Heartbroken that I'm being forced to sell mum's house, she worked hard for it and paid her national insurance

[Jkoakham]

And now her savings are running out I will need to sell her house to carry on funding it.

It all seems to very unfair, her house was supposed to be passed to me but instead it's affectively passed to government and private companies.

I thought the dimentia tax had been can cancelled?

@Tfoot75 'Easy to care for' really??? What a silly statement!

Bluelady...I work in this sector and in my area that is not the case...accept perhaps for residential care when they boot them out if they become too incontinent or 'challenging'

Except!

It's a complete myth that younger people with cancer etc don't have to pay. They do.

The rules are the same for everyone over the age of 18, it's not just elderly people that have to pay for care costs, anyone that requires long term care either at home or in residential care no matter what their diagnosis will be financially assessed in exactly the same way.

If you have cancer, or multiple sclerosis, or dementia it makes no difference, it's about what your care needs are.

The reason why cancer care often gets paid for is because of charities and hospices provide it over and above NHS/Local authority services.

Why hasn't your DM sold the house to you already?

Is it fair that people with no assets end up with the same care as someone who has chucked in £100k via a house sale? . Arguments both way I guess, but at the end of the day the person with the assets has a care option, the person without hasn't.

We could ask if it is fair that people in work have to pay for their own food and other essentials but people out of work get given money to live. That's how a welfare state works - those who can afford to, fund themselves, those who need help (hopefully) get some. The OP is not worried that her mother is losing out financially, she is annoyed that she is. I get the logic but it is flawed and selfish.

Bobby, in many countries there is simply no alternative to family care, and the poorer the country, the less likely it is that people will live as long as many do here.

A dd worked for some time in Cambodia, where she witnessed in a poor village the care of an elderly grandmother with dementia. She was tied to a chair outside all day, both to stop her wandering, and to prevent her double incontinence from messing up the house. She was then hosed down once a day. The family were not callous or uncaring, but it was the only way they could manage.

Incidentally we have Indian friends, living in India, who arranged two full time live in carers for a parent with dementia living 100 miles away.

I told the woman that we in the UK are often told (frequently by some pious sounding politician) that 'in other countries' people look after their own.

She said it was rubbish, and that their arrangement - which, as she also pointed out, is far cheaper and easier to organise there than here - is quite usual for anyone reasonably comfortably off - you didn't need to be rich.

YABU what is she going to do with the money after she is gone anyway...

Obviously, I meant easy to care for in comparison to someone with dementia. I think that most people would find it easier to look after a family member in their own home if they had a terminal illness (ie with an end in sight) than if they had dementia, which can go on for decades before a person’s body fails.

Oh and most 'schemes' to avoid care home fees aren't worth the paper they are written on.

If the Local Authority have reason to believe that someone has deliberately disposed of an asset to avoid paying care home fees then they can and do take legal action to reclaim the value of that asset. There is no time limit on this they can go back through records as far as is necessary.

What is unfair is people who've dossed about, haven't worked when they could and got benefits and not saved, get all their care paid for, while others who've worked and saved get no help.

OP, as PP have mentioned, have you looked into renting your mums house out?

I can’t speak for the OP but a month’s rent on my mum’s home will fund a week of her care. It will hold off having to sell the house but it by no means funds her care. Are you using her pension and Attendance Allowance too?

I feel some posters are being unfair to OP. She is not upset that she's missing out on her mother's home. I am working hard to buy my own home because I don't want my children to struggle financially as I have. I would be heartbroken if they did not benefit from it.

it's not a dementia tax, it is a living longer than you can care for yourself tax. What do we want instead, to knock people on the head? (Although I do agree that we should have the option to knock ourselves on the head, not to save money but to allow an escape if life becomes intolerable. No chance with the godsquadders about)

and as for those who haven't paid getting care - that's a civilised society. I have no kids and am lucky enough not to have needed much medical help (yet) - I don't think I should get a refund on the tax that pays for schools and hospitals!

I agree very strongly with your posts at 10:40 and 10:51, LeahJack.

Caring for elderly family members used to be unpaid labour by women. Now that, like childcare, it's paid for in money, the value of it has suddenly become visible.

Government statistics often describe people contributing unpaid labour as "economically inactive". Many really aren't. Their contribution just isn't being recorded.

I was intrigued to see entries in the 1939 Register (full register of the UK population taken at the beginning of WW2, for issuing National Identity Cards and later rationing cards). The Register specifies "unpaid domestic duties", distinct from "retired" and "incapacitated".

I guess when there's a war on and you want to make the most of your population's capacity, you have to realistically assess all the work being contributed to make the country function, not just the paid part.

