Heartbroken that I'm being forced to sell mum's house, she worked hard for it and paid her national insurance

[Jkoakham]

And now her savings are running out I will need to sell her house to carry on funding it.

It all seems to very unfair, her house was supposed to be passed to me but instead it's affectively passed to government and private companies.

I thought the dimentia tax had been can cancelled?

We have already had discussions with our two boys about all this stuff and will be putting it in writing. I've told them it's in their best interests to keep us at home but I will have money put aside for carers to come in, I don't expect them to do it - just to keep in touch. Luckily we already have rooms downstairs that can easily be bed/bath rooms if necessary.

Hopefully we won't need it but who knows? My MIL died recently at age 96 needing nothing more than domestic "chores" doing.

Iheart that is true, he goes on about that a lot also, he actually was a gas fitter in many of the London council tower blocks working for British Gas. That wasn’t the criteria for long though, the housing shortage soon lost that criteria, they did push people out of London into New Towns such as Milton Keynes, Aylesbury and Stevenage and many as a result also lost their jobs and still received housing.

I've told them it's in their best interests to keep us at home but I will have money put aside for carers to come in, I don't expect them to do it - just to keep in touch

You are very naive if you think that will cover you if you have dementia.

Who do people think ‘the government’ is when they go on about it on these threads? The government is the taxation that everyone who works pays into. Until you got into this situation with your mother OP, did you want to pay more tax? Or did you think that someone else should be paying for it. And don’t bang on about billionaires and corporations evading tax, we all know about it but it’s difficult to ensure they pay tax otherwise it would happen. So it would largely fall on younger people, who find it hard to buy their own properties, are struggling to afford extortionate childcare and will never get pensions. Meanwhile they are funding pensions for people who benefited massively from house inflation, had good pensions, paid low taxes in the Thatcher years. And now they don’t want to pay for their care and probably not tax on money they leave to their families. Fairness is not all one way. And as pp said it is extremely unlikely that your mother paid enough tax and ni to cover everything she has taken out.

Honflyr Would you fly out to Switzerland, or make an attempt at home?

If I could afford it, Switzerland. If not - at home (with a DNR ideally)

ohreally, I couldn't agree more.

People who've never lived with dementia or had to cope with it, so often have absolutely no idea of what it can mean, and have no right to make sanctimonious judgments.

All too often it is not just a case of a nice old thing gently getting more forgetful.
Among other things too many to mention, my FiL was apt to fly into truly terrifying rages over the tiniest little thing. He was still physically very fit and the rages were so bad I would have to leave the house and take the petrified dog with me.

Even my dh didn't really believe me about the violence of these rages , until he witnessed one for himself. My dh is a big hefty bloke but even he said he wouldn't have dared approach him.

BTW, many elderly home owners have massively benefited from ridiculous house price rises and haven’t really worked for the value. It’s been their good luck that has meant they have ended up with houses worth hundreds of thousands of pound rather than how hard they worked Iyswim

(I’ve benefitted from this myself so it’s not a criticism! )

It seems fairer for older home owners to pay for the care themselves rather than society as a whole,many of whom are completely screwed over by the fact that houses cost so much.

I’ve probably not explained that very well.

I've told them it's in their best interests to keep us at home but I will have money put aside for carers to come in, I don't expect them to do it - just to keep in touch

You are very naive if you think that will cover you if you have dementia

Don't be ridiculous, of course I'm not naive. Did it really need spelling out that there might be instances where it wouldn't be possible? It's like talking to a class of 10yr olds on here sometimes.

I've told,them in it's in their best interests to keep us at home for as long as possible, although of course we understand that there may be illnesses or diseases which cannot be dealt with at home.

That better?

I'm with Mookatron and Honflyr.

I don't work so my children will have an inheritance. I work (among other reasons) so they have a rich life with lots of opportunities now to stand them in the best stead of making their way successfully in life. (I am very lucky to not to be struggling to cover the basics).

Dh and I will work on for as long as we can and I hope that by the time I am old assisted suicide will be legal so I can go at a point of my choosing.

It is frustrating when having to sell modest houses to fund care...

Although if we said no one should have to sell houses.... This would also include very wealthy people sitting on property worth millions while everyone else's tax pays their care costs??

Is it fair that if I am very rich and guess I'll need care in 5 years that I spend all my wealth now? So the tax payer picks up funding....

These are all very real situations...

Although if we said no one should have to sell houses.... This would also include very wealthy people sitting on property worth millions while everyone else's tax pays their care costs??
Everyone else’s tax already pays their medical costs so I don’t see how it’s any different for care costs to also be covered? Presumably the very wealthy have paid into the system just like everyone else!

