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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To still wish ill on this CM years on?

37 replies

Spaider · 25/07/2018 18:52

NC as very outing.

Background: Made contact with a CM when my DD was born so that I could return back to work after mat leave. Also have an older DS, who attends a school CM serves.
CM is fairly new to the whole thing, but seems confident and on contact it turns out that she has availability for the ft care we need for both children. Brilliant. She even offers a discount for the eldest and says that 5-month retainer of £450 can be used for 1/2 days from when we begin payment.
With a newborn in tow, we sign contracts: full-time hours, 5 days a week for the youngest and before-and after-school care for the eldest.

Discount for eldest never materialises. Never mind. Retainer for youngest is 1/2 fees of £450 for 5 months. No payment of bank holidays as per contract and no payment for CM holidays, but retainer if we are on holiday. 6 weeks trial period, during which any party can cancel without notice or reason. Okay. Never had an issue before, confident we'll be fine. We sign and leave, all happy that we have childcare in an area with little availability.

Date we pay the retainer starts and I ask about 1/2 days, with gentle intro. Agreed (grudingly) 1-2 hours weekly, going up to twice a week for 1 hour by the end of the month. Not happy (as not the hours promised), but accepted. No further change made to this, despite numerous times of asking. CM agrees to do a day when I am due to appear at work for an important meeting: I am grateful, but feel like this is deserved after paying out a retainer for what was not (verbally) agreed.

Child collected and turns out bum was bleeding. Queried it and how often DD was changed, CM got defensive, but convinced me everything was fine. Left on a good note.
CM starts requesting that I collect only after giving 30min notice minimum as I turn up before time too frequently and it interrupts routine.

DD develops severe nut allergy and turns out brighter than expected, hitting milestones much earlier than anticipated. CM later says she doesn't believe DD has food allergy as severe as I state.

CM complains DD constantly vomits. I state only vomiting ever done at home is after allergen-containing food and query whether CM is ensuring every crumble from other children is cleaned. CM gets very defensive.

The time arrives for f/t care for both children. CM starts taking every Friday off for some reason or another (illness, fire in a building nearby, own childcare issues etc.). My and DH's jobs being threatened by our employers as a result.
CM requests payment for bank holidays, despite contract stating otherwise.

CM says to DH she doesn't think I trust her and wants to drop us. DH begs her not to, agreed we extend trial period after long talk. All seems well.

CM requests we collect DD (both of us at work - Friday again!) as rash has developed. Rash turns out to be 2 tiny, barely-noticeable spots on chest. CM is fine to my face, but tells DH on the phone she is quitting on us. Left without childcare, jobs already under threat.

CM suggests I quit my job to look after children. CM doesn't understand why I'm working anyway, with small children. CM accuses me of lying about DD's condition and DS's SEN.
Both DD and DS left without childcare. Find new CMs for both children within a few days.

AIBU to wish every evil in the world on this CM, even years later? AIBU to be tempted to write bad reviews everywhere? AIBU to keep hoping Ofsted finally visit this evil witch and make her quit for good?

OP posts:
hotcrossapple · 25/07/2018 19:49

i lost something like £600 putting dd into a nursery she wouldn't go to, couldn't get her to stay, whatever I tried and they held me to my notice. I've got other childcare decisions in hindsight I regret, one particular nursery turned out dreadfully for my younger DD - a really bad fit, supposed to be a great nursery but not great for her.

I had a lovely nanny who got sick, lost a lot of earnings when she wasn't able to work before we finally accepted we needed to make other arrangements, luckily held onto job..

You shouldn't dwell on it, after 3 years you'll just look bitter, whatever the ins and outs are. Move forward. Over the course of 2 DC you enter into a lot of childcare arrangements, some are great, some aren't.

jannier · 25/07/2018 19:49

kittymamma - believe me they don't some will regularly sit outside even if child is due to walk past and get excited and not knock until dead on or even a bit after time, some go home and have a cup of tea. We are all different.
perhaps the early arrive disrupted tea or meant other children getting upset thinking they were going home?

