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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like he has a guilty conscience or something to hide?

41 replies

Cupcakecafe · 26/07/2018 16:19

I'm ill today (d+v) so being quite quiet because I feel like shit. It started last night and i told my fiance I wasn't feeling well. This morning still felt the same so was a bit withdrawn because I hate being ill. I got a text just after he got to work asking what he'd done wrong because I was quiet and not speaking much.
On it's own I wouldn't think anything of it, but he's been a bit weird recently.

On Monday I didnt reply to a text or answer a phonecall as my phone was on charge and I was washing the dishes. He phoned me again later on and i saw as i walked past my phone so I answered. He was massively freaking out that i hadn't answered the previous call or replied to his texts. Said he thought he'd done something wrong, was sat in the bathroom shaking and was debating coming home from work.

Every time recently I've been a bit quiet he's always asking if he's done something wrong and what is it.

Aibu to think he must've done something and has a guilty conscience? I dont understand why he's constantly so worried that he might have done something wrong to that extent otherwise. I feel like he must've done something, or is waiting for me to see/ read/ be told something because otherwise why is he so convinced I think he's done something wrong?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2018 16:21

Said he thought he'd done something wrong, was sat in the bathroom shaking and was debating coming home from work.

Does he have anxiety?

MsHomeSlice · 26/07/2018 16:25

does he always make everything all about himself?

he sounds needy and tiresome, aside from a probably guilty conscience!

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 26/07/2018 16:27

Either guilty or has anxiety.

You're likely to know which one is more likely.

Babdoc · 26/07/2018 16:29

How long have you been together, OP? Has he always been anxious? Or is he trying to groom you into always looking out for his texts, always making sure you respond to his needs, always on edge and having to please him?

Original poster

Cupcakecafe · 26/07/2018 16:29

He doesn't usually make everything about himself no, just he seems really paranoid in the last couple of weeks.
Anxiety I'm not sure, I think a bit but never this extreme. He did say he was struggling with his mh just after having our dc, but that he was doing much better now.

He'll quite happily leave his phone in the room when he leaves it, or pass it to me to show me something so I don't think there can be anything on there. Then again when he got a message pop up across the top of the screen when he was showing me something the other day he grabbed at his phone.

OP posts:

BottleOfJameson · 26/07/2018 16:30

I agree with PP it sounds much more like he has anxiety. He might have become fixated on the idea that he's upset you and is interpreting every minor thing as proof of that.

Original poster

Cupcakecafe · 26/07/2018 16:35

Babdoc we've been together a few years now. Never any issues with whether I reply or not normally. Also even at the minute it isnt every day, just occasionally which is what's concerning I think. I guess I'm wondering if he's done something the day or night before that he's worrying about.

A couple of weeks ago we found out two of our friends are getting divorced because he was caught texting other women telling them he thought they were sexy, he wanted to sleep with them, he loved them not his wife etc.
So we were talking about it and about boundaries and I said obviously what friend did is automatically wrong. Then i said my boundaries are
1- if you are saying something to a woman you wouldn't want me to say to a man you obviously consider it to be wrong so why do it
2- if you are saying anything you wouldn't want me seeing, again you obviously consider it wrong so why do it.

Its been mainly since we had this conversation that he's been freaking out. So I'm thinking he's been saying or doing something he doesn't want me to know about.

I'm going to talk to him and ask when he gets in from work I think but I'm not expecting him to say much. I'm also worried because if it is nothing would I be causing a huge issue that isn't there

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 26/07/2018 16:38

Then again when he got a message pop up across the top of the screen when he was showing me something the other day he grabbed at his phone.

Well that's certainly not a good sign, did you not ask him about it there and then?

hamabr86 · 26/07/2018 16:46

Sounds like anxiety.. Before I started taking medication I started to get convinced DP didn't love me and was convinced that it was all about to end. I would take a quiet evening or him going out etc as 'evidence'.

I tended to bottle it all up and then randomly burst into tears and my poor DP just sat there in shock / confusion.

I would ask him if he generally feels on edge at the moment? Is there anything that may be causing him additional pressure?

Original poster

Cupcakecafe · 26/07/2018 16:51

Trinity66 I made a comment about it and asked what the issue was but he brushed it away.

OP posts:

TheShapeOfEwe · 26/07/2018 16:53

Sounds very like depression and / or anxiety. I would open up a conversation about that, rather than anything too accusatory.

Original poster

Cupcakecafe · 26/07/2018 17:01

I've just remembered something else which may be relevant.

We share a tablet rather than having one each because we dont use it much. It used to have his Facebook messenger and Instagram on it because he used it for social media whereas i only used it for emails and work stuff. A couple of weeks ago i noticed both were uninstalled from the tablet.

I don't know if I'm worrying myself unnecessarily and seeing everything as guilt at the moment (I've got a drs appointment tomorrow for anxiety and ?pnd so probably that is affecting my thoughts and maybe making me be distant which is worrying him).
Most people seem to think it could be anxiety and he did say he was struggling a few weeks back so I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and just talk to him.

OP posts:

Mousefunky · 26/07/2018 17:01

Could be depression or anxiety as PP’s have mentioned. It’s very common to convince yourself your OH no longer loves or wants you as crazy as it may seem to them.

On the flip side he may have been up to no good and is paranoid every time you go quiet that you have found out. I would question him about it and see what he says.

Original poster

Cupcakecafe · 27/07/2018 22:45

He left his messages open and his phone next to me, and a message came through so I looked.

It was from a girl he used to date just before we got together. I scrolled back and had a read of some previous messages.
They include things where she is saying she doesn't like herself much and he is saying "this is my 'her name'" with pictures of her.
Sending her kissing emojis to "hope it would bring a smile to her face"
Saying he only stopped seeing her because he didn't want to hurt her anymore and it hurts him so bad.
Saying she's a bit of alright and was stupidly sexy all the time they were together.

OP posts:

WineAndTiramisu · 27/07/2018 23:00

Ah, sorry you've had to read that. Have you confronted him? How long have you been together?

Original poster

Cupcakecafe · 27/07/2018 23:04

I haven't said anything yet.
I think I'm going to be sick.

I just looked again because he went in the kitchen and the message thread has been deleted. Thankfully I took pictures of all the messages.

OP posts:

Sailinghappy · 27/07/2018 23:11

Aw!!!!!! Sorry OP what a sneaky thing to do! Your instincts were right!!! I really hope you’re ok!!

Original poster

Cupcakecafe · 27/07/2018 23:15

I don't really know.
We've got a 3m old baby for fucks sake. Fair enough do it to me but how can he do it to her.

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 27/07/2018 23:24

Oh crap. I'm sorry lass.

Bottleup · 27/07/2018 23:29

It's not fair enough that he's done it to you your poor thing- you deserve so much better than that x

cornwallflowergirl · 27/07/2018 23:30

Send him a picture message of the screen shot of his chat - that way you don't have to actually tell him you know with words.

Accompany it with "please sleep downstairs, I need space and time to think"

That way you get time alone tonight to process x

cornwallflowergirl · 27/07/2018 23:31

I hope you're ok - this is a truly shitty situation x

WhoWants2Know · 28/07/2018 08:49

He's been worried that you found out or that she's contacted you.

toolonglurking · 28/07/2018 10:37

Shit, that is bollocks, I'm so sorry OP

cornwallflowergirl · 28/07/2018 23:52

How are things? X

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