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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go back?

48 replies

Oneinthegrave · 24/07/2018 23:23

Was supposed to be going out for a meal tonight to ‘celebrate’ DP’s 29th birthday. Just him, me and DS (11 months).
Once again, the evening was ruined because his pure lack of respect for me, the way he spoke to me was vile and we didn’t even make it to the restaurant. He called me every name you could think up, and also told me the only reason we’re together is so he can see DS everyday. At that, I packed and left and I’m currently staying on my dads sofa with DS in a travel cot.

For the last 3 years, I have bent over backwards for this man, driven him to work and back, driven the 30 mile round trip 3 times a week to collect SDS and take him to school, he never cooked a meal and any time he cleaned he acted as though he’d done the greatest thing known to mankind. He would wash the pots then throw in my face ‘you couldn’t even be bothered to wash up because you’re a fat lazy bitch’.

He got up with our son so I could work 4 mornings a week in a crappy cleaning job but refused to have him for an hour at the weekend while I complete my degree coursework because ‘he’s done his bit’.

All the above is just the tip of the iceberg which includes SS, DV, assault, control, isolation, alcoholism, drugs.

So please mumsnet, can anyone tell me why I still want to go back?! He’s text to say he wants us to be a happy family, that he’s willing to fight for us and this is his ‘wake up call’...

What do I do?!

OP posts:

Anxious2niteaaah · 25/07/2018 00:16

Op of you want him to have contact with D's do it through a contact centre

Write down a list of all the crap and he'll he has put you through, every insult etc...and when you feel like going back or feel yourself weakening, read the list to strengthen you and remind yourself that you are a strong woman and that you won't go back, and that you deserve much better

Op don't worry about not having friends, you have mumsnet, we are all here for you...and I bet even if you didn't realise it, your ex probably drove away any friends one by one with his behaviour, that's what abusive partners do, they isolate and then are abusive and vile ....you are strong and took control of your life...op you should be so proud of yourself, your son when he grows up and you tell him this, he will be so proud of you too for getting him out of the toxic environment so he can have a lovely childhood with you...

Chasingcars123 · 25/07/2018 00:38

OP don't go back. You and your baby are safe now and you can start to move on without him. You think he loves you, he doesn't. Three years and no change. It's not going to change.

Ring Women's Aid and speak to them. They will help you see you are being abused. If you can't leave for yourself do it for your son.

It brings tears to my eyes thinking about your little boy being subjected to shouting and listening to you being abused. He deserves a happy home with a loving mum.

It won't get better, it will actually get worse. It's been 3 years and nothing has changed. Read your original post until the words sink in. You are in denial. Ring WA and get help to get away. You are being bullied and controlled. Who treats a defenceless mum and a little baby like that?

Thank God his other child doesn't live with him fulltime. He's a crap father to that little boy too.

Life can be so much better. You can access counselling to help you realise why you can't see what's happening to you and your son. You can be a happy mum with a partner who adores the ground you walk on and treasures your son.

Get away now and stay away.

Mrsharrison · 25/07/2018 01:14

Please think of your boy. My friend's son was slapping his own face from the stress of what he witnessed. My friend is soon moving into herown flat in her hometown miles away from her alkie ex.

dreaming174 · 25/07/2018 04:09

Dont do it!
This is not a normal relationship. He only wants you back because you're a doormat and put up with all his shit. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that's how women/girlfriends should be treated? Get some self respect. He doesn't love you or respect you.

You only live once. Is this how you want to spend yours??

Original poster

Oneinthegrave · 25/07/2018 08:50

Turns out the message he sent about fighting for us to be a happy family was sent while he was drunk... says it all really

OP posts:

OhHolyFuck · 25/07/2018 08:52

Please also look if there's anywhere near you that you could do the freedom programme

TheShapeOfEwe · 25/07/2018 08:53

Please don't fall for this. Words are cheap - it's his actions that count and he has spent years showing you exactly who he is.

You will be so much better without him, and your son will be too - he won't grow up seeing violence and aggression modelled by his father.

You deserve so much better than this.

BastardGoDarkly · 25/07/2018 11:50

How do you know that grave ?

What are your plans for today?

Original poster

Oneinthegrave · 25/07/2018 13:52

Bastardgodarkly- his alcohol worker rang me to say he’s asked for an emergency appointment with her because he’s been drinking all night and into the early hours.

