To not want certain family to visit when I have my baby?

[sissy89]

I'm booked in for an elective section so know the date.

I received a message from my aunty this morning who lives about an hour away from us to say her, my uncle and my 2 teenage cousins will either be coming to visit me on the day I have baby or the day after.

I don't want this. The only visitors I want in the hospital is my mum and dad, mother in law and our dcs. My sister and dh brother are also welcome but know they most likely will not visit until we are home and settled. I know I'm going to be in pain. And I know I'll be emotional. This will be my 3rd dc and 3rd c section so I know what to expect.

Also, dh has an older teenage daughter but due to where she lives (about an hour away) and the fact the baby will be born during back to school week in September, it's very unlikely she will be able to meet her new sibling until that weekend so ideally I want to hold off with other visitors until then so she doesn't feel left out - like everyone has seen the baby but her. Dh is really hoping to go and pick her up but again, it all depends on timings etc. Dsd is well aware and is happy to wait until the weekend.

The problem is, my aunty will take offence big time when I tell her I'd rather wait until we are more settled for visitors. She's fallen out with the majority of family on her side over silly little things and whenever we do speak, it's all about who has offended her most recently. So that's going to make me prime target. And like I say, it's back to school week and my aunty and family have extremely busy weekends so I'm not sure they would have the time to visit at any other point.

I guess I'm just frustrated at the message more than anything. She didn't ask me if they could come. It was they are coming hopefully the day the baby is born - which is a definite no and I will message her to explain I have no idea what time the baby will be born and when I'm out of recovery so that probably will not work.

We aren't even that close to be honest and I do find my aunty quite hard to deal with at times. She's very much 'me me me' all the time and I'm just not sure I'll be in the mood for it. She's married to my dads brother so not technically related.

I just feel there's more important people that need to see the baby first who won't be able too straight away. That's me being blunt and probably being a bit of a bitch.

However....I am very grateful that they want to come and visit and willing to put the effort in and I feel bad that I feel this way!

Am I just being a miserable, emotional, heavily pregnant and fed up of the heat lady?

"I'd rather not have too many visitors when I'm in hospital, I'll let you know once we're home." If she has a strop, that's her problem, just don't engage.

Oh yes, and if there's a next time, keep the date to yourself!

Good luck.

No you aren't. Stick to your guns and tell her no. Would it really be such a hardship if she did 'fall' out with you as such over your perfectly reaaonable request given how she seems to thrive on bashing those who do no fall into line with her? I wouldn't give it a second thought and i'd stick to seeing those nearest and dearest to you all as you've described and she should fit in somewhere after that.

Why be grateful? She's coming for her own sake, not yours. And you know Facebook will be plastered with her photos before other people even know you've had a baby.

I wouldn't worry at all about crossing her. Honestly, I wouldn't even consider her feelings on it at all. I'd just say, "Sorry, we will only be having parents visiting then. We'll let you know when the baby's born and talk about a good time to visit."

YANBU. As pp have said, just tell her you aren't having visitors immediately and will let her know when you are. Make sure your close family are aware of this so they don't pass on any info to her. So rude that she didn't ask.

@HollowTalk most likely correct about the fb thing. That had crossed my mind also.

When I had my last dc, things were very different and she did come and visit me in hospital and I didn't mind. She ended up being dd's godmother so I do understand why she thinks the same will be happening this time.

Except now I have distanced myself from her due to the person she has become over recent years. We are still friends and meet up maybe twice a year. I love my uncle to pieces though and my cousins so I would never want to fall out with them - but she is the 'leader' of the family so if you fall out with her then you fall out with them all.

I will just reply now I know I'm not BU and say it will be best for them to come at a later date. I'll be nice and if she takes offence then so be it.

Thanks everyone x

Put your SD first.
Tell her no one outside of immediate family is going to see the baby until SD has.

Just tell them the dates have changed, and if you have any more children put tell anyone the date of c-section till baby is here!

Tell her she can come when invited or bollocks, her choice.

Blame the hospital visiting policy. It has ‘broad shoulders’. Soften it by suggesting a time and offering to do live chat.

