Heartbroken that I'm being forced to sell mum's house, she worked hard for it and paid her national insurance

[Jkoakham]

And now her savings are running out I will need to sell her house to carry on funding it.

It all seems to very unfair, her house was supposed to be passed to me but instead it's affectively passed to government and private companies.

I thought the dimentia tax had been can cancelled?

I feel that the issue is not coming up with solutions.

It is trying to get the public at large to see the necessity of paying the true cost of a proper solution.

Do you know what, I think you might be on to something there, Jas.

I'm with @madamginger
My parents money is for them and their care. I think they'll need it.

I don't want an inheritance at the expense of them getting better care. Spend the lot in their care.

It's sad if an adult has to rely on their patents dying to be financially successful.

NI is not for social care or we'd need to raise our taxes right now! I'd actually be quite happy to pay more tax so the poorest could be cared for.

Lapdog of the people who recover from cancer some are left with permanent health issues from the chemo.

There is an enormous difference between social care and the clinical nursing care required for people with alzheimers.

Headstone, with greatest respect just because a certain group of people all fit in the same age demographic it doesn’t mean that they all feel the same way about a certain issue. I saw what my Granny’s residential home was like and it was probably one of the better ones and I would be utterly miserable in there. I am a very private person. The idea of someone helping me when I am unable to go to loo on my own or cleaning and washing me does not appeal. And neither does the hefty price tag that goes with it. My granny had no lock to her room, presumably for H&S reasons and used to complain on a regular basis about another resident barging into her room. Would I want to pay for that? No thank you.

OhTheRoses, there really isn't. My mum's cause of death was dementia/Alzheimer's. All she needed was social care, she was on no medication at all until she needed morphine right at the end. She just needed personal care up until she was bed bound for the last week or so.

I think it's very easy to say what we would or wouldn't want decades in advance and it could well be a different matter when we get there. I'd rather go to Dignitas than live with dementia but if I were physically infirm and mentally healthy it would be a different matter.

My grandmother's parents lived with her at their, what became her farm. I recall my great grandmother aged about 83 becoming ill and bedridden for about 9 months. My great grandfather died more quickly about two years later.

My grandmother became ill in her mid 70s. First of all forgetfulness, it became worse. Then wakefulness and the inability to wash interspersed with accusations of theft and aggression, then breaking out of the house in her nightie and being brought home by the police. Add a sprinkling of faecezs smearing. My mother and grandad were exhausted. She entered a geriatric mh unit where over the next five years she forgot to walk, eat, drink and speak. She was 4 stone when she died having had 3 or 4 tias in the last year. She lived that long because she was so well cared for, and visited daily by family who helped feed her, talked to her and my mother washed her clothes to keep them nice. Also because physically she was well. Nurses in homes work shifts; relatives don't it is 24/7 and the care can continue for a decade.

There really is a total misunderstanding about alzheimers/dementia and social care on this thread. The care required by the mid term of this disease is qualified, holistic clinical care. Had my mother and grandad had to continue caring for her at home under the context of family and social care, alzheimers would have killed them too. My mother hardly saw my dc before they were 5. She was busy looking after her mother and my grandad.

I don't think you have experienced the full course of alzheimers bluelady. I am glad for you and for your mother.

I haven't seen the worst extremes of behaviour that you have. Very few people do. I've told you about my mum, the other residents in her care home were very much like her. She also lost horrendous amounts of weight and was immobile for her last year. Notwithstanding no clinical care was needed.

Alzheimer's can encompass a wide range of experiences of the disease there is no one way to suffer. It's shitty and horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but can affect and progress differently in different people hence the different experiences described here.

What I am concerned about is the lack of intermediate care here in UK. I have 2 elderly PIL, in their 80's, who need help but are not at the nursing home level yet. FIL has cancer and needs assistance but is fully "with it". MIL is frail and had a stroke earlier this year but is his carer. I dread waking each morning to see if they have fallen down the stairs, She trails along behind him "seeing him upstairs" but if he goes, so will she. They have no care at all in place but now have been told maybe they can get someone to look in each day. This doesn't help my poor MIL, who is really not coping. They can't afford private care but do own their house. I guess they could sell up and move to a small bungalow and use the leftover money for carers but moving in your 80's and with cancer would be quite a thing.

