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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To still wish ill on this CM years on?

37 replies

Spaider · 25/07/2018 18:52

NC as very outing.

Background: Made contact with a CM when my DD was born so that I could return back to work after mat leave. Also have an older DS, who attends a school CM serves.
CM is fairly new to the whole thing, but seems confident and on contact it turns out that she has availability for the ft care we need for both children. Brilliant. She even offers a discount for the eldest and says that 5-month retainer of £450 can be used for 1/2 days from when we begin payment.
With a newborn in tow, we sign contracts: full-time hours, 5 days a week for the youngest and before-and after-school care for the eldest.

Discount for eldest never materialises. Never mind. Retainer for youngest is 1/2 fees of £450 for 5 months. No payment of bank holidays as per contract and no payment for CM holidays, but retainer if we are on holiday. 6 weeks trial period, during which any party can cancel without notice or reason. Okay. Never had an issue before, confident we'll be fine. We sign and leave, all happy that we have childcare in an area with little availability.

Date we pay the retainer starts and I ask about 1/2 days, with gentle intro. Agreed (grudingly) 1-2 hours weekly, going up to twice a week for 1 hour by the end of the month. Not happy (as not the hours promised), but accepted. No further change made to this, despite numerous times of asking. CM agrees to do a day when I am due to appear at work for an important meeting: I am grateful, but feel like this is deserved after paying out a retainer for what was not (verbally) agreed.

Child collected and turns out bum was bleeding. Queried it and how often DD was changed, CM got defensive, but convinced me everything was fine. Left on a good note.
CM starts requesting that I collect only after giving 30min notice minimum as I turn up before time too frequently and it interrupts routine.

DD develops severe nut allergy and turns out brighter than expected, hitting milestones much earlier than anticipated. CM later says she doesn't believe DD has food allergy as severe as I state.

CM complains DD constantly vomits. I state only vomiting ever done at home is after allergen-containing food and query whether CM is ensuring every crumble from other children is cleaned. CM gets very defensive.

The time arrives for f/t care for both children. CM starts taking every Friday off for some reason or another (illness, fire in a building nearby, own childcare issues etc.). My and DH's jobs being threatened by our employers as a result.
CM requests payment for bank holidays, despite contract stating otherwise.

CM says to DH she doesn't think I trust her and wants to drop us. DH begs her not to, agreed we extend trial period after long talk. All seems well.

CM requests we collect DD (both of us at work - Friday again!) as rash has developed. Rash turns out to be 2 tiny, barely-noticeable spots on chest. CM is fine to my face, but tells DH on the phone she is quitting on us. Left without childcare, jobs already under threat.

CM suggests I quit my job to look after children. CM doesn't understand why I'm working anyway, with small children. CM accuses me of lying about DD's condition and DS's SEN.
Both DD and DS left without childcare. Find new CMs for both children within a few days.

AIBU to wish every evil in the world on this CM, even years later? AIBU to be tempted to write bad reviews everywhere? AIBU to keep hoping Ofsted finally visit this evil witch and make her quit for good?

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 25/07/2018 18:57

How long is it since this happened? For your own stress levels I'd move on. I'd wonder quite honestly why you used her so long when clearly you were not happy with her and esp as your dd appeared in danger.

Seems like it didn't last too long, so put itvdown to bad experience and move on.

Cheerbear23 · 25/07/2018 18:57

It’s sounds shit, but honestly in the nicest way, I think you need to let go.
It seems like a very unusual situation and I don’t like the ‘give 1/2hr notice before collecting’ - errr no ill collect my child when I want thank you very much. That would have been a red flag to me.

AppleKatie · 25/07/2018 18:59

Ok, she was shit.

But how long ago are we talking? I think you need to chill out a bit...

Spaider · 25/07/2018 18:59

About 3 years (first Ofsted due, but late). Lack of choice more than anything. Didn't like her much after experiencing her, but by that time I was back at work and finding alternative childcare was too late.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 25/07/2018 19:00

Agree with cheerb, I thought everyone routinely ensured they picked up early on occasion with no notice to ensure all ok

ConciseandNice · 25/07/2018 19:03

It does sound awful and god knows with 5 kids I have really run the gauntlet with many many childminders, but when any has been less than great, I have given notice and worked something else out. You put up with what was less than adequate for a long time. Have you lodged complaints with the Local authorty and the Care Commission. You must. Also leave a review on childcare.com and any other sites she uses. Other families need to know.

Spaider · 25/07/2018 19:08

I think our biggest issue is that we paid her a retainer of £450 for 5 months (£2,250) for what amounts to 64 hours instead of the 1/2 time (675 hours) promised. We still feel ripped off. But you're probably right to let it go now. It feels unfair, bt we're much better off as a result.

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 25/07/2018 19:09

she sound's awful, I'm a cm, and i know lots of other cm's, none of us would ever work like that, very unprofessional, uncaring and unreliable, I'd still be annoyed ages later too, if it was me in your situation, but you just have to let it go, unless of course writing a few bad reviews/reporting to Ofsted etc will help you do this Grin

CardsforKittens · 25/07/2018 19:11

It sounds very stressful so I'm not surprised you still think about it sometimes, and that you'd be reminded of it whenever stressors around childcare arise. I still bear a grudge against a health visitor who tried to pressure me into giving up breastfeeding - nearly 20 years ago.

