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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IBU but DP is a prick

29 replies

NomsQualityStreets · 25/07/2018 02:08

Sorry I'm just posting because I need to get it off my chest before I implode.

DP is away for work and I'm on my own with DS1 3yo and DS2 8mo.
On Monday DS1 was ill so I was housebound with 2DCs for the full day DP came home at about 6pm did bedtimes with me and set off. We got no time together not even 5mins. Today DS2 is unwell. He spent the day crying at everything and trying to nap so once again I've spent the full day at home with 2 LOs mostly carrying DS2 everywhere and I'm rather deprived of adult social interaction which is probably clouding my judgement.

DP always calls before DS1 bedtime when he's away to say goodnight to him he text me at 6.20 to say he will call soon but didn't do it and didn't call until prompted him which was about 7.30 and DCs were in bed.
Call lasted about 5mins as he had to get a shower and get dressed for a night out and dinner with clients.
Told him DS2 is ill. Said he will text me through the night. There's been no contact. A text came at 11pm asking if I'm asleep to which I replied no. It was seen and he was still seen on WhatsApp at 12.30am but I had nothing else off him no asking about DS or how we're getting on or even the usual text letting me know he's back safe in his room.
Since 8pm I've been with DS2 for every 40 mins he sleeps he needs to be rocked for the same amount of time. He's crying, whinging, thrashing and sitting up. Won't BF and has bitten me multiple times when I've attempted a feed. I've been scratched and kicked trying to settle him and he's currently fidgeting being held by me. Everytime I think he's finally asleep he starts crying and rubbing his eyes or pulling my hair.
I'm sat here feeling pretty shit. Knackered, in pain and at at the absolute end of my tether. Also feeling pretty fucking resentful of DP for getting to bugger off to a posh hotel be wined and dined and go out drinking and getting to come back and have a full nights sleep whilst I'm here in tears and in pain looking after DS2 and he doesn't even bother to send a text or ask about him.

I'm ticked off and fed up and feel like he's an absolute prick right nowand wanting to send him a sarcy text saying "DS2 still in a bad way thanks for asking and no I'm not getting any sleep" but I won't because I know IBU and he is away for work not leisure (although it's a mix).

So here I'm sorry if I sound pathetic but I'm really tired and just needed to rant somewhere.
I shall go back to my sleeplessness and scratchy DS now.

OP posts:
Milkshakeminer · 25/07/2018 02:15

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, surely the children are his responsibility too and as you’re there for them 24/7 I think the least he could do is call and text.
I wish I had some wonderful advice but I have an 8yo who rarely sleeps so I’m clearly useless in that department!

MozzieMagnet · 25/07/2018 02:21

Oh noms Cake Brew
I absolutely get it. It is okay to vent.
My DP does a very accurate impression of me snarling (yes, snarling!) the words ''Clean sheets!'' Grin whilst accusing him of going off 'On a jolly'. our sheets aren't that bad honest But a nice quiet hotel room compared with co-sleeping causes much resentment/simmering my side especially if hangry/lonely/knackered/ill.
Flowers

NonaGrey · 25/07/2018 02:23

Oh dear OP you poor soul. You sound exhausted and at the end of your tether.

FlowersBrew

Both DH and I have spent periods of time working away over the years. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be even if you are in a nice hotel. Saying that I do understand how you are feeling.

I don’t think your DH is a prick. I think he’s doing his job. And no he shouldn’t neglect you either but sometimes the balance is tricky to get right.

When is he due Home?

Do you have family that could come to help out for a little bit?

Original poster
NomsQualityStreets · 25/07/2018 02:37

Thankyou for the replies. I put DS down just before I posted this as he seemed gone. He wasnt. I just spent the past half hour rocking him in his bed for him to sit up in the end and me having to pick him up again. He's a big baby and my back isn't great as it is. FFS I'm alternating between rage and verge of tears.
DP is back tomorrow I'm just annoyed that he's put no effort in even though sending a couple of texts takes seconds.
I wouldn't normally be this angry with him as I know it's work etc and DS isn't exactly a model sleeper but tonight is something else and I've never had a night as bad with either DC up until now and I keep thinking of DP in asleep in bed in a peaceful quiet room without a care in the world and I get wound up.

I've not had a full night's sleep for the past 8months.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2018 02:40

He doesn't know how bad it is. Tomorrow he be back. Hand children to him and sleep.

Can you express and get a full night at some point? I was sent actually literally clinically insane during the TWO YEARS DD didn't sleep.

NonaGrey · 25/07/2018 02:40

I've not had a full night's sleep for the past 8months.

I remember just how dreadful that feels.

I know you are feeding so it’s difficult but your DH needs to help you get some rest.

Tigger365 · 25/07/2018 03:00

I’d send the text, but I’m a bitch. Work or not they’re still his children and he shouldn’t need to be prompted to give a fuck.

Good luck OP Flowers

Milkshakeminer · 25/07/2018 03:03

Sleep deprivation is the absolute worse. My ds has never slept and currently sleeps about 3hours in the morning, luckily as he’s older I can doze on and off or I’d be done for!

Original poster
NomsQualityStreets · 25/07/2018 03:31

DS woke up at 1.20am he is still up. Still refusing feeds and arching his back and generally being a PITA to hold so I've put him back in his bed and ended up rocking yet again for the past half hour until he was completely still and silent for over 10 mins.

As soon as my back hits the mattress and I feel a bit of relief and alleviate the pain he's sat up wide awake.

I feel like I'm out.

OP posts:
Milkshakeminer · 25/07/2018 03:33

Is he colicky? Apparently if you lay a baby over your arm on their tummy they’ll sleep with colic like ‘tiger in the tree’

Original poster
NomsQualityStreets · 25/07/2018 04:07

No I don't think he's colicky. He has a mild temperature. Won't feed - last feed was 7pm.