I get where you are coming from OP. My Mum has dementia. Both my parents worked hard, all our money went into the mortgage and bills and house upkeep. We never went on a family holiday. All I remember was being poor.

In hindsight, it would have been less stressful for them for us to live in a council house, spend all the money , have holidays and save nothing and then the State would pick up the bill.

necro, could the family or their staet pension then just pay at least for now for someone just to pop in once a day for an hour even if just to check on them or just having a cleaner for 2 hours every morning who puts out their lunch might help. When my mother died and before my father's dementia was at its worst he had someone come in to clean and make his meals (which then later moved to care) and luckily he his phsical health gave out very quickly although he was double incontinent and with 2 carers all day and someone sleeping in by the time he died (which is why in his last year that cost £130k).

@purplearmy I see where you are coming from. I know we all have "a story" about someone like this and not everyone on social care is the same but we have a friend who has taken from the system for years - living in accommodation that's been paid form driving a brand new subsidised car etc etc . He will be looked after and has nothing to lose. (FWIW this is a guy who is in his 60;s, had a heart attack maybe 25 years ago, smokes, is obese, drives long distances for cash on the side and sends money to a girlfriend in the Philippines)

@xenia, I think they will be doing that. The main problem right now is that FIL is needing to toilet every half hour and the poor woman has to lift him and clean him and the awful mess he leaves everywhere, plus the many many loads of washing. I go in daily to check and bring soup etc but they do need more,

she also has to deal with medications and a catheter

I don't know if the OP is still on here, but I think she is being U, mainly because her first post makes it very clear that she's not upset about her mother losing her home, she's upset about herself not inheriting her mother's house.

And I totally get that would be upsetting. But it's still unreasonable to expect the state to pay for something just so you can have an inheritance.

Of course being admitted to a MH unit because of dementia, is not going to classed as "social care"

For me, it was a really eye opener what is "social care", throwing shit or piss about, pulling catheters out, unable to feed, being bed ridden, confused, violent, double incontinent... all social care, this has happened because of under funding and so councils have had to really tighten up on what they can provide.

We need to move away from inheritance red herring and concentrate on a fully funded social care system, only about 40% of care is even partially private funded, the rest are left with some pretty shoddy residential nursing care.
I d like to see some sort of long term insurance and if people dont take this out, then sure, use the family home but in the meantime, stop cuts to corporation tax (already the lowest in the G7 an set to fall even further) and use the money ear marked to really improve social care services.

My mum's cause of death was dementia/Alzheimer's. All she needed was social care, she was on no medication at all until she needed morphine right at the end. She just needed personal care up until she was bed bound for the last week or so

So all dementia patients need nothing more than a shot of morphine or two right at the end? I am glad your experience was nothing worse than that.

It is an absolute scandal that dementia patients have been lumped under ‘social care’ when we have a clinical system that does everything possible to keep people alive.

I didn't say that - sigh.

And to say you're glad the bloody nightmare experience of seeing my beloved mother disappear, not recognise me and turn into a vestige of herself was nothing worse is one of the most insensitive and crass things anyone's ever said to me.

It doesn’t help when people play Top Trumps about how bad their parents’ demise was.

But actually my parents’ deaths from cancer was far more upsetting than the pils’ descent into dementia (notwithstanding that they are my Pil!). That is because they were mentally fine; they were themselves . Mil and now fil turned slowly into vegetables. Nothing left. No recognition. It is very sad and ludicrous that their life was prolonged in this way. Mil in particular would have been furious if she could have seen herself sitting in a nappy shouting randomly.

I read an article on Dignitas in the weekend paper, and the trouble is that you only have six months after a dementia/Alzheimer’s diagnosis to get there. After that you are considered to have lost capacity. But often someone isn’t too bad when they are first told they have dementia; they are not ready to go to the Swiss Clinic then. What they want is the ability to be taken there (or anywhere similar, preferably closer to home) when they become undignified (including not knowing who they or their family are) which I think is most people’s fear.

I completely agree with this. The sooner we allow people to die with dignity, the better. It may be a cliche to say we treat animals better but it's absolutely true.

Completely agree with what you’ve just said bluelady.