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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pay for petrol with the joint account?

75 replies

silver940 · 25/07/2018 20:10

DP doesn't drive - he could never be bothered to put the work and effort in, basically. I however, knew one of us needed to, so I put the effort in and passed my test, paying for all the lessons myself, obviously.

I bought a car, paid for the insurance, tax, breakdown cover and general maintenance. BUT I pay for petrol (roughly £60 a month) out of the joint account. We both put money in the joint account for bills and rent, and have separate accounts for other expenses. There is always quite a bit of money left so I pay for petrol using this.

Up to now it hasn't been a problem, but now DP is complaining. He says I should use my own money to pay for petrol, as I use my car to drive to work. This is true, but I also give him lifts here and there, drive to the big supermarket once a week (about 5 miles away) for the big weekly shop, and drive to his parents house once a month (30 odd miles away). The way I see it, he's benefitting from me being the driver (whereas he doesn't drive), but doesn't have to actually pay for the car, insurance etc etc. I pay for all those things.

AIBU to think what I do is fair? I should also add, he makes about triple what I do, and we both put set amounts in the joint account. After we've put this money in, I have about £500 to spend on myself/essentials/savings whereas he has about £1500, sometimes more. He has to pay for his train fare (£150 out of this), but he still has significantly more cash.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 25/07/2018 21:18

Simple answer, he doesn’t get in the car, ever. Tough shit. He’s being a twat.

WaxOnFeckOff · 25/07/2018 21:18

Seriously! Maybe just charge him market rates for lifts and tell him to do the big shop every 2nd week and see how he gets on with that.

Where do all these folk come from? My DH pays his wages into the joint account as do I. he pays himself £25 a month pocket money and then asks if we have money before he buys anything from the joint account.

As long as all our bills are covered, he couldn't give a toss what I spend the rest of the money on.

thecatsthecats · 25/07/2018 21:29

We're in a similar situation car wise - only driver, only car, except I don't even commute in it anymore.

I pay for our petrol out of the joint account, and fiance buys my soft drinks for anywhere I drive him to and can't drink.

Fiance grumbled a bit when I first filled up the tank fully for a long journey that should ahve been half a tank. I pointed out that the rest of it would be used up in lifts for him! He was welcome to forfeit the lifts if I pay for petrol.

He agreed to split petrol Grin

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/07/2018 21:30

I wouldn't take the money however I would only shop for me. I wouldn't be giving him lifts, let him pay for a taxi. And I would be driving to his family alone. Let him workout how to get there under his own steam.

After a month I bet he has spent more than £60

catherinedevalois · 25/07/2018 21:31

If you are rural how does he get to and from the station?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/07/2018 21:35

It sounds like you have far more disposable income than us, but far more stress about it. It shouldn't be this hard to agree over something so trivial. It sounds like your relationship is becoming competitive over who contributes most and who benefits from that, and that's never a good sign.

Until recently, my husband was the only driver in our household. I paid for his car, insurance, maintenance and about half the time for his petrol. Because it doesn't matter who pays, so long as the car has petrol. I benefitted for all the reasons stated upthread and also from knowing that if me or the kids had some sort of emergency, there was fuel in the car so my husband could get us to help (an ambulance takes at least a couple of hours here).

Now I can drive too, the car costs are paid by whoever has the most cash at the time. I'm hoping to afford a new car soon but it will be shared and not just "mine", because we share what we have and it won't matter who drives the nicer car, so long as we can both go to the places we need to be.

In your position, I think I might start paying for the petrol myself, but also withdrawing from the relationship a bit. I'd wonder if I was going to become an unnecessary expense too, and suspect that he wasn't in the relationship for the long haul. I certainly wouldn't want to have babies with a man like this.

starsandstuff · 25/07/2018 21:36

Tell him you'll be taking the money for petrol out of your joint account until he learns to drive, after which you'll both split the costs of your own cars. Totally his choice when that happens. But it's not about the money, it's about him being mean-spirited and a lazy arse. Good luck with him.

