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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends not helping herself

47 replies

Nicpem1982 · 25/07/2018 20:47

My friend is a sahm and has 2 dcs.

Her dh works shifts and often the leg work falls to her.

He dd (3) is terribly shy and takes time to get to know people but once she does she's very bubbly and loves to have fun and play.

There's a group of mums at the nursery who are a good bunch there's regular meetings in the park, nature walks and birthday gatherings etc and me and my friend are always invited.

We met at the start of the week and friend left abruptly after less than an hour just got up and went everyone was Confused

There's a meet up this week where we're meeting in the local park having a picnic and letting the dcs play. Friend was going up until tonight now she's sent a message saying she's not going anymore no reason given.

She constantly moans she has no friends who can make mutual arrangements with her and spend time with dcs together, I do things with her on a small scale but I work so am not around much.

One mum has commented in the group that she's declined everything this year and joked that maybe she just doesn't want to come and we should stop asking her.

I can't help thinking she's not doing herself any favours and should make the effort to build a social network, the children from this nursery go to 2 schools in the local area so her dcs will be with at least 50% of them will be in her class in primary

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 25/07/2018 20:52

I know it's frowned upon on Mumsnet to suggest it but I'm guessing either social anxiety or autism, mainly because I can see me (autism & SA) doing the same. It can be really difficult trying to summon up the nerve to make excuses and leave when it all gets a bit much, and so much easier to leave quietly. I hate to think how much I've been judged over the years by people who haven't got a clue how difficult life can be.

YearOfYouRemember · 25/07/2018 20:53

Of course someone who wants friends would avoid them

She's clearly got something going on. Hopefully she'll meet some sympathetic people soon.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/07/2018 20:57

We've been friends since dds were babies and going out has never been an issue we regularly do days out as part of a bigger group or just us 2 with dcs she just seems to be cancelling on the school mums

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 25/07/2018 21:02

Apologies in advance if i put my foot in it...i find it hard to say the right thing around social anxiety. However, it might just be that she is OK with one or two people, and finds a larger group too overwhelming.

Nikephorus · 25/07/2018 21:05

However, it might just be that she is OK with one or two people, and finds a larger group too overwhelming.
Totally. The more people there are, the more I struggle and the less I talk. More than one is hard work!

Gigis · 25/07/2018 21:05

Maybe there's one or more in that group who make her uncomfortable and she just has decided that they're not her sort of people? Did someone say something to offend her, even if by accident?
I can be a bit like this sometimes (Not leaving abruptly but turning down invites) if I don't click with a few in a big group. I'd rather meet the ones I do like one to one, maybe she's the same?

Tutlefru · 25/07/2018 21:05

Maybe she struggles in larger groups?

Maybe she's not overly keen on the mums?

I decline sometimes. Some people have to have something planned all the time and it gets tiresome. especially when their kids are little shits and they don't pull them up on it

Sometimes it's just nice being at home. Grin

Mammalamb · 25/07/2018 21:07

You sound a bit judgy OP! I suspect that she (correctly) thinks that all the other mums are talking about her.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/07/2018 21:07

Perhaps I'm being U

She's never shown any social issues before we've in the past been out with a number of other family groups on days out

I suppose some times you just don't know

OP posts:
Moominfan · 25/07/2018 21:09

Maybe ask her?

Oldaintallthat · 25/07/2018 21:09

How long has she known your other group OP?

Moominfan · 25/07/2018 21:09

I hate big groups and have been known to do back door boogies

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/07/2018 21:10

Old-18 months ish

OP posts:
MeanTangerine · 25/07/2018 21:11

Has anyone asked her if she's OK?

WonderTweek · 25/07/2018 21:15

That sounds a bit like me and I have anxiety and I’m particularly bad with social situations. But at least I make an excuse for any last minute cancellations. Grin I cancelled loads of mummy meet ups when my son was a baby but have actually been going to some things recently. My mummies group is really nice and supportive and it’s lovely to know that I can turn up if I want to and that there’s no pressure.

Maybe just keep asking her as she may come one day. Cake

LagunaBubbles · 25/07/2018 21:15

I don't have social anxiety but meeting like this with a group of Mums is my worst nightmare socially, much rather smaller groups of people, especially ones I actually enjoy their company and not just meeting because we are Mums.

ladymariner · 25/07/2018 21:15

I would ask her if she's ok, as you two are obviously friends. Maybe she can't do big groups, maybe she's worried about something, either way you won't know till you ask.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/07/2018 21:15

Yes I speak to her on a daily basis and see her most days, I look after her dcs when she's got appointments etc

I know her well and have not ever seen any inkling of social issues, we've been to each others parents (ils) in my case for dinner

When we're struggling we talk and sort it between us and help each other out. Her behaviour with this is confusing

OP posts:
HaveSomeGrace · 25/07/2018 21:16

I was thinking maybe a social anxiety sort of thing. Sounds like some pp can relate to this; I know I can. I prefer one-to-one with my friend rather than sit in a group. I just feel more comfortable. But there’s also a chance your friend could have some “behind the scenes” stuff going on so I think you need to talk to her as it sounds (from what you’ve written) that she potentially trusts you most.

Oldaintallthat · 25/07/2018 21:20

Have you asked her why she left so suddenly? If it was my friend I would have followed it up rather than being left Confused

hotcrossapple · 25/07/2018 21:21

You need to ask her - could be that you are her comfort person and when you aren’t there she struggles to go. You shouldn’t feel responsible for that but you say the dd takes time to warm up and the mum inexplicably cancels and if wood fit that she’s got some social anxiety.

Some days I can tackle hard things, and days when I’m tired or the dc are behaving badly j just can’t.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/07/2018 21:22

I have her dcs on Friday well have cake and a chat when she comes to get them and before her dh comes back from work (they're here for dinner) so he's coming here ill try and find out if there is an underlying problem

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 25/07/2018 21:23

Old - I did she didn't say anything just that she was done with the park it's was odd

OP posts:
MeltingSnowflake · 25/07/2018 21:28

Is she usually quite introverted? I'm an introvert and find group gatherings can really exhaust me. It's worth it if I like everyone in the group, but if there are some who are really loud or I don't get on with it's just not worth it the energy drain!

MayFayner · 25/07/2018 21:29

One mum has commented in the group that she's declined everything this year and joked that maybe she just doesn't want to come and we should stop asking her.

But she hasn’t declined everything has she? She came to the park, even though she left early.

Don’t leave her out of the future meet-ups. I would keep an eye on this mum who “jokingly” suggested ditching her too. She may not be the nicest person in the world.