Live with someone else wiping your ass etc and slowly crumbling down, with nothing to pass on to family, or cut your life short and be remembered how you had been in life, before you're a shadow of your former self, and have something for your family... I know what both me and my grandma would rather. I'm with you both too!

Look after her yourself then OP. Enjoy. That's an awful and flippant remark.

To pay all care costs for everyone would require a big tax hike for everyone.

There is no "free" money: if it's free for you, that means someone else is paying for it

To all those wanting free care for all:
How much extra tax are you prepared to pay every month, to protect someone else's inheritnce ?

Everyone else’s tax already pays their medical costs so I don’t see how it’s any different for care costs to also be covered?

The long and short of it is that are tax doesn't fully cover medical costs and the NHS is operating on a shortfall, staff retention is terrible due to rates of pay etc.

To expect it to pay for care as well is more or less dreamworld territory. Unless you want the 20% tax band to go up to 40% and the 40% band to go to 60% (and I don't know about you but there is not room in my budget to pay 40% tax rates) we're stuck with things as they are. The population is aging and demands on health and social care are reaching breaking point already.

It already does, doesn't it? In both respects. Free for all but if you have money you can access better care/more choice/skip waiting lists, etc. If you don't have money or don't want to spend it on your care, you take whatever you're given.
No it doesn’t work like that. The NHS offers free treatment for all, you can pay for better treatment if you want to and can afford it, but the basic level of treatment is free. However there’s no basic level of free care and no choice not to spend your money. If you have money but don’t want to spend it on care, the money will be seized regardless.

Agree BigChoc May as well put a price on it

Extra £400 - £1000 a month so everyone gets to inherit the house?

(No idea what it would be)

You're not losing your home, you're moving somewhere more suitable for your medical needs

This is it. This is for long stay care until the end of life. The DM isn't losing her home, she's moving to another one. The loss here is of inheritance and DM didn't pay her NI for her DCs to gain an asset.

If this was the OP's home, I'd be more sympathetic.

Among other things too many to mention, my FiL was apt to fly into truly terrifying rages over the tiniest little thing. He was still physically very fit and the rages were so bad I would have to leave the house

FIL was violent as a consequence of dementia. Most health visitors only saw him at a time of day when he wasn't sundowning - that's when he'd get violent.

Let's just say that it took substantial injuries to family members before FIL was taken into hospital for assessment - and he wasn't in there 24hrs before he was re-zoned into the locked ward.

YABVU; presumably any tax and insurance contributions have been more than exceeded in state pension, medical care etc (hence the ever- increasing retirement age). The Tory proposals to allow more of the asset to be protected would negatively impact couples with one partner in care and one at home. At the moment, where a partner remains in the home, the property is not included in the financial assessment at all.

It’s funny my friends Mum sold her house, went off enjoying herself on round the world holidays, then was homeless was supplied a 2 bed flat and then fell ill and was given 24/7 care, 365 day’s a year,doctors thought she had 2 weeks and lived 2 years. The cost to the council was £3000 a week. I think I will do the same, what’s the point working hard all your life and other people never work and get everything paid for.

If everyone does this, there will be no care or assistance for anyone. It's selfish. If you can contribute and have benefited by living in this country and having a reasonably nice life, you should be contributing to your own care at the end, too, if you can. Attitudes like this are what will bankrupt the country.

The care Home fees are very steep and I suspect often you are probably subsidising those who need care but have no assets.

It is a difficult one

Think of it the other way around. By working hard to buy her own home, she has provided the pot of money to have her be in a better quality of home, without you having to fork out the extra money to enable it. That's what happened with my grandparents. It's what I foresee happening with my parents. It's part of the reason I bought (eventually, when I could).

Although I do think it's reasonable to sell a house to cover the costs of a new one, I am sympathetic to the OP. It's a difficult time, especially if it's a childhood home. Even if it isn't I can see it's heartbreaking. But still necessary and right.

FWIW care homes are over £1200 pw and that was 4 years ago when I worked for SS

This is for long stay care until the end of life. The DM isn't losing her home, she's moving to another one.

But most homeowners don't sell up and then use the money from the sale for rent. They sell up and buy another house that they own. That is the issue here, that you already have a house you have paid for, and if it were not for your ill health, a factor you cannot help, you could carry on living in that house, without rent or mortgage payments. But because of health issues you are then forced to sell up and use the money to pay rent, thus losing your asset. There is no way to avoid this when it happens, as others have said , your assets will be seized to pay for your care and you will have no choice.