to hope that DS, late 20s, will want, finally, to get off the streets?

[Anwen88]

Oldest DS, late 20s, has been homeless unless recently, for a long time. We lost contact when he walked out and from then on did everything we could to find him, to support him (wherever he was) and we always held out hope that he'd come home. During his long absence from us, he moved all over the country and, because of MH difficulties, was hospitalised.

DS was not good to younger siblings growing up and they, sadly but understandably, don't really miss him. DS came back into our lives some months ago - quite by chance.

To jump forward to now - we finally found DS somewhere to stay. A hostel which provides some support and hope for longer term prospects. He's physically and mentally fragile and very vulnerable. Hasn't any fight in him - has difficulty walking and communicating after years of rough sleeping.

Tonight, after only a few nights in this place, we got a call to say that he wasn't there. I am so tired - tired of the years of looking for him - tired of the months of struggling to find him health care and accommodation when he was never in one place at a time. Of forking out for hotels when we have very little money, of buying clothes and mobile phones for DS to find that he's sold or discarded them, Tired of nights recently spent with him in hospital when he was told that any more nights on the street and he might die. Hence the discharge to where he is now. Tired of nights awake, anxious and crying.

Have to be up for work in the morning. DH too - but he's gone off to try to find DS in one of his old haunts and do all he can to get him back to the hostel.

DS, after such a peripatetic lifestyle, finds it so hard to be in a community, abide by rules (which aren't that strict) and to communicate what he wants to anyone.

Just when I thought we'd turned the corner - getting health services involved, a roof over his head, food inside him and sleep - he was completely exhausted - this happens. Waiting with my phone. Dreading a call from DH to say that he can't find him.

AIBU to think that DS, no matter what his state, should try to spare a tiny thought for his mother who is tired, beyond worried and wondering where, after so many months of trying everything humanely possible to house and support him, she goes next?

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how awful this must feel. You must be completely on your knees with exhaustion emotionally.

I can't offer any trite optimistic words but I just wanted to hand hold and also say how much I admire you for determinedly sticking by him through all the years he's been in this difficult situation. Many parents wash their hands of their kids a lot sooner to preserve their own sanity. You sound like an amazing mum.

Thank you so much for such kind words. DH has just come home. Could not find DS. Hostel have called police and safeguarding team. I'm unlikely to sleep but DH doesn't think there's any point in looking further tonight. He has no friends locally so really no leads. Maybe leave it to the police for now - and thank goodness the hostel night staff are being supportive. Thank you again - I read your kind words out to DH.

Why does he believe he can’t come home? You are clearly doing all you can why does he refuse your help? It sounds like a living hell,

I'm so sorry you're going through this tonight and for all the horrible days and nights you've ever had.

Hi, could it be that although it’s a terrible situation, it’s one he is used to and is worried about being in a situation he isn’t used to?
I was homeless a few times and I didn’t think about anyone, not to intentionally want them to worry, I just didn’t have the mental energy if that makes sense? I was a lot younger though. I eventually changed my life around but it took a fair few years. All you can do really is let him know you’re there for him and I know it must be so difficult but try not to worry x

I second what Motoring has said above ^.

Of course YANBU in thinking that your DS should spare a thought for you, but it sounds very much as if he's not even sparing a thought for himself and his own well being at present.

It seems you've done everything you can possibly think of to help him, you've offered him everything you have to give, and it's now up to him to choose to accept your help, which must be incredibly hard for you.

Perhaps he feels unworthy of everything you're doing for him, after years of relying on and answering to only himself. I'm sorry I don't have any answers, but I hope that your husband is able to find him quickly and return him to safety so that you can all get some much needed rest.

What a long hard journey for your whole family. No advice but thinking of you and your DH- am sure you have done everything a parent could do to support him. Hope he is located soon and safe and will give the hostel a go.

What a hard place you are in. So much to bear, and no real way to control the situation. You sound like a lovely mum. I hope there is a good outcome to this, but it may take time 💐

I deal with a lot of homeless people through work. A surprising number of them actually have rooms in shelters or hostels but don’t like to stay there; theft is a big problem and they can be pretty horrible places. It made no sense to me at first, I used to think any bed/room would be preferable to sleeping outside but so many of the people I’ve met just aren’t comfortable there. Is he involved with drugs at all?

you know what.if your son has all these issues he probably actually feels for you more than you could ever know.and infact they will be adding lots of his confusion and not being able to stay rooted or safe.that not saying tha tto make you feel bad.no no no!i just don't want you to think he doesn't care when infact people with mental health issue like you've described in your boy actually feel for people more deeply than they can compute often leading to more guilt often fueling the feelings and issues they have.that doesn't mean he can change or do anything about them no matter how much he loves you.that not how mental health works.its cruel and you can tchange for love.just like a tumour wont stop growing because the cancr sufferer loves their mum.its an illness.a set of horrible issues im sure exhausts him too.
but im sorry as a mum and someone who cares so deeply that this is happening for you.you must feel strung out and your nerves shot to pieces.i cant offer advice really.or what will ease this.as that what love does when someone is in pain.it hurts all involved.
keep trying.but keep giving you and you dh some self love too.step away and do stuff for yourself.going out or even just a movie night in.keep restoring that big inside of you that needs looking after.
your doing all you can and that is amazing.you and you dh sound wonderful.he might not show or ever say it.but to him this will mean the world.and ur fight for him has kept him alive.he might not be doing it strongly or in the way wed all wish for him but he still here.that your fight that kept him safe.and the strength in you has been given to him in lots of ways that Is how he still in any small way still fighting.becasue he will be.to be moving about and breathing it means he fighting hard it seems.
your not alone.many people im sure will feel your pain and have been through If not the same then similar.of having ur child in trauma.its awful awful awful.it hits the heart.its hurts the head.it plays with your thoughts at every waking moment.
don't lose heart. there is always something beautiful to be found in your days.be it a cup of tea.a 5 minute breather watching your dh or children doing daft thing together.try and seek out those moments that keep you yourself feeling sane and safe.

