Advice for abusive man

[SoShinySoChrome]

I’m changing some details so as not to be identifiable.

I know a young man aged 22 who has 2 young children with a woman his age.

I know him through, let’s say working together and sharing a cigarette.

He has just said they have separated and he’s not allowed there by the police because he put his hands round her throat. On another occasion he threw a cold drink on her.

He says ‘she makes me angry sometimes and I can’t control myself’ and that if he found out she had started seeing anyone ‘he couldn’t be held responsible for his actions.’

He said he will start anger management in September (there are low cost student therapists).

I’ve said it’s never acceptable to put your hands on someone, and then he said ‘I can’t help it’. I said how come you don’t throw drinks at cunty customers. So you can control it when you want.

I’ve never seen you strangle the manager who is a prick. I’ve said that is domestic violence. He talks about killing himself if they can’t be together, he will never love anyone else etc.

I’m out of my depth here.

He doesn’t want to call Samaritans or anyone like that.

I was shocked by the incidents because he seems like a lovely young man and I would never imagine him committing dc. I’ve never met his partner and she now lives with her parents.

What can I do here?

My ex was abusive. I "made him angry" and he "couldn't help it" either. People thought he was "a lovely bloke", too, with the exception of my friends, whose spidey senses are apparently more developed than my own and to whom I shall be forever grateful. He made my life a living hell and I only got away from him eventually by going abroad to study, which meant he could no longer harass me, other than via social media. 9 months after I told him we were done he eventually stopped alternately trying to wheedle his way back into my life or sending me abusive messages after I had blocked him multiple times on everything I could. Throughout it all he played the victim card, I had cheated on him (I hadn't) I was the bad person, I was unstable (I wasn't, am not and never have been) to the point where I had friends and family of his threatening me and bad mouthing me because I had supposedly cheated on him (he slept with other women throughout our relationship). He destroyed my confidence and it took months for my friendships and relationships with family to recover. Some never have. I feel I got off lightly, he only took a year of my life. He went on to do the same thing to another woman and when she broke up with him and wouldn't take him back he tried to kill himself twice (as he repeatedly threatened to do when I told him we were through). I honestly just wish he had tried a bit harder because then at least he'll never do it to another woman. Not really bothered if that makes me a bad person. He was the worst kind of cunt.

I cannot express to you in strong enough terms that this "man" is not lovely. Please, please, please express that what he has done is unacceptable and then, as others have said, freeze him out. Don't be seen to condone his behaviour. Pathetic creeps like this feed off the perceived approval of others. By continuing to engage with him, despite his telling you how he has behaved, you are justifying his actions in his mind.

Please report his comments to the police.

Strangulation in DV cases is always serious and should never be underestimated.

This is from the report (hopefully) linked below. Page 26.

In total, a sharp instrument was used in 426 cases of femicide; 290 of those cases were domestic intimate partner femicides. Strangulation was the second most common method of killing: it was employed in 233 cases of femicide, 156 of which were committed by a current or former partner. A blunt instrument was used in 130 cases, and kicking or hitting without a weapon was the method of killing in 91 cases of femicide. The most common method of killing used in sexually motivated killings was strangulation/asphyxiation (n=18). Women killed in the course of a robbery or burglary were most likely to be killed by a blunt instrument (n=12); second to that was killing by kicking or hitting etc. without
a weapon (n=9)

www.northwales-pcc.gov.uk/Document-Library/Advice/Femicide-Census-Report-2016.pdf

YY he may well appear "lovely" to you because he does not consider you his property and he is not trying to control you - he interacts with you in a more healthy way. Or possibly in a detached way, assuming you're female, male abusers are often sexist and don't really interact normally with any women, they'll be perfectly polite to your face but occasionally will give away that they don't really recognise you as a person - but will be perfectly pleasant and normal and even nice to their male friends because they recognise that they are independent humans and wouldn't dream of trying to control them in the way they do their partner.

The sad thing is really that abusers do know how to relate to people in a healthy way - they just don't know how to apply that to a relationship. This is also why it's difficult to reconcile the person you know with abusive behaviours.

Reading this thread is making me see more and more things in a different light.

• I’m seeing how he ‘lays on the charm’ to people. He does it to me.

• he is pervy about women in general- I just put it down to young men and hormones. He talks about ‘so and so is gorgeous’ but I’m sure he would not ‘allow’ his ex to say things like that.

• he called his ex ‘cruella’ because ‘she does not allow him to see their dc. He also said she has mental health problems. Painting himself as the victim.

Tomorrow I’ll call 101 when I’m not with the kids.

There's a lot of sense on this thread soshiny, I wish I'd had access to it in my younger days, it would have made me look at things differently too. Stay safe and distance yourself from this man.

Good choice SoShiny.