But how much of your energy is this CM taking up? How much of your head space does she deserve years later? If you're finding yourself frequently planning revenge, why is it eating away at you? I'm not saying it's unimportant, but sometimes life is more pleasant if we don't give the arseholes too much thought.

So, yes, that was shit, but are you making things harder for yourself by dwelling on it?

littleducks · 25/07/2018 19:12

How stressful. I used a CM and had a rough ride (no where near as bad in comparison but similar issues with money wanting payment for days when contract said no charge.....it was only for school run in morning and cost me a fortuneas it was) and whenever I see her car I get irrationally annoyed years later.

Probably better to let it go for your own peace of mind. Did anyone else have trouble with her?

runningkeenster · 25/07/2018 19:14

I agree you have to let go. We had a similar issue - not with a CM but a football club and still can't quite get over how badly they treated ds. But if we had pursued things we would have just prolonged the annoyance of it all and it would not have had a good impact on our mental health.

You do need to move on and accept that some people are just unreliable.

kittymamma · 25/07/2018 19:15

I thought everyone routinely ensured they picked up early on occasion with no notice to ensure all ok

I thought everyone picked up early in general... I pay till 4pm but often collect at 3:30pm. The 4pm allows me to stop to fill up if need be or to get stuck in traffic. Wait, am I the only one to text my childminder if I believe I will be 2 minutes late?

As for should you be angry, I would have been at the time but so many years down the line, I think it is important you move on. I would not forget it, and if a friend is looking for CM in the area, I would probably say that I wouldn't recommend them. Further to that though, I would move on. You have a better CM now and you don't need to deal with it anymore. We all have those times we feel we were ripped off (Have an ex-bf who owes me a few thousand I will never see again, and got illegally evicted from a house once and ended up homeless another time- day after I paid the months rent). But for your own health, know that you are not alone but move on and try to not let it bother you anymore.

Spaider · 25/07/2018 19:16

ut how much of your energy is this CM taking up? How much of your head space does she deserve years later?

We live quite close, so see each other frequently. She doesn't have many children these days compared to others. She may have got a reputation (I know that others have tried to knock her door down etc.), but that's why she is in my mind a lot.

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 25/07/2018 19:25

Just to reassure parents using cms.... I LOVE it when parents turn up early!! I can’t believe anyone would discourage it. Bonkers.

PowerPantsRule · 25/07/2018 19:27

I completely get it. We had similar with a childminder and I still think about it years later and torture myself about what I should've done differently. I comfort myself with the fact that she was a deeply flawed and generally horrible person and therefore would not be happy in life - karma and all that!

RandomMess · 25/07/2018 19:29

We used a wonderful CM yours does sound awful Thanks

Tabathatwitchett · 25/07/2018 19:33

Honestly, on day one when my baby's bum was bleeding on collection I would have terminated my contract. Berate her all you wish OP but take a bit of responsibility here too. You left your precious baby in a far from adequate situation.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 25/07/2018 19:35

She does sound crap but I think 3 years is a long time to hold onto you anger for.
I suppose you could try to trash her reputation by leaving bad reviews online or reporting her to Ofsted but it seems a bit late for that now and you need to ask yourself, 'would it actually make me feel better?'

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/07/2018 19:37

What is the motivation to review or complain to ofsted? If it will make you feel better and make you feel you’ve done your bit to protect other children by all means do so. However I would be concerned you’ve left it too long and leaving feedback after so long could be misconstrued as a vendetta. I wouldn’t hesitate to complain to ofsted though.

Dh and I were severely ripped off by a lawyer. She didn’t know what she was doing, gave us awful advice and it cost thousands. These things happen sometimes. We had to let it go.

madcatwoman197700 · 25/07/2018 19:38

I totally understand you holding a grudge. I do - about a builder who ripped us off (we lost £6k). But I really try not to think about it as it only makes me miserable.

What's that saying? 'Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'

lynmilne65 · 25/07/2018 19:39

What Tabitha said

Pikehau · 25/07/2018 19:42

Hi op,

I know how you feel. Ds6 and was at cm for 6 months until he was 2. So not that long but boy did we make a mistake and 4 years later I still drive past her house and scowl.

For us it wasn’t about £ just a horrid person but no matter what I think the issue is you feel awful and guilty for leaving your children with her given she turned out to be so awful.

So YANBU to want to report, review etc I wish I had but do think that 3/4 years is a bit long.

underneaththeash · 25/07/2018 19:44

Take her to court OP - the limit is 6 years for breach of contract, small claims is very easy and it will not only get you some money back, but you may also stop other people from having the same experience as you had.

You can also register on childcare.co.uk and review her.

It might be too late for OFSTED, but you can still register a complaint regarding allergies.

NEFink · 25/07/2018 19:44

Honestly, on day one when my baby's bum was bleeding on collection I would have terminated my contract

Ditto.

TeachesOfPeaches · 25/07/2018 19:45

I had a horrible CM and it still makes me angry that I left my son with her for as long as I did (single parent working very long hours with young baby). He is with a brilliant childminder now but I still fume.