To think my friends not helping herself

[Nicpem1982]

My friend is a sahm and has 2 dcs.

Her dh works shifts and often the leg work falls to her.

He dd (3) is terribly shy and takes time to get to know people but once she does she's very bubbly and loves to have fun and play.

There's a group of mums at the nursery who are a good bunch there's regular meetings in the park, nature walks and birthday gatherings etc and me and my friend are always invited.

We met at the start of the week and friend left abruptly after less than an hour just got up and went everyone was

There's a meet up this week where we're meeting in the local park having a picnic and letting the dcs play. Friend was going up until tonight now she's sent a message saying she's not going anymore no reason given.

She constantly moans she has no friends who can make mutual arrangements with her and spend time with dcs together, I do things with her on a small scale but I work so am not around much.

One mum has commented in the group that she's declined everything this year and joked that maybe she just doesn't want to come and we should stop asking her.

I can't help thinking she's not doing herself any favours and should make the effort to build a social network, the children from this nursery go to 2 schools in the local area so her dcs will be with at least 50% of them will be in her class in primary

Melting - nope she's not usually introverted

It could be social anxiety. Does she talk much when she is actually there?

Some people though like to moan for the sake of moaning. They like to have something to complain about. Dunno why. Does she complain a lot about a lot of things?

It seems weird that you're good friends but can't have a frank conversation? If it was my good friend and they left abruptly and then fobbed me off saying "I was done with the park" I'd be calling bullshit and saying what's going on with you? (In a kind a supportive way but you get the gist)

I won't leave her out she's my friend and has been before the school moms showed up.

I just think that she should try and build a network with the other moms as their situations are the same and it could be mutually beneficial, she is more than happy to spend time talking with them and turns up early at the school gates to do so

You--I'm seeing her Friday so will talk then to her face to face

So if its unlikely to be anxiety (my first thought).

I think she's getting a feeling there's something 'off' with this group and she's giving it a wide berth. I think we are too.

I'm guessing she may not like the dynamic of the group. I can sometimes be put off a group which has one or two big personalities, or becomes a bit competitive, even if I like the individuals in the group.

I agree with the PP who suggested that the mum who "jokingly" drew attention to your friend leaving might be worth keeping an eye on.

She sounds like me. I can come across as quite chatty, but really I am an introvert plagued by social anxiety. Trusted friends almost always get a yes, but school run mums and big meet ups normally get a no. A mum in DD2's reception class is

Doh, posted too soon

Clearly a bit of a queen bee and had organised meet ups for each week of the summer hols. I will avoid them like the plague and will probably get some stick for it.

Also I though maybe she's not that bothered about having a network of mums just because they might send their children to the same school. You say she's happy to chat at the gate - perhaps that's as much networking she feels the need for; being cordial and polite whilst she waits for kids but not so close that she goes for a drink with them? Perfectly reasonable in my opinion!

Gigis- and that's absolutely fine, but then she can't complain she has no mom friends to trade mutually beneficial arrangements with!

Ah yes, forgot you said she had done that!

Perhaps she prefers just to see one person than going out with a group. But it was a bit rude of her to just leave abruptly. Just because a person doesn't enjoy going to the park with a large group this doesn't mean they have underlying problems or that something is wrong.

I wonder if she has anxiety. I get like this, panic and walk off. Or make shit excuses and not turn up. Keep inviting her.

Has she got some health issues? Like suddenly needing the loo or feeling sick etc.

Maybe she just doesn't like the other mums and doesn't want to be their friends. Wanting friendship doesn't mean you have to like everyone.

Could she be depressed? I leftvour work Xmas party without telling anyone when I was suffering as I genuinely thought no one would notice I’d gone or be bothered if they did.

I’d have done anything to get out of social events in the first place too

But you are acting as though ‘friends’ are generic, and it’s them or nothing — maybe she feels isolated but just doesn’t like this particular bunch of people?

I'd gently ask if she has social anxiety/phobia OP. If she does, maybe suggest counselling and be supportive. I have social anxiety. Two or three people I can manage but feel v stressed. Groups, I feel panicky, intimidated, overwhelmed & come out in a stress rash all over my neck/chest. I will do anything to avoid group stuff. I put it down to being bullied.

I really struggle with the school mum's and things like this

A : I come across as a bit odd and that often impacts people's view of me which makes me uncomfortable...its not that it's really obvious but if I feel that I've come across a bit off to people I then start to avoid them

And B : honestly it's exactly your response OP that makes me avoid gathering like that....your constantly under the microscope , how often you turn up and what you do is noticed and commented on , as you say you are going to "have a word" I would entieely hate that. Unless I had specifically asked you for help I would feel as if I couldn't move or not move without it being commented on

As a previous pp mentioned I find it hard with people who always have something planned or it's a meet up or coffee every two seconds

Possibly she just wants to take a step back

I echo what gettingback says. Feeling that everyone is watching what you are doing and commenting on it is very unpleasant.

When I just had my son, a close friend started making comments to various mutual acquaintances that I was struggling and anxious. Of course, that led them to “keep an eye” out for me and feed back to her any issues (I am very clumsy and struggle to use car seats for example). It was such a horrible feeling having randoms feel sorry for me. For the record I was not struggling. This completely destroyed our friendship as I felt completely undermined.

yes getting is right, if I get the sense someone thinks i'm a bit odd, I try my very best to avoid them, which doubtless makes me look even more odd!