Reading your OP immediately made me think of the Raoul Moat case a few years ago. Not just him (the man who actually goes on kill could be seen as rare) but the sickeningly widespread support he got on social media, from men with the same beliefs. They all saw a woman he once went out with, who had broken up with him, left and established another relationship, as 'belonging to him' because he hadn't chosen to let her go. (The logical response would be never to associate with any man ever, unless one wants to risk being 'owned' of course).

Strangulation is a known marker for future violence

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/

www.thehotline.org/2016/03/15/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

There is nothing lovely about this person. Please do ring 101 and let them know what he is saying.

I'm glad you've decided to call the police. He doesn't deserve your loyalty, unless you'd stand by while he physically injures his ex and kids, this isn't someone you want as a "friend". If you're willing to go a step further and go to court as well, there's the best possible chance for his ex and kids. How can a jury believe one word over another; he could claim in court that her injuries had another cause etc - you could help.

I'm glad you're calling it in, someone we knew was murdered by her partner after her BF said pretty much the same thing to his mate down the pub, went home and strangled her leaving her 2 sons without a mum.
These kinds of comments aren't always hot air sadly.

Your statement may be the evidence she requires to keep her and the children safe from him.

The fact he thinks it is acceptable to tell you he strangled her and if she meets someone he doesn’t know what he would do, is scary. He thinks his actions are justified and acceptable.

Anger management my arse! Abusive arsehole more like. You were totally correct in asking why he isn’t aggressive to the boss at work. He can totally control his anger.

And the my ex is mental and won’t let me see the kids always makes me wonder if the person spouting the line is abusive. It’s an abusive mans favourite line of self pity.

Just checked for an update op, so glad you are going to log his comments with the police..

Just to say, maybe his ex won't let him see the kids BECAUSE he is violent and dangerous.

And the my ex is mental and won’t let me see the kids always makes me wonder if the person spouting the line is abusive. It’s an abusive mans favourite line of self pity.

I was talking to a friend last night whose partner has been abusing her. Guess what line he had about his ex wife when they first started seeing each other...?

Well done OP. Good luck with reporting. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

He wants either for you to agree with him and make him feel better about it, or to get his version out there before the truth comes out.

Good for you.

And, thank you. I'd tell my HR department too, this is really serious. A good friend of mine was strangled by her bastard partner. He no longer lives with her, but, she hasn't yet gone to the police. It's attempted murder.

I would call 101 and explain what he has said to them. They will ask for his name and maybe hers (if you know it). I’m sure he’s been running his mouth in a similar way to various other people (he seems like the type) so probably won’t know it’s come from you. Stay away from him from there on out, he isn’t lovely at all. His ex needs protecting and hopefully if the police know he has been making threats, they can offer her that.

I spent 40 minutes on hold with 101. They said I’d done the right thing. I feel like a snake in the grass but I wouldn’t want violence against a young woman and even the baby on my conscience.

I think there’s something wrong with him because he was even telling the cleaner how ‘she broke my heart and I can’t see my baby’.

I.e. someone we see for a few minutes a day. Not that there is a problem with talking to someone who cleans.

@SoShinySoChrome definitely the right thing to do, please try not to feel guilty, you've potentially really helped his ex.

Telling their sob story to anyone and everyone sounds about right. My ex did too. With him it was all about validating his own sense of righteousness and cementing himself as the victim in the scenario. He wanted to feel like everyone was on "his side" so he'd tell anyone who listened, customers at the pub he worked at, shop assistants, friends of friends, women he was trying to chat up. Anyone really. It validated his behaviour in his mind and painted me firmly as the wrong doer.

I hate that expression ‘not your monkeys, not your circus’ or whatever the fuck
it is, I wish more people paid attention when there are shit things going on. Neighbours who are interviewed on TV looking shocked when a woman or child had been beaten or killed, they say inane things like ‘we thought we heard screaming a few days ago’ well why the fuck didn’t you do something? I wonder why neighbours of Baby P and all the hundreds of other innocent victims of abuse were ignorant enough not to listen to what they could obviously hear, a child or woman being abused makes sounds, loud sounds, and yet so many people choose to ignore

User - it took a lot for me to call.

I’m worried the police can trace who I am then if my name is connected to a case him or his friends/family could try to make my life difficult.

Scared that maybe I’m ruining an innocent man’s life over ‘throwaway comments’. ( I know his life won’t be ‘ruined’. I know that normal people don’t say shit like that, but I’ve never had to be involved with the police before and there’s some anxiety.’

If I were someone e.g. doing some cash in hand work, I’d be scared of sticking my head above the parapet and getting The Man involved in my business.

However, if the worst case scenario played out I could not have on my conscience that I kept silent.

The information may help in some way.

All I’m saying is I understand why some people do keep silent, even though I don’t agree.

You did the right thing. Well done.

Put out the cig in his eye

Haven't read the full thread. Is this your son OP ?

No single, just a casual acquaintance.