could be out ur lives for so long then be so cocky about being let back in

Very presumptuous of them to expect you to put them up. I agree with pps. Tell them it’s simply not possible. You are far too ill and give them info on hotels local to you.

So you're ill, you have no space for them and can't take any time off work. Plus you don't want to get them used to just turning up with no notice (believe me it took us years to stop DH's extended family just turning up).

The hotel seems a good idea.

Do let us know the outcome OP.

'It won't be possible for you to come and stay with us without making any arrangements to do so. It's not possible for you to stay with us next week. If you decide to come here and stay in a hotel, we would be able to meet up for lunch on Thursday '. Nightmare.

It would be too full on to have them in your home. If they stay in a hotel small bridges are possible, In your house something will boil over

Like fuck would they be staying

If they try to come anyway then I think you need to turn the lights off and pretend to not be in

Cheeky fuckers

*I would definitely follow your DH's lead on this. He's quite right to be upset and/or suspicious regarding this visit. He may (or may not) be thinking ahead in wanting to protect his/your child from years of being treated badly as he was/is. That's a positive sign.

It's actually quite refreshing to read about someone who is prepared to tell the people who have treated them badly to sod off, rather than twisting themselves up trying to get approval from people who quite clearly don't give a shit.*

Agree 100% with this!

I'd get your dh to call them and say its too short notice to stay with you and that you're not in a position to have guests stay what with feeling unwell and being busy etc. I think it's especially important to do this in case they see it as a green light for random short notice visits in the future!

I've had a similar situation myself and was actually quite shocked that anyone could just assume that you have no plans and are free/willing to entertain someone for a week of their choosing, with no warning whatsoever.

Yes Graphista that's a good point - I probably am coming at it from experience of having nice normal parents and happy upbringing.
Glad you all agree with my irritation!
So DH has phoned them to "clarify" their plans and said they can stay in a hotel and we will try and see them one evening. Apparently there was surprise that we don't have space as "you live in a house now!" (Last time they visited we were living in a 1 bed flat). They've also got entirely the wrong idea about how they'd get here and where we live in relation to the rest of the city (I.e. near but not actually in tourist-ville)
Apparently MIL is going to speak to FIL and call tomorrow. DH still very wary about what has prompted this and thinks it is just a "flash in the pan".

Hmm - is there an event or someone famous appearing in your nearby tourist town? So maybe they're just thinking it's convenient for them to do this thing and stay with you for free.

My ex before he got to know what a nightmare my family was, could be quite minimising/dismissive when I was anxious about them visiting and later us visiting them, even just talking on phone.

As time went on (and also as I told him more, in my case there was some quite serious abuse that I struggled to disclose) he came to realise I was not exaggerating!

It came as a shock to him that people like this existed.

That there were parents who's only interest in their DC were how it benefited and portrayed them. Who could take no criticism of any kind, readily employed emotional blackmail and straightforward cruelty to get their own way.

Because it was so alien to him. His parents are normal, quite nice quiet people who I can well believe rarely even raised their voices in disciplining their kids. Let alone screaming matches, slamming doors, throwing things etc (yep this was grown parents doing this - still do).

Everyone thinks how their family is/does things is the same for everyone pretty much.

Eg If you're on mn around Christmas you'll see that even more starkly - everyone thinks how their family does Christmas is the same as everyone else - when presents are opened, when dinner's eaten (hell even what's in the dinner - even on here the strong feelings on whether or not Yorkshire puddings belong on Christmas dinner are quite something!)

For those of us raised in dysfunctional homes it's quite a shock to us too. I can remember starting to stay at friends houses as I got older and becoming aware of how quickly I tensed up if a child was 'naughty' preparing for at the very least lots of shouting. Weirdly when it DIDN'T happen that almost made me more anxious initially.

It's a hard thing to explain.

I'm glad the suggestion that they stay in a hotel has been made - make sure you stick to it! However it is possible they want to build bridges, or have something important to tell you that will impact you (favourably) - you never can tell. So be friendly and open.

So sorry you've had that terrible vomiting problem, I can't begin to imagine how debilitating and just plain awful that must have been but glad it's under control now. Bless you.