Advice for abusive man

[SoShinySoChrome]

I’m changing some details so as not to be identifiable.

I know a young man aged 22 who has 2 young children with a woman his age.

I know him through, let’s say working together and sharing a cigarette.

He has just said they have separated and he’s not allowed there by the police because he put his hands round her throat. On another occasion he threw a cold drink on her.

He says ‘she makes me angry sometimes and I can’t control myself’ and that if he found out she had started seeing anyone ‘he couldn’t be held responsible for his actions.’

He said he will start anger management in September (there are low cost student therapists).

I’ve said it’s never acceptable to put your hands on someone, and then he said ‘I can’t help it’. I said how come you don’t throw drinks at cunty customers. So you can control it when you want.

I’ve never seen you strangle the manager who is a prick. I’ve said that is domestic violence. He talks about killing himself if they can’t be together, he will never love anyone else etc.

I’m out of my depth here.

He doesn’t want to call Samaritans or anyone like that.

I was shocked by the incidents because he seems like a lovely young man and I would never imagine him committing dc. I’ve never met his partner and she now lives with her parents.

What can I do here?

That's really interesting and clear Bertie.

He probably did more than just put his hands on her throat

This 100%. This is probably 10% of what he's actually done.

I feel reporting his comments to the police is going too far but on the other hand I don’t want to be full of regret if something happens.

He has stuck to most if not all of the abuser myths scripts as cited in the book ‘why does he do that’.
And you were right to point out to him that he can control himself as he does not act on his anger with testy customers. Arsehole.

He'll kill her before he ever kills himself, the abusive prick.
That's one of the most overused lines of woman-beaters.

honestly, I sometimes wish guys like this would kill themselves, then that would make the lives of so many women far safer.

Anger management is not appropriate for relationship abusers because their problems are not about anger, but about control.

This. There are interventions that would be suitable, but anger management is not one of them- this sort of thing is what he needs.

He will be misleading you and attempting to manipulate you, even if he's not fully conscious of that. Stay away.

I'd actually try and contact the ex and let her know what he said.

As for thinking he's lovely, he probably is to you. My ex husband was too and women loved him and a friend once told me she wanted my life.

Behind closed doors, different character!

Fuck him.

If he does top himself (which they usually don't unless they murder her and/or the kids first) it's no loss and could only make the world a slightly safer place.

I don't care if it's heartless. Any sympathy I have is fully reserved for his ex and the children he terrorised. But yes, mention it to the police that he has suggested he will harm his ex if she has a new relationship.

Those kind of men are trash. They are worthless. Frankly, if he cannot change, ge should go ahead and kill himself. At least this way his only victim is himself. Because he is right now a potential murderer that could get out of jail in 10 years and ruin the life of many other women and children.

respect.uk.net/

Tell him to call Respect. They have a helpline for perpetrators of domestic violence.

What's your line of Work? That sort of behaviour would mean being struck off in mine - should he even be working with you and other women?

He's dangerous.

The advice I'd give him is to fuck off. You're absolutely spot on about him being able to control it. He's not angry. He doesn't need anger management- he already chooses exactly when and how to manage his behaviour.

I facilitate the Freedom Programme. I have no time for his bolloxology.

Wow. If he genuinely is remorseful and wants to change his words would be a lot different. I think some people can change for the better but not before totally accepting all responsibility for all their actions (none of this "She makes me angry" shit) and having a shit load of behaviour altering counselling. And even then, many cannot be helped.

Needs intensive specialist therapy examining his own background and norms he may have absorbed from family, media and elsewhere, and a willingness to accept new ways of thinking and behaving and keep at it long term. Not everyone has the insight and plasticity to be able to change substantially, and public sector provision might not be long enough regardless unfortunately.

It's considered a promising age for therapy, before 25 or so, uue to brain development, so at least he has been referred young rather than at age 50 when it's even more ingrained.

Aside from contextualising the behaviour as something that used to be commoner in the past and that some people grew up around, but is no longer acceptable, as can be seen in laws (which might prod him into thinking about the background, but don't go on about it like a broken record), and more regularly, do what you can to model and mention decent behaviour, there is a limited amount an acquaintance can do. It is not worth wringing yourself out for as he may not necessarily have that much capacity to change. If he starts making threats about doing something to his ex again you may need to report him.

I feel reporting his comments to the police is going too far

It isn't. He's made a threat, a threat that given the context is most likely to be serious physical violence or worse. Like others have said, hands around the throats is an indication that he could go on to kill her. There is no reason at all to assume this is an empty threat. There is every reason to assume that he is telling you he'll try and kill her. Report it to the police and then do as a previous poster suggested and shun him completely. Don't associate with him or listen to his lies. And keep yourself safe because he may well try to physically hurt you as well once you "reject" him.

If he's talking about doing more stuff, not just about what he did before the police barred him from contacting her. There are cases (read about a couple earlier this year) where friends and relatives thought guys like this were just being ridiculous when they talked about wanting to attack their ex imminently, told them to grow up/shut up, but the guys went ahead and did it. And the cases ended up in the papers because they murdered them.

Bertiebetts has it right. And well done OP for pointing out to him that he easily controls himself in circumstances where there isn't an available vulnerable young woman to abuse where nobody else can see what's happening. I am very cynical about people like this saying they want to change and suspect his motives as being to get you 'on side' for whatever reason. Dont become involved in his mess.

He is manipulating you into feeling sorry for him. And it's worked.

He is an ABUSER. And you have fallen for his bullshit.

Step away and do not get involved. If he threatens suicide, let the police know.

He doesn’t want to call Samaritans or anyone like that.

No, because that would mean taking some responsibility for his actions.

Honestly, just leave him to it! This is bullshit.

I feel reporting his comments to the police is going too far but on the other hand I don’t want to be full of regret if something happens.

It's not going too far. Let the police decide that. You have a chance to report the shit. He is dangerous

Op please, please report him annoymously, think how you will feel if he kills her...and yes sadly this happens.

Report his comments to the police.

He won’t change because he doesn’t feel as though he has to
“She makes me so angry” is pinning the blame of him strangling her onto her. He is still abusive.

I don’t personally think there is a way back to a relationship once there has been violence as you will usually find that the old routine creeps back in

another vote for reporting his comments to the police.

If he gives you the opportunity look him square in the eye and tell him he's a scumbag and you see right through his bullshit, that you don't associate with violent abusers, then never speak to him again.

This person has learned somewhere in his life that it is ok to be violent/controlling to someone weaker than yourself. Unfortunately, the default position is to hurl abuse at the abuser which isn't particularly helpful. It is true women ( it is mostly women victims, although there are men)need protecting from these men who, like most bullies will choose targets. We may never know how this young man was brought up, which I suspect is often an issue, but he needs to learn that blaming someone else for his violence perpetuates the problem. He needs counselling, not for anger, but for his attitude to women in his life. A specialist area. You cannot help him but it is good that if he discloses you emphasise the unacceptability of trying to control someone through violence. If he attacks anyone through jealousy then yes he can and is held responsible. This sort of jealousy is about power and ownership and is a major problem in our society. Posts hurling abuse achieve nothing. The only plus in all this is he is admitting somethings although not taking responsibility for his actions