Well done for making the right decision. Stand firm. When I read your opening post, my instinctive response was "Sod it! Offend the auntie!"

If you want to keep the peace I’d be tempted to say hospital will only let immediate family in, then say you stayed in longer.

Tell her it's not suitable if she falls out with you then it's a win win, she sounds like a nightmare and I'm sure your family will understand if they have also had run ins with her.

Tell her no one outside of immediate family is going to see the baby until SD has.
This ^^. She can't argue with that without looking unreasonable.

Glad you are going to say no to her and arrange a time after baby is born.

We’ve had to have this conversation with friends as our families live over 2 hours away so our parents won’t be able to get here straight away and a few friends want to come to the hospital when I’m in labour and we know they won’t keep it private (one started telling everyone I was pregnant on social media straight away as they saw me leaving a midwife appointment).

Most friends have been understanding, one had quite a strop but now is popping round every few days to try and change our mind and keeps bringing presents for baby, sadly I can’t even pretend to be out as I’m on crutches and been ordered to stay home and rest. I’ve said bringing gifts won’t change our minds and to stop, I still have 3 months until my due date after all!

I wouldn’t worry about offending her. As you said you aren’t close so if she does get annoyed it’s no loss to you. I’m sure she will soon move on to another relative. Putting your stepdaughter first sounds like the best way to do it.

Yanbu, who does she think she is?! Go ahead and tell her what the hospital rules are about visiting, and that you can’t guarantee she will be admitted. Time to be putting your needs first, and only immediate family visiting you in hospital until you know how you are and can cope.

Just tell midwives to say you are in recovery for 12hours

Use ‘the midwives say xxxx’ or ‘the consultants say yyy’ where xxx and yyy are what you want them to listen to or what info you want them to not arcue with...

Thanks for everyone's advice. I can see now that you are all totally right in what your saying. I'm just so tired and fed up, not slept for 3 days now so I'm not thinking straight and honestly couldn't see if I was in the wrong or not.

Like I say, I don't want to fall out with my uncle and cousins at all.

I've said the day I give birth will be a no as I don't have a clue about what time and when ill feel up to having visitors. I've said the day after might also possibly be difficult but dh will let them know on the day. I've hinted that I don't really want them to come so hopefully she might get the message.

As for not saying when my date was - I didn't. My mum did though lol. But she honestly didn't think anything of it

It is annoying she knows the date. My friend kept it quiet for this very reason. You could tell everyone you are booked in a week later and then only let the people know who really need to know and tell your Mum to not say!

Yeah I haven't really told anyone the date as I just don't want a fuss. I'm not mad at my mum as she genuinely didn't realise it would be a problem - probably my fault for not saying to my mum to keep it quiet! I'd say I'd learn for next time but in this case - there will most definitely never be a next time ever ever again!

Saying that, even if she does know the date, I think it's very rude to just assume you can come visit. But anyway,...I'll sort it now I'm a bit more with it

Tell her that you don’t want them visiting until you are more settled. If she falls out with you... well.... though!

Devil's advocate here... sometimes having visitors in the hospital is easier than at home. They don't stay long, you don't have to tidy up or make tea (not that you have to do anything anyway but ykwim) and you could always arrange with a friendly nurse to bustle them out after 15 mins. This only works if it would then absolve you of another visit the following week though.
Re FB I would say straight up "no pics on social media please" either at all or until we've announced the birth.

Oh I know you are all right. I'm not too bothered about falling out with her, it's my uncle and cousins that I don't want to not speak too. Like I say, she's the leader of the family lol. If she falls out with someone then the others do too. Plus I'd rather not fall out with anyone over the birth of my baby. I'm happy for them to come and visit whenever. Just not while I'm in hospital as I just want that for immediate family.

Anyway she's replied to my message now and doesn't seem pissed off so hopefully that's it dealt with!

@villainousbroodmare good point and I had actually thought of that also. Especially if the ward is busy etc, they won't be able to stay long. But it's dsd I'm mainly thinking of. I don't want her to think everyone has met her new sibling before she has. I think that has to come first really