Years ago, family looked after our elderly relatives. There were few care homes around. I remember both my elderly great grandparents being cared for and living with my Nan and Gramp. I learned by their example and cared for my lovely nan, even though I was still struggling to recover from a head injury. I felt I owed it her, and I will care for both of my parents.

Today it's everyones responsibility but ours and we expect the state to pay for it.

Specialsubject, what we can do - I have - is to make a living will to state that if I ever develop dementia, or any other condition where I am both unable to care for myself and speak for myself, then I emphatically do not want any interventions, whether surgical or medical, to try to keep me going when nature might be trying to let me go.
Palliative care only, thank you.

After so many years of visiting care homes, I have seen so much (albeit well intentioned) 'striving to keep alive', and not just endless medications and in and out of hospital, but also people being badgered and pestered to eat and drink when they so clearly no longer wanted to.

I'm on the fence with this one.
My parents were very, very poor when I was young, and worked very long hours, missing much of mine and my siblings childhood. They built a successful business allowing them to buy a large property. They constantly told me and my siblings that they had sacrificed that time so they could pass some financial security to their children so we would never to be in same position as they were. They are now having more and more health problems, my parents are heartbroken that they may have to sell the house to pay for their care, and feel their sacrifices were for nothing.
I have also worked in the NHS, and see the impact of cuts, I can see there is no money to support care costs without self funding.
OP - sorry you are going through this. The worry for your mothers health/care and the financial pressure must be awful.

What happens when the money runs out, does the person have to leave their lovely care home and move to a less lovely one?

YES.

I had to sell my mum's home to fund her care in a lovely home she had enjoyed spending time in when she went in for respite care, when I was looking after her. When the money from the house sale ran out I used my savings. When there was no money at all left (I was her only family) the council wanted to move her into a absolutely awful home, and away from the one she had lived in and loved for quite a few years. With her needs now so complex there was no way I (or anyone) could have looked after her at home. I found the council heartless and cruel, not so much by the rules they had to follow but the way they spoke to me. The way they told me I had several weeks to find the money or they would forecabily remove her. They way they said if I could not pay then I would have to find somebody who could. I tried to get a loan to cover future care home fees, but with disabled sons and a foster carer, my income did not qualify as a wage. The only possible way I could therefore raise the money was to sell our own home too - which would have meant no longer being able to foster.

We were in the process of arranging this when my mum passed away. I almost think she must have known.

I can’t speak for the OP but a month’s rent on my mum’s home will fund a week of her care. It will hold off having to sell the house but it by no means funds her care. Are you using her pension and Attendance Allowance too?

Sigh. Yes. That funds a second week, assuming that my mum has nothing to want to spend her mo eh on like a new pair of shoes or a theatre ticket or something to make life a little bit more bearable. As I say, it holds off having to sell the house but it is a temporary solution. Unfortunately, my mum is physically in very rude health. Mentally she is shot. If her parents and siblings are anything to go by, we have at least another 10 years.

NI is for pensions and benefits.
Healthcare is funded by taxation.
She may qualify for funding from CCG-my mum ended up in a nursing home and despite owning her own house got funding from CCG for her care.

We as a society decided we didn't want to have that responsibility anymore and so the government has made arrangements to do it for us.

That was probably around the time that house prices became so high that it needed two salaries to afford one. It is very rare for someone to be able to afford to quit their job and look after a relative with dementia.

It is also 24/7 job, my DM used to get up in the night and wander around as she no longer understood the difference between night and day. So someone had to be on night duty to listen out for her. A couple of times she fell in the night during her wanderings. My Dad, however, had terminal cancer but he understood that night time was not the time to get up and try to fry some bacon, so we knew he was safe and we did not need to stay awake all night ourselves. There is no way anyone can be on call 24/7 with no breaks and for it not to impact on their own health.

I think it is a really difficult situation for society as a whole, but I do sometimes wonder why I am bothering to work so that my dc can have a decent life (which is the main reason actually) when it might all be taken from them if I get dementia like my mum. If I knew right now that they would not get to inherit anything from me then I would sell my house now & go part time . I carry on working as I want to be able to help my DC, no matter how old they are.

I understand why you are upset but if someone has a house they can no longer live in surely It's fair that it should be sold to pay for somewhere they can live.

The Register specifies "unpaid domestic duties", distinct from "retired" and "incapacitated".

As my beloved gran used to joke, "He's retired; I'm just tired."

The real problem is all the people not working, cobtributing and saving (if they have a choice) who are unable to fund themselves when the time comes.