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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to pay for petrol with the joint account?

75 replies

silver940 · 25/07/2018 20:10

DP doesn't drive - he could never be bothered to put the work and effort in, basically. I however, knew one of us needed to, so I put the effort in and passed my test, paying for all the lessons myself, obviously.

I bought a car, paid for the insurance, tax, breakdown cover and general maintenance. BUT I pay for petrol (roughly £60 a month) out of the joint account. We both put money in the joint account for bills and rent, and have separate accounts for other expenses. There is always quite a bit of money left so I pay for petrol using this.

Up to now it hasn't been a problem, but now DP is complaining. He says I should use my own money to pay for petrol, as I use my car to drive to work. This is true, but I also give him lifts here and there, drive to the big supermarket once a week (about 5 miles away) for the big weekly shop, and drive to his parents house once a month (30 odd miles away). The way I see it, he's benefitting from me being the driver (whereas he doesn't drive), but doesn't have to actually pay for the car, insurance etc etc. I pay for all those things.

AIBU to think what I do is fair? I should also add, he makes about triple what I do, and we both put set amounts in the joint account. After we've put this money in, I have about £500 to spend on myself/essentials/savings whereas he has about £1500, sometimes more. He has to pay for his train fare (£150 out of this), but he still has significantly more cash.

OP posts:

BottleOfJameson · 25/07/2018 20:39

YABU I think he's right he shouldn't have to contribute a penny towards the car. I also think that doing the weekly shop should become his job and if he wants a lift anywhere you can charge him the same rate a taxi would and take it out of the joint account - maybe give him a 10% discount for the long trips to his mum's - he is your loving boyfriend after all.

YearOfYouRemember · 25/07/2018 20:40

They aren't married.

CaledonianSleeper · 25/07/2018 20:40

PPs are completely correct, this isn’t about money. It’s about him being an absolute arse. Relationships work on the basis of give and take, not keeping score and splitting things in perfect percentages. He’s an arse.

Popc0rn · 25/07/2018 20:44

30 quid a month is cheap for a personal taxi/shopping service in my opinion.

YANBU to split the petrol costs, I would say maybe split it 70/30 instead of 50/50, BUT, you bought the car, insured it, taxed it, MOT'd it with your own money, so maybe 50/50 petrol wise is fair seeing as he benefits from it too.

Is it less about the actual money, more cos you started paying for petrol out the joint account without asking him?

mummmy2017 · 25/07/2018 20:45

40p a mile, tell him your taking expenses for other than work.

Shitonthebloodything · 25/07/2018 20:47

I suspect if you have children together you'll be back posting about how he's financially abusing you within a year. He has 3 X as much disposable income as you so you're living different lifestyles pretty much and he's still got the cheek to question an expense he benefits from. The future looks bleak with this man, he's telling you what he's like I think you should listen.

crimsonlake · 25/07/2018 20:48

I cannot believe that he earns 3 x times you and is quibbling over the petrol money you pay for out of the joint account. I hate mean people and could not put up with or live with one. Stop giving him lifts anywhere for a start...

Notjustaname · 25/07/2018 20:50

I find this tit for tat type attitude really odd. Of course he benefits from you having a car, I'm learning to drive but I fully recognise that having a car helps both of us so DH and I pay for all car stuff together. I wouldn't dream of making him pay for it all just because I don't physically drive the car, but likewise he wouldn't blink at me paying for my transport costs with our money either. I do often pay for my bus and train fares from my own account but in that way I do agree with you OP, the car benefits both parties.

Pittcuecothecookbook · 25/07/2018 20:52

I don't drive, my husband does. All car related payments from the joint as it's the family car. He uses it for work but also for driving me and our daughter around so seems far (I pay my season ticket to work from joint too, but other public transport for other reasons from personal account, just for the full picture).

HermioneGoesBackHome · 25/07/2018 20:53

I would tell him yes that’s fine but then I am also

stopping to give you lifts anywhere
stoping doing the shopping with my car (assume it means been delivered?)
stopping taking him to his parents etc (maybe he should take a taxi instead?)

Because you are not going to be the taxi driver for him, to make HIS life easier and actually pay for the privilege in the top of it.

GnotherGnu · 25/07/2018 20:53

So you take your commuting costs but he doesn't?