Thebluedog · 25/07/2018 21:42

The going rate for using your car for business is 0.42p per mile. Start charging him that when he needs a lift anywhere and make him pay half that when you go grocery shopping. The 42p per mile covers the fuel, insurance, tax and general maintenance on a car.

donquixotedelamancha · 25/07/2018 21:59

DP doesn't drive I also give him lifts

'Lifts' are when you are going the same way as someone and (if it's a regular thing) they contribute to petrol. What you provide is a free taxi service.

He says I should use my own money to pay for petrol

After we've put this money in, I have about £500 to spend on myself/essentials/savings whereas he has about £1500, sometimes more.

On mumsnet 'DP' stands for 'darling partner'. I'm not sure what you two have going on here, but 'partner' is not the right word for it.

Oysterbabe · 25/07/2018 22:08

I don't drive. All car related expenses come out of the joint account, which I think is fair enough as we both benefit from having the car even if he's the only one who drives it.

heatwaveisnofunwhenpregnant · 25/07/2018 22:14

Wow. He sounds like an arse.
Does £60 get you through the month or do you have to spend more? I only drive locally and spend £80 every two weeks, so you should tell him he's getting off very lightly!!

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 25/07/2018 22:17

Hope he likes organising taxis, waiting for taxis, paying for taxis meeting you at venues getting a cab home !

Burrumpeel · 25/07/2018 22:34

Lord he's hard work. If I were you I'd pay for my petrol from my own account and he'd be walking everywhere and if he doesn't like grocery deliveries (why not FFS?) - tough.

Burrumpeel · 25/07/2018 22:36

His reasons for disliking gricery deliveries (now I've read all the thread) are shit too.

FASH84 · 25/07/2018 22:39

We both have cars and run them out of individual accounts not the joint one, but othetwisev we'd pay for both from the joint account and both have to put more money in to cover the extra so it doesn't really make a difference. Your situation is different, you're the only driver and it's used for family purpose, so it should be jointly funded, or pay for it yourself and tell him to get the bus to the supermarket to do the shopping, no more lifts ever and he can get to his parents' by public transport. He's sounds like a selfish idiot

Giraffesandllamas · 25/07/2018 23:07

no wonder people get divorced.

crimsonlake · 26/07/2018 00:14

I would be packing his bags, don't offer him a lift order him a taxi.

Thursdaydreaming · 26/07/2018 01:12

I would say to be fair, his train fares could be paid from joint account. As well as all car costs including servicing, insurance, repairs, etc.

user7680 · 26/07/2018 01:36

What a mean stingy selfish idiot

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/07/2018 01:44

The car is a shared expense. The car, MOT, insurance etc. should all come out of the joint account. You should pay for the petrol (and maybe a little in mileage) you need for your commute. The rest of the petrol should be a joint expense.

Don't have children with this man.

Heratnumber7 · 26/07/2018 07:28

I will never understand why some couples have completely separate finances.
You are both working for the good of the family unit, even if that's just two of you.
Pool everything, share everything. Why wouldn't you?

Alternatively, sell the car, so that you need to give up work because you can't get there. Then DH/P will understand how much "your" car benefits you both.

FinallyHere · 26/07/2018 07:58

we both put set amounts in the joint account.

It makes more sense to me, to contribute to the joint account in proportion to your net income. I bet it was his idea that you each contribute the same amount ... and that you give him lifts for free.

He sounds quite the prize, would you want to have children with such a person?

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/07/2018 08:02

I will never understand why some couples have completely separate finances.

There's more than one way to skin a cat and the important thing in a relationship is fairness, especially financially. My wife and I have completely seperate accounts. However, she has full visibility of my income (I'm the primary earner) and all my account statements. I also ensure that we have equal disposable income and what she spends hers on is entirely up to her. That last bit is really important to me and is, I think, the biggest issue in the OP's situation. For him to have £1000+ discretionary spending money a month more than her is not the basis for a fair partnership, married or not, seperate accounts or not.

PhoebefromFriends · 26/07/2018 08:23

Why are you together? I don't think petrol money is your biggest issue.

Loopy9 · 26/07/2018 08:30

Your DH would hate me.. I use the joint account money to get my hair done..... I see it (jokingly) as maintenance Grin and DH just rolls his eyes

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