ElementalHalfLife · 25/07/2018 19:51

OP, why are you letting this woman take up so much room in your head 3 years on? Honestly, letting this eat away at you is harming you far more than it is her.

Bamaluz · 25/07/2018 19:54

She sounds horrendous, I'm a childminder and would never treat someone like that.
I have been childminding for over twenty years and have similar horror stories about being treated very badly by certain parents.
And a child once arrived with bleeding nappy rash.

jannier · 25/07/2018 19:54

Op you need to find a way to move on, if you didn't complain at the time its too late now and nasty reviews can cause problems for you if you cant back them up with proof and didn't even put a complaint in at the time.
Future experiences will be better your Lo's are over it now maybe write her a letter you don't post to get it out of your system then think to yourself lucky escape.

GazeboLantern · 25/07/2018 20:13

I remember your thread about the 'rash'. It was a very unpleasant time for you, but there is nothing you can do now to improve what happened then. It is past, and you need to move on unburdened by frustration. What's the point of vengeance?

OlennasWimple · 25/07/2018 20:21

Three years down the road you seriously need to channel your inner Elsa and let it go. There is literally nothing good that can come out of holding a grudge so severe for so long.

Seasawride · 25/07/2018 20:22

Op she’s vile. I was a Cm for years and this makes he very angry.

Anyone using CMs ignore ofsted and go on recommendations.

always read through understand and keep contracts they are legal documents

And yes op I would blacken her name with other parents.

I had one parent who constantly paid late, underpaid and after I gave her notice 11 years ago she still owes me money and I told all the other CMs so she was black listed. Serve her right.

You speak out op. Children’s welfare is paramount.

Seasawride · 25/07/2018 20:23

It’s not vengeance it’s proteccting any future mindees.

Historical abuse and neglect is abuse and neglect. I think op needs to let this anger out and good on her.

jannier · 26/07/2018 09:41

Seasawride - you do need some proof though -
babies can get severe bleeding nappy rash - I have one who I have to watch like a hawk and change as soon as he goes - boot of car, pushchair, floor, ground wherever I am as in 5 minutes its bleeding. Luckily for me mum knows but I guess if it were day one I would be out of work and blackened on here. Passers by think I'm nuts but its the only way to keep lo comfortable if I'm out somewhere like school playground as he goes its a nightmare as by the time I walk back to the car even if I leave the children in class he would be burnt. Vegetarian babies are really bad for this in my experience.
The op has no proof that the child was fed anything containing nuts many parents complain that the child was sent home after being sick and was not ever sick at home playing fine etc. Does every child get fed badly in day care for this to happen - no it doesn't. So how will she prove her accusations if taken to court for slander? The costs for loss of earnings and defamation would be way more than what she's complaining about....so she needs legal advise if she want to be safe. The fact she hasn't complained in 3 years will be s problem as she has no eye witness to what happened when she was at work no record of injury and presumably the baby cant tell us....historical abuse cases have got witnesses and the victim themselves can provide great detail.

Heismyopendoor · 26/07/2018 09:47

CM sounds crap but you seriously need to drop it. How much of your energy are you using on this? You can’t change what’s happened so seriously I would drop it and try and move on.

TheDarkPassenger · 26/07/2018 10:56

I’ve not personally experienced this specific thing but I know exactly what you feel like. Yes it’s silly to be angry years on and yes it is a waste of energy, however I know how much of a blur things like this get when you’re caught up in the midst of a parenting/work/life battle and it’s only really when life calms down for a while that you look back and think ‘I can’t believe someone did that to us at a vulnerable point in our lives’ and that’s only really when the anger hits. I do it too and it’s completely normal. However, id do what other posters suggest with leaving a review on childcare websites and as she’s local, word of mouth.

Sorry this happened, I’d be angry too

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