No, because commuting costs are more than petrol costs - they include insurance, tax, servicing, MOTs, and depreciation. Also what OP does take is offset by the benefit her husband receives by virtue of everything else that the car gets used for. I would say they more or less balance out.

NotBeforeCoffee · 25/07/2018 20:53

Fuck that!
My DH is the same but we split everything for the car 50/50

Quartz2208 · 25/07/2018 20:54

It shouldnt be that complicated OP

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 25/07/2018 20:55

To be honest, I think I'm on your DPs side.

DP drives, I don't. I commute into London so my travel costs are 4k a year. To visit my family with DS, he usually drives us. He also drives to work and we go to the big supermarket once a week. I think he spends about £2k on his car per year. If he asked me to pay towards his petrol, I think I would be pretty pissed off, particularly as it is his decision to 1. Get a car 2. Drive it.

You could do online shopping
You could ask your DP to travel to his parents using public transport

You don't have to drive him everywhere, that's your choice.

AliTheMinx · 25/07/2018 20:56

You are not being unreasonable. I pay for petrol from our joint account. My husband has actually just bought himself his own car and he will pay for the petrol for this car himself, but I will continue to pay for the petrol for 'my' car (formerly 'our' car) from the joint account, as I use it to ferry our DS around and I do the weekly shop. To my mind, these are essential trips and therefore it's only right the money comes from the joint account. I do all school drop offs and pick ups as my son's school is in the town where I work.

UpstartCrow · 25/07/2018 20:56

he's dead against getting grocery deliveries

Whats his reasoning there?

HollowTalk · 25/07/2018 20:57

I think he sounds selfish, lazy and entitled.

Do you have children together?

RB68 · 25/07/2018 20:58

A few things

On a fairness note he should be paying proportionately more into the pot - you should be left with the same "free spends"

His fare should come out of the central pot for work

The vehicle being used for family purposes - costs should come out of the central pot, petrol, vehicle, insurance, mot etc

If he insists then you make the car unavailable for joint purposes

NoSquirrels · 25/07/2018 21:00

Fucking hell. I didn’t drive for ages, but the family car was bought and paid for (tax, insurance, petrol, repairs) out of family money. As were our other commuting costs regardless of who earned or cost what.

Your joint account is not very “joint” in my opinion. You’re not being a team. Are you together for the long haul or are you flatmates of convenience (most of the convenience accruing to him)?

If he “doesn’t like grocery deliveries”, how does he propose to get the shopping in without your car and chauffeur service? In rural areas, £60 won’t go far on taxis if you stop facilitating it.

I’d either be reminding him if that vociferously or looking to leave for a better set up...

Hushnownobodycares · 25/07/2018 21:04

If he's griping about £60 a month it's time for him to start paying taxi fares for his lifts and jaunts to his parents. Oh, and the delivery fee for the online supermarket shop he'll devour half of.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 25/07/2018 21:06

Sorry by what a useless prick of a partner you have OP. A mean, mean man who is happy to take but not to share.

How can you live with someone like this? I don't like people like this and he would make my skin crawl. You have one life, why not invest your time with someone who is generous and treats you respectfully.

FrangipaniBlue · 25/07/2018 21:06

If I were you OP I'd start paying for all the car costs myself but he gets no lifts anywhere.

And just go for your own food shop and let him sort himself.

See then how quickly he realises what benefit he gets from you driving!

category12 · 25/07/2018 21:10

What the rest of the relationship like? What's his attitude to money compared to yours?

I'd think about this very carefully before having dc together, especially if you don't intend to get married and do intend to have a long maternity leave/reduce hours. Also before making any big financial commitments.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/07/2018 21:10

I think the cost of the car, the MOT, the petrol, and everything else should come from the joint account - but so should his train fares. That's the only logical thing to do.

It sounds as if you somewhat resent being the designated driver, and I think that is very understandable. So perhaps what's also needed is a conversation about timescales for him learning to drive too.

Original poster

silver940 · 25/07/2018 21:13

@UpstartCrow He thinks grocery deliveries give items with short shelf life dates, he likes to go to the shop and pick the ones with long life etc. He's also an impulse buyer, and usually doesn't know what he wants until he's in the shop

OP posts:

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