if he doesn't feel able to move to a new home.or get the help he needs.is there any other way of approaching this.
start trying to make him and you feel better about things again.together.simple thing to give him a boost and see life can be ok sometimes.a meal out.coffee in the park or a short walk with the family.any little things to break up the day of painful stuff can help sp much.that chink of light for him and then for you lot too.
could you start again that way.no strings no big this is the plan to make son "well,home,taken care of" etc but just small steps into finding eacohter again.just coming round for an open invite to a low key bbq or going to sit and feed the duck.serious low ebb stuff that just opens that relationship and togetherness again.

I have no idea if this story will help but I hope it does. I have worked for 25 years with homeless people. I was working one night and was writing a mother's day card for my mum. A guy in the shelter in his 30s came up and asked what I was doing. I told him and he said he hadn't spoken to his mum for years. He said that he might send her a mother's day card too. He had serious drug and mental health issues. But was one of my favorite clients. I left work a few months later on maternity.

A year later I bumped into him with DD. He cooed over her. She's always been a great judge of character and the toothless, skinny bloke who leaned over her got gurgles because she senses he's a good bloke. He said his mum replied and they got back in touch. He is now housed and healthy (you know, for a given value).

It is never too late. You don't have to rescue him for him to recover. You parented him and clearly love and care for him. That is still there, somewhere inside. Parenting and shelters and MH care and all that stuff is seeds. Sometimes they don't grow. Sometimes they grow and sometimes they take years to grow. It doesn't mean it's wasted. Please take care of yourself, your other DC and your OH.

mrsterrypratchett that was so beautiful to read.that last paragraph needs writing in bold on every billboard to with mental health its exactly right!

mrsterrypratchett that’s so beautifully put and I’m going to steal those words if that’s ok, I’m struggling with my son and that resonates with me so much

milkshakeminer those words are indeed so perfect aren't they.sorry your struggling.keep going.just keep on going.

kateandme and MrsTerryPratchett put it so well there's nothing more to add. Just to say OP I hope you get some rest tonight amid all the stress. Both my DBs have (different) MH issues and it's so frustrating trying to "make them see sense". But it's their disordered thinking that prevents them being like the rest of society. All you can do is all that you are self-evidently doing...coming up with solutions and constantly caring. Best wishes from an online stranger who has massive respect for you. Hope you can soon find some tranquility. x

Just sending a hug OP, your post and many of the replies have affected me deeply. I don’t think I can add anything much to what has already been said.
Your son is an adult, and choosing to live his life his own way. He will always know that he has your unconditional love. You are wonderful parents.

deal with a lot of homeless people through work. A surprising number of them actually have rooms in shelters or hostels but don’t like to stay there; theft is a big problem

Yeap, unfortunately that is true. A blind man I know had his cane stolen in a hostel.

So sorry your family is going through this, OP.

You sound like the most wonderful parents. I think you've done everything possible. I hope you find some peace x

for you OP.

I cannot imagine how you must feel xx

I just shed a few tears at this thread ( it's a little close to home)

I wish you well

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I work with homeless people too. The transition from rough sleeping to being settled is a tough one, and there are often many, many false starts along the way. Please don't be discouraged. The fact that he stayed in the hostel for a while is a good sign, and he may well return.

The fact that you love him and want to help him will be a great help.

I am sorry that you are in this situation OP.

It is awful when we feel powerless and unable to control a situation like this.
I think you must focus on what you can control.

Your response to the situation.

No matter the life that your son is living you still have your life to live too.
His life however hard is not worth wasting your life.
That would be a tragedy.

By all means support him, do what you can- but you must find some separation so that in the midst of all this you too have a life worth living.
I would speak to your GP- not about him, but about you, some counselling may help you to compartmentalise some of your feelings, so that you can rest on a shelf your feelings surrounding your son and allow you some happiness in your own life.

I'm not suggesting for a second that you stop caring or loving or supporting him, but to find a place for yourself that you are not feeling overwhelmed and living your life in pain.

I don't mean to sound brutal, but his life is not your life.
Your own life is important too- not just for you as a person to find your own joy, but to allow you to be be joyful to your OH, to your other kids.

The impact of your son's troubles is spreading to all your family members.
You may feel powerless in getting him to change his life, but you do have the power to lessen the impact it has on you, your OH and the lives of your other kids.

I hope you find some peace of mind.

I have no experience of your situation so can send you nothing but love and wish you well, but I also thought that these two links might be of interest for you,

This first one is Petition that the sister of a man in a similar position to your son set up. It’s very sad, but very inspiring reading. In the comments there’s lots of personal stories from people who were homeless themselves and managed to make it out and other families that have experienced the same. I thought maybe reading these might help you. It always helps to find connection to those that understand the situation you are in. Maybe even some of the stories/people will be a useful connection. www.change.org/p/award-families-greater-authority-in-the-decision-making-process-concerning-treatment-for-loved-ones-experiencing-mental-ill-health

This second one is a project in Edinburgh, social bite village, that is trying a new approach to homelessness. They have built a village from shipping containers and offer the community full time access to support services aimed at helping people cope with being housed and transitioning into living differently. Amazing project. Thought it might inspire you and who knows, maybe the connection will help. social-bite.co.uk/the-social-bite-village/

You sound like an amazing mum. I hope you are able to find some peace from your pain. If your ds were able to think clearly I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to be suffering in this way.