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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go back?

48 replies

Oneinthegrave · 24/07/2018 23:23

Was supposed to be going out for a meal tonight to ‘celebrate’ DP’s 29th birthday. Just him, me and DS (11 months).
Once again, the evening was ruined because his pure lack of respect for me, the way he spoke to me was vile and we didn’t even make it to the restaurant. He called me every name you could think up, and also told me the only reason we’re together is so he can see DS everyday. At that, I packed and left and I’m currently staying on my dads sofa with DS in a travel cot.

For the last 3 years, I have bent over backwards for this man, driven him to work and back, driven the 30 mile round trip 3 times a week to collect SDS and take him to school, he never cooked a meal and any time he cleaned he acted as though he’d done the greatest thing known to mankind. He would wash the pots then throw in my face ‘you couldn’t even be bothered to wash up because you’re a fat lazy bitch’.

He got up with our son so I could work 4 mornings a week in a crappy cleaning job but refused to have him for an hour at the weekend while I complete my degree coursework because ‘he’s done his bit’.

All the above is just the tip of the iceberg which includes SS, DV, assault, control, isolation, alcoholism, drugs.

So please mumsnet, can anyone tell me why I still want to go back?! He’s text to say he wants us to be a happy family, that he’s willing to fight for us and this is his ‘wake up call’...

What do I do?!

OP posts:
Celticmombella · 24/07/2018 23:25

CF... Leave him and don't go back... Better off without him.

Daisymay2 · 24/07/2018 23:27

Stay away. He is vile.

Anxious2niteaaah · 24/07/2018 23:29

Op don't fall for it...he will sweet talk you until you weaken and then it will be the same old crap again and again...

Strengthen yourself by remembering why you left and the way he has treated you...

You are free, stay at your dad's and let your dad help you so that you can get your life back on track, you don't want to be with a man who sounds vile, you deserve to be with a man that loves you and treats you with respect and kindness...

Please don't go back,

Doyoumind · 24/07/2018 23:31

Don't go back. He's an abusive twat. What sort of a role model is he for your DS? Speak to Women's Aid, use your family for support and plan the rest of your life without him.

Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 24/07/2018 23:32

Anxious - you just made me cry! Thankyou. I guess I know that really, I just need to stay focused

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 24/07/2018 23:32

You absolutely don't want to go back OP. You may be sad at the end of an era, but try to look forwards, not back. It sounds like my worst nightmare! Shock

Bramble71 · 24/07/2018 23:33

Why do you want to go back? Even after 3 years of misery, violence, abuse and disrespect, why?

Mrsharrison · 24/07/2018 23:33

Oh love, I've been there and i stayed too long. The fact you want to go back proves you're not ready to end it. Nothing we say will help you see sense. One day you will realise you no longer love him and you will end it. Until that day comes please look into the freedom programme.
Ps, this waster sees you as an object, not as a human being. Don't have any more kids with him.

Cozyblanket · 24/07/2018 23:33

Hold the thought of how he has treated you and stay with your dad where you're safe. Take care of yourself and your baby.

BastardGoDarkly · 24/07/2018 23:35

Oh god op.

I don't know why you'd want to go back, but please don't.

He's an abuser, your son will model his behaviour.

Stay away, get some counselling, any kind of help you can grab, get strong.

Do that, and you'll look back on this time, and shake your head in disbelief.

Don't do that, and he could kill you.

chickenschmicken · 24/07/2018 23:37

Oh OP you are a brave and strong women to have left. Your ds has a wonderful mummy and you need to put him first.
Do not listen to that pathetic excuse of a human. He's not a man and he's not a good father or role model.
You can do it alone, although sounds like your dad might be supportive?
Head over to the relationships boards where there are lots of fantastic women (and men) to give you more advice.
In the meantime, block his number so you can get your head straight.
You don't need him, you DESERVE more. You deserve to be loved and cherished not abused Thanks

JaniceBattersby · 24/07/2018 23:37

No, his wake up call should have been the first time he found himself swearing at you, the first time he emotionally abused you, the first time he found himself raising his hand to you. But he didn’t feel shame when he did those things and he repeated them which shows that, actually, he didn’t see anything wrong with them. It’s only now that you’ve left that he suddenly realises that he’s gone too far to keep you at his beck and call. It’s the cycle of abuse OP. Next time you might not be able to escape his fists.