My plans today are to chill out with my son in the garden, going to the council tomorrow and taking him to my dads caravan for a few days over the weekend

OP posts:

TistyTosty · 25/07/2018 13:58

You want (and deserve) something he can't give you, a respectful loving relationship.

Don't go back
Don't go back

Trinity66 · 25/07/2018 13:58

omg he sounds horrendous don't go back there, if not for yourself think about your son, do you want him growing up thinking that's how relationships are? Him potentially becoming like your partner or thinking it's ok to be treated like that?

arranfan · 25/07/2018 13:59

For anyone who needs them: Mumsnet discussion of Bancroft's Abuser profiles

OP - I can only agree that this is no relationship for you and your DS.

JellyBears · 25/07/2018 14:00

Don’t usually comment in these type of threads but I will this time. Please do not go back to this man. He doesn’t love or respect you. You’ll be better off without him.

Daisymay2 · 25/07/2018 17:22

Don't give him any credit for asking the alcohol worker for an emergency appointment. He realises he has gone too far and is trying to reel you back in. Even better, tell them you are not with him anymore so don't contact you. block the Ex on your phone

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/07/2018 17:28

Oh sweetheart WELL DONE for having the strength to leave.

Please please please do not ever go back or fall for his b*llshit. Imagine your DS growing up thinking it's how men should behave....

Do it for you. Do it for your son. Enjoy the next few days if you can - a trip to your Dad's caravan sounds like a brilliant idea.

You can do this.

billybagpuss · 25/07/2018 17:32

OP please do not go back!!

You feel you want to because you have been conditioned to believe that that is your life and where you belong. It isn't, there is so much more waiting for you.

I am sure it won't be long before you find more work soon and hopefully now you will have more time to do your degree too so 5 years down the line this will all be a distant nightmare.

Guitarlady · 25/07/2018 17:36

It took me too long to escape a relationship that was abusive on many levels. We have a DD together so I still have to deal with him, but life is so much easier now and my only regret is not leaving sooner.

Keep a log of everything. Write it all down including the dates times and names you were called. This will come.in handy if the asshole decides to go to court

c3pu · 25/07/2018 17:36

You're not in love with him, you're in love with the person you want him to be.

LTB.

Leeds2 · 25/07/2018 17:46

Do not under any circumstances go back to this apology for a man. If it helps, focus on what DS would witness if you were to return, and how that would impact upon his future.
Personally, I would try and find somewhere to live near your dad's, and try and build your new life for you and DS in an area where you know you will have help and support. You will also not be surrounded by memories. 35 miles isn't too far for the ex to travel to see his son, particularly if he has a car.
Also thing about the house/flat you have just left. Is your name on the mortgage/tenancy? Just remember that if it is, you might still be liable for mortgage payments/rent if your ex doesn't pay them, and also for bills such as electricity if these are in your name. If the home is in your name alone, either make a transfer of names, or get ex out.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 25/07/2018 18:01

You are not being unreasonable to WANT to go back. Actually doing it is a different matter. I’m all for second chances but it seems he’s had it and the has to be a cut off. He should now be getting his life on track for his son but your time together has come to an end. This is a good thing for you. You have healing and moving on to do and better future to look forward to. There are certain things that cannot be forgiven no matter how on track he gets. I’ve seen so many brave and wonderful ladies on here make this step. Don’t look back.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 26/07/2018 19:12

OP, I understand why you might feel that you want to go back. You have invested a lot of time and energy in the relationship, and it's a tough thing to admit that you can't fix it.
But you can't fix it.
If he genuinely feels that he has had a wake up call, then his behaviour will change. Give him a year.. See if he has changed enough to make you even consider trying to rebuild anything. But I suspect that he won't change at all, and that when you are clear and recovered from this relationship, you wo won't dream of entertaining his nonsense again.
In short, don't go back.

Cismyass · 26/07/2018 19:22

You don't go bacm because to do so would risk SS taking your DS into care. (This happens to women who willingly return to abusers putting themselves and their DC at risk. That is enough. There is nothing he provides you can't find better elsewhere-Even down to sex, you have hands . Contact Womans'Aid, get on The Freedom Programme, get that degree