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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heartbroken that I'm being forced to sell mum's house, she worked hard for it and paid her national insurance

999 replies

Jkoakham · 25/07/2018 09:28

And now her savings are running out I will need to sell her house to carry on funding it.

It all seems to very unfair, her house was supposed to be passed to me but instead it's affectively passed to government and private companies.

I thought the dimentia tax had been can cancelled?

OP posts:
Gin96 · 25/07/2018 12:13

It’s funny my friends Mum sold her house, went off enjoying herself on round the world holidays, then was homeless was supplied a 2 bed flat and then fell ill and was given 24/7 care, 365 day’s a year,doctors thought she had 2 weeks and lived 2 years. The cost to the council was £3000 a week. I think I will do the same, what’s the point working hard all your life and other people never work and get everything paid for.

Ifeelshit · 25/07/2018 12:14

YANBU. It is disgusting that someone that has worked all of their life can lose their home while someone that hasn't earned anything gets taken care of in exactly the same way.

But what about the huge swathe of people in the middle, who have worked their whole lives. often past retirement but could never afford their own home, have what they think are "lots of" savings, but in reality are below the threshold, but they have scrimped and saved their whole lives for it. THOSE are the majority of people funded by the local authority.

Vitalogy · 25/07/2018 12:15

Was talking with family about this the other day. I said I reckon I'd kill myself before I had my house sold off to go into a care home, so that it could be passed down to my kids. Well this is it but sometimes there's no time to plan it.

arranfan · 25/07/2018 12:17

In my family, I don't think we're unusual, but we're the classic sandwich generation where we're caring for multiple elderly relatives, some in our own generation whose health is failing unexpectedly early but whose DC are living/working a long way away, and younger generations.

There's a massive amount of caring that is going on that is completely invisible and very costly in financial, emotional, and physical resources. Depending on work and travel obligations, there are sometimes 2 of us trying to cover 8-11 relatives whose needs encompass dementia, various cancers, cardiovascular problems, COPD etc. etc. - and keep our jobs. Nobody wants to leave their own homes which is understandable but it means we spend all our weekends travelling and during the week we're constantly covering ludicrous mileage or making tricky arrangements.

I don't know how any state could fund this level of need. I don't know how many people could afford to give up their jobs to become carers and even that wouldn't help because it wouldn't cover the needs of all of the people who need short-term help rather than live-in.

Ginorchoc · 25/07/2018 12:18

My dad is in his 70s and worked all his life, he regrets it as he would have been better not working, staying in a council house and would actually be better off.

LucheroTena · 25/07/2018 12:19

Why was the dementia tax so hated? It seemed better than this. Or are people ignorant of the current system?

I’m hoping by the time I’m old there will be a dignitas type service in the U.K. no way would I want anyone (family or taxpayers) to waste disgusting amounts of money funding my miserable existence in a care home.

sue51 · 25/07/2018 12:20

It is galling when your parent pays by selling her home and other people receiving the same level of care are totally funded, this happened to my mother. I do agree that if are funds are available it is only right to pay however unfair it may seem.

Parentingsortof · 25/07/2018 12:21

I work within the same field. With all due respect why shouldn't you use your assets to pay for your own care!

Yes it may be your relatives house but they will never live there again anyway

If you want to avoid your relatives loosing their home, you could buy it ( if they have capacity to sell) rent it out for them or let them live with you maybe in their own home.

You can't take money with you, so the only people who benefits from assets and savings are the families.

The advice for a long time has been to give money to family along the way

LucheroTena · 25/07/2018 12:21

People of your dads age in council houses would have been in employment Ginorchoc albeit not well paid. A condition for being a council tenant back then was employment and good references.

OctaviaOctober · 25/07/2018 12:21

But you're happy to fund the feckless and the idle who haven't worked a day in their lives and saved nothing.

There will be some form of enticement put in place by our authorities. We'll probably end up with a clearly tiered system where benefit claimants/low earners will end up in very basic elder care, while middle earners with savings/property to contribute will have a better standard of living and care. of course that does already exist to a certain extent, yet many people feel they would rather spend or give away their assets and take the basic care situation. I'm sure we'll soon begin to see propaganda on the hazards of taking the "no assets" route and why people should still want to live well in their last years.

Personally I think I would rather have decent care and a decent living situation, and encourage my children now to build their own lives where they don't need to rely on a future windfall from me. It took me a long time to get off the rough council estate I was brought up in, I wouldn't voluntarily want to go back to that kind of environment for my last years of life.

noselimit · 25/07/2018 12:22

I said I reckon I'd kill myself before I had my house sold off to go into a care home, so that it could be passed down to my kids

You think your kids will appreciate your practicality?