OP posts:
Anxious2niteaaah · 25/07/2018 04:15

You can "still be on whatsapp" without actually being on whatsapp if you don't close the app after sending a message and just stuff the phone back in your pocket (I've done that several times) doesn't mean I'm talking to.someone , just that my whatsapp app is still open because it hasn't been closed

You sound tired, and not thinking straight, if dh is away on business then there's only so much he can do.from where he is, and he did come back to help.with putting ds to bed...

When dh comes back let him have the kids and you treat yourself to a nice relaxing bath time and some quiet me time or a nice naptime..

usernameismyusername · 25/07/2018 04:27

You're not being unreasonable at all. My dh regularly travels for work. He's cancelled in the past when we've been unwell. If he couldn't cancel he'd be sending his parents round if they could, checking on us and organising anything he could for us. Your dp needs to step up his parenting.

Zommum · 25/07/2018 04:32

Sending lots of love. When your dh gets back walk out the door and take a couple of hours for yourself. Xx

Pittcuecothecookbook · 25/07/2018 04:33

You can "still be on whatsapp" without actually being on whatsapp

The issue is that he has read it and ignored it, rather than him being 'online'. Also, being online would only last until the automatic screensaver came on (1 or 2 minutes probably), so not long at all.

Even if he'd not actually read it, but it registered as seen when whatsapp opened, he still didn't call on time after saying he would and still didn't get in regular contact after he knew their son was ill and he said he'd text.

You're not being unreasonable OP. He may be at work, but he could definitely explain that he has an ill son and excuse himself occassionally to check in with you.

I second him having the kids when he gets back - if you have expressed milk in the freezer, get it out so you can sleep as long as poss.

No advice about your son but sorry to hear how horrible tonight has been. Do you have family that could come help? Is it worth calling 111 to ask them? If he is exclusively BF and hasn't fed since 7pm, then they may have some suggestions for you.

Keep strong, you're doing amazingly

Coyoacan · 25/07/2018 05:34

Oh, you have all my sympathy, OP. I don't know if your DH is being unreasonable or not really, but hopefully you can just hand the children to him when he gets back and go to bed.

Sequencedress · 25/07/2018 05:51

You need a full night of sleep my love. When Dh next has time off (the weekend?) you hand him both kids, expressed milk (or formula if needed - fed is best IMHO) and get off to bed with earplugs in, and strict instructions you’re not to be disturbed until you surface, unless the house is burning down - all other eventualities can be dealt with by daddy. Whinging kids who want mummy aren’t a good enough reason to disturb you. Yes he’s working while he’s away, but he’s also getting undisturbed sleep, which you deserve too. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture, so you’ve got to take care of yourself and rest your sore back. Remind him you’re supposed to be a team, it doesn’t have to be an argument, and right now you need him to help out more.
Flowers

Queenofthestress · 25/07/2018 07:28

Do you have a fan? Try that, and alternate calpol & ibuprofen?

Achafi · 25/07/2018 07:42

Op YANBU anyone would feel like that what you're going through is so tough when my dh worked away at night and my ds wasn't sleeping I got my mum to stay with me because I couldn't cope so you are incredible.

Nikephorus · 25/07/2018 07:49

Perhaps at midnight DH assumed you would have managed to get to sleep and didn't want to risk waking you?
He did come back to help with bedtimes on Monday so he's not a complete bastard. But he is busy with work and even though you think he's living it up it's not that much fun having to be switched on for clients that much. I doubt he's having a whale of a time either, though granted he's getting miles better sleep and you feel like crap. Battle through it and when he comes home (and you've had some sleep!) mention that you'd have appreciated more contact so he knows for the future.

Original poster
NomsQualityStreets · 25/07/2018 08:08

Anxious well yes it's hard to think straight when you've got an 8month old crying his eyes out and not settling down for hours on end in the middle of the night...

He was up until 4.30am and then had about an hour. Then another 45mins only if I rocked him. He's woken up crying and has carried on crying. Won't BF goes for boob but won't latch on just bites and I've had to express this morning as my boobs were like rocks.

I've tried to feed him the expressed milk out of a beaker and bottle. He's had a few sips but keeps biting the beaker and chewing his hand. Does it sound like teething?

I'm currently rocking him in his bouncer and he seems to be dosing off again. Waiting for gp to open and I think I'll ask for a call back if there's no improvement after he wakes.

To the poster suggested I let him look after DS tonight. It won't work. I BF and won't be able to express enough anyway and I'm a SAHM and he works so night wakings are my job.

I'm surprised I'm still functioning and fairly awake today...

OP posts:
TitsalinaBumSquash · 25/07/2018 08:21

Could it be teething if he's biting?

Whatever it is i feel for you, I wouldn't be able to avoid resentment for my DH in the same scenario.
When he gets back, hand over DS go and have a hot bath and a sleep. Let his deal with him, after all he's well rested and you're not.

Ethylred · 25/07/2018 08:21

Will you vent all this on your husband when he returns? If so, how will that improve matters? How will each of you feel?

Shednik · 25/07/2018 08:41

Can you bring ds in your bed so you can at least lie down?

It doesn't matter if dh has to go to work. What he needs to do is get up with the children and just bring the baby to you when he needs feeding, and leave you to sleep as long as you need to.

Lifeisabeach09 · 25/07/2018 08:54

Sounds like teething.
Get him something for gums-Bonjela.
Paracetamol and ibuprofen.
Next time baby pulls an all-nighter-stick him in the bath. It's distracting and relaxing.

Chunks of carrot and cucumber to gnaw at??

Supplement with formula and give the kids to DH for one or two nights over the weekend or ask him to book some annual leave.

You need a break.

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