You’ve done the hard part. Keep focused, keep looking forward, keep your eyes on the prize: a calm, loving and non-aggressive home for your child. Your ex will never be able to provide those things.

rainbowlou · 24/07/2018 23:43

Nope, nope, nope...he doesn’t get a wake up call..decent people don’t need one because they already respect partners and know how to behave towards others.
Stay with your dad and keep you and your little one safe.
My ex was abusive and I stayed for too long, I wish I’d had mn back then xx

Allthatsnot · 24/07/2018 23:44

Its an act and its all part of the control. He has had 3 years to get help, to be a proper family, he doesn't want it, but he know you do.
Every time you want to go back look at your son and imagine him growing older thinking that is how you treat women. You both deserve a million times better.
If you can get online look up the freedom project or call womens aid.
Don't go back, for you, for your son, for your dad.

billsbillsbillsbills · 24/07/2018 23:47

Think of it like this, your son is (I presume) seeing all of this. Leave him for the sake of your son because kids mirror behaviour.how would you feel if you found out in the future your son treated his girlfriend like this. Leave him. There is ALWAYS someone better for you. It may not be straight away you will be heartbroken and in pain for maybe a few months but when you find the right man who treats you like a princess and sets a great example for your son you will think what did I even see in that piece of crap!

Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 24/07/2018 23:50

Tbh I know all of this and thankyou for your kind words. I have no friends IRL anymore and just my dad.

The thing that’s so devastating is when I got SS involved as a last ditch attempt at getting him right for our son, he actually started to come right. He was getting drug counselling for his alcohol addiction and was engaging with SS, being honest with them. I though him not drinking would be the answer but it’s been over a month now with no alcohol that I know of and his language and way of speaking towards me is as bad as ever, no DV since being sober though.

How the heck do I arrange for him to have contact with DS now without seeming like a bitch? I don’t really want him there overnight yet because he’s quite unpredictable, but he was a good dad when he wanted to be... so torn

OP posts:
Mrsharrison · 24/07/2018 23:58

Don't worry about contact just yet. My friend had to leave because her young son was showing behavioural problems due to witnessing his mum being abused. Ss were involved and warned her she could lose her son if she didnt lose.
These men have no rights to see their children imo. So if you are serious and don't want your child taken away, start focusing on housing - can you call the council tomorrow?

Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 25/07/2018 00:03

Mrsharrison I’ve had to quit my job due to my dad living 35miles away from work, so alot of time on my hands now. I was planning on going to the council tomorrow both in the town my dad lives and where our ‘family home’ was to see what my options are.

OP posts:
CrazyDuchess · 25/07/2018 00:05

I am in my mid thirties.... I am now in the middle of deep CBT and antidepressants widhbi am starting to realise was from a horribly unstable childhood where my mother kept going back to my horribly abusive alcoholic dad......

Just think about that for a minute and ask yourself whether that is something you would willingly put your DC through.....

Allthatsnot · 25/07/2018 00:06

You could always look into a contact centre, there is quite a few free ones ran in church halls etc. Means you wouldn't have to have any contact with ex at all and your DC would still get to see their dad.

Bramble71 · 25/07/2018 00:10

Glad to hear you're making plans to find out what help you can get. You're thinking about moving forward with your life, not going back. I'm sure someone will be along with advice on contact. Hopefully someone will have advice on claiming benefits, too.

Don't go back, OP. You deserve better.

Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 25/07/2018 00:11

CrazyDuchess of course not. I’m not going back. I want to but I think that feeling will pass

OP posts:
Aintnothingbutaheartache · 25/07/2018 00:12

Oh OP. I’m so very sorry but I also get the horrible feeling that you’re going to go back.
Please don’t. Please take some time to really think about what your life is like with this man.
Surely you’ve seen enough. He won’t change. Dig deep and find the courage and strength to say “enough “
Don’t subject your son to this.

Maelstrop · 25/07/2018 00:12

Contact centre if his dad can actually be bothered.

Please don’t go back, OP. He is telling you who he is. Is this how you want your life to be and how you want you your ds to think relationships work?

CrazyDuchess · 25/07/2018 00:14

I really hope not OP..... Good luck