If my parents ever did this I would be so heartbroken. Spending the rest of my life wondering why they thought money/house was more important to me.

Don't put that onto your children. That would truly be horrific.

NataliaOsipova · 25/07/2018 12:25

It is disgusting that someone that has worked all of their life can lose their home while someone that hasn't earned anything gets taken care of in exactly the same way.

Okay - let's extend this. As I said above, let's say you earn an average income. if you have a couple of kids and they go to state schools, you're costing more than you're contributing in tax. Is it then also disgusting that average earners, who aren't actually fully contributing to the schools their kids attend should have the same priority for school places as someone who pays a lot more tax? Should we rank school admissions in order of parental income?

Then take it further. Should we rank NHS waiting lists on an income basis? The richer you are, the more you've paid for your treatment so you should come first? Should the police/ambulance/fire brigade attend the homes of the higher earner first? Etc etc....

DamsonPie · 25/07/2018 12:28

No, but if it’s free for some it should be free for all. The NHS doesn’t work on the basis that you pay if you’re rich but it’s free if you’re poor. It’s free for all regardless of income. Care should work on the same basis.

KwatahPanda · 25/07/2018 12:30

People up and down the country with mental health issues are being left to become homeless fund themselves.

Your mother is moving, she doesn't need the house. The only person you feel sorry for is yourself and losing your inheritance.

Why should people inherit money they didn't work for? How are they more deserving than poor people who are given elderly care?

nokidshere · 25/07/2018 12:31

If a person with cancer has treatment, and the side effects result in them being too weak to prepare their own meals, wash themselves etc, that is social care and is means tested.

No it's not because that person would qualify for PIP and PIP isn't means tested

Honflyr · 25/07/2018 12:33

You think your kids will appreciate your practicality?

If my parents ever did this I would be so heartbroken. Spending the rest of my life wondering why they thought money/house was more important to me.

Don't put that onto your children. That would truly be horrific.

Don't fucking presume anything. My own grandmother said the same - "They treat dogs better than humans, dogs die with dignity and get put down, but elderly people are forced to live out until they are falling apart and cannot even remember their own name". She would rather die first, and also so that she could have something to give to her family after her long life.

I would fully support her if she wanted to kill herself, for the above reasons.

OctaviaOctober · 25/07/2018 12:34

The NHS doesn’t work on the basis that you pay if you’re rich but it’s free if you’re poor. It’s free for all regardless of income. Care should work on the same basis.

It already does, doesn't it? In both respects. Free for all but if you have money you can access better care/more choice/skip waiting lists, etc. If you don't have money or don't want to spend it on your care, you take whatever you're given.

Anyway, we're rapidly approaching a point where NHS care will no longer be free for all because it is becoming unsustainable.

Honflyr · 25/07/2018 12:35

Live with someone else wiping your ass etc and slowly crumbling down, with nothing to pass on to family, or cut your life short and be remembered how you had been in life, before you're a shadow of your former self, and have something for your family... I know what both me and my grandma would rather.

OctaviaOctober · 25/07/2018 12:37

Honflyr Would you fly out to Switzerland, or make an attempt at home?

Jux · 25/07/2018 12:38

You've had 16 months of care already. My friend's parents' nursing home cost him 4K a month, and it was not one of the better ones though OK. 4 x 16=64. That's 64K for her care so far.

NI might have started as a tax for the NHS, but it hasn't been so even since I was young, and I'm 60. I'm surprised you're not more aware of all this. You could have put the house on the market ages ago and sold at leisure.

Jux · 25/07/2018 12:40

The NHS has never been free. It's free at the point of use, big difference.

jellomello · 25/07/2018 12:41

I would rather my parents home sold and I didn't get an inheritance, than my children taxed to pay for it. I did not earn their house, they did and if it is ever needed to pay for their care, so be it.

Mookatron · 25/07/2018 12:41

OMG this thread is making me so angry. My dad worked hard most of his life, fell mentally ill and lost everything. He worked in public service as well, being underpaid for things that people need to be done. Now he lives off a pittance and is waiting for a council flat as his currently privately rented flat is inaccessible due to his age and physical condition.

You can all fuck off with your 'worked hard all my life to pass on my enormous house to my children'. It's not moral rectitude it's GREED. We live in a society, we should provide for its weakest members.

And as a last word, the idea that people on benefits live luxuriously - or even to the same standard as those who don't - is fucking insultingly ridiculous too. Wake up.

AlphaBravo · 25/07/2018 12:42

Look after her yourself then OP. Enjoy.

WonkyWay · 25/07/2018 12:43

I can see both sides but generally think people should have to pay for their own care if they are elderly and no longer using their own homes.

All our family own their own homes so I expect we will end up not getting inheritances but that’s just the way it is.