To feel like he has a guilty conscience or something to hide?

[Cupcakecafe]

I'm ill today (d+v) so being quite quiet because I feel like shit. It started last night and i told my fiance I wasn't feeling well. This morning still felt the same so was a bit withdrawn because I hate being ill. I got a text just after he got to work asking what he'd done wrong because I was quiet and not speaking much.
On it's own I wouldn't think anything of it, but he's been a bit weird recently.

On Monday I didnt reply to a text or answer a phonecall as my phone was on charge and I was washing the dishes. He phoned me again later on and i saw as i walked past my phone so I answered. He was massively freaking out that i hadn't answered the previous call or replied to his texts. Said he thought he'd done something wrong, was sat in the bathroom shaking and was debating coming home from work.

Every time recently I've been a bit quiet he's always asking if he's done something wrong and what is it.

Aibu to think he must've done something and has a guilty conscience? I dont understand why he's constantly so worried that he might have done something wrong to that extent otherwise. I feel like he must've done something, or is waiting for me to see/ read/ be told something because otherwise why is he so convinced I think he's done something wrong?

If you have PND and anxiety he could be getting anxious about you and actually be worried in case you have done something, rather than it be a guilty conscious.

Honestly, in the distant past when I had done things I was ashamed of (and definitely shouldn’t have been doing), this is exactly how I reacted to unusual silences, delayed text backs etc. I just felt so anxious about being found out and guilty. I was an asshole. But I thought it would be good to share experience as someone who was on that side of the fence and did do as he seems to be doing now. I’m sorry OP.

We've had a few very long conversions and I've reread the messages with a calmer mind. I'm not quite sure where we go from here but we will see.

He was very sorry and was devastated at how I felt about it. He said he had deleted the conversion because he read it back and realised what he had said could have been interpreted very differently to how he meant it.
Apparently he meant it in a "reassuring" way, because the girl was being very down on herself saying she hated herself and wished she looked completely different so he said she was being an idiot and was stupidly sexy when he knew her.

To be fair to him, I read the messages again after he said that's how he meant It, and it is possible. It was all past tense about when they had been together, and nothing about now.

I'm not 100% sure on my feelings yet but I feel slightly calmer. I've not said that we are ok, but I've told him it's possible.
I said if i do let this go, he needs to be aware how i feel about it. And that if he ever does it again he does it in the full knowledge that he would lose everything we have. So if I forgive him and he does it again he has to fully believe that the conversations and texts are worth losing me, his daughter, our house, our life together, everything for.

Wedding planning is on hold while I consider how I feel and what I want to do.
Im not sure if it's enough to leave him over or if I give him a chance with him in full knowledge of the fact that one message and we are over and see what happens.

You have to do what's right for you lass, and you need time to process and decide.

I don't think I know whats right for me yet.

I love him and I want things to work but I'm hurting at the minute. It feels silly to break up a family if it was just a case of words being said without meaning behind them. But my stomach drops every time he picks up his phone at the moment.

Oh and I know what everyone always says on mn about being married before children for protection, but it isn't relevant in our case.
I earn double his wage, even on maternity pay in earning more than him as work gives you 3/4 pay for 9 months. The house is mine, I had it before we met, he isn't on deeds or mortgage.
Financially I'm fine without him and that isn't going to affect my decision at all.

After reading your last thread, I wouldn't be in a hurry to get married to be honest. If it goes wrong after, you would be handing over half the value of your house and savings etc. Sorry to be brutal and hope it all works out for you.

He wouldn't have hidden it and acted guilty if he didn't know he was doing wrong. You were suspicious before you found those texts and I think you were right to be, unfortunately.

Rina thats my issue.
I don't know if he was acting guilty because he meant it, or he realised how it sounded. Because the phonecall where he was freaking out he sounded terrified that he'd done something wrong. So I don't know if he realised at that point what he could lose or if he'd realised before that and was scared of losing everything.

I dont really know what I think or how I feel yet.

Funny how they delete the messages isn't it and they never leave a message to put together person straight that they were being out of order and it was taken in the wrong way

Your call OP, but nahh not a tool I'd be keeping

• the other - not together

Magpie
His ex was having none of it. Not a single message from her was anything other than superficial conversation or putting herself down. This is all him. He can't attempt to blame her or say she started it or anything like that. 100% him and him alone.

He's feeding you the script and minimising. It's good that you've put wedding plans on hold. Please don't be naive Cupcakecafe

So sorry you're going through this OP but it does show you need to always go with your gut because it's always right!

Just seen the thread and messages.

So sorry you're going through this OP, but I think you have to ask yourself honestly if you will ever trust him 100% again.

By the way you have said he was acting it does sound like he knew he had done something wrong and that it isn't something he has done before so it might be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt - though holding off on getting married seems sensible.

I'm afraid only you can really say if you will be able to move past this 100% as if you can't then the relationship is unlikely to survive long term.

Can you go and stay with family for a few days just you and your daughter maybe a bit of space will give you your answer one way or the other.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

Bluejay
I don't think he has done it before, as he has never behaved like that before. I'm going to my mum's tomorrow to give me some space to think.

I want to forgive him, but I really don't know if I can. And if I can't trust him it will never work. A bit of space will hopefully help because I cant even look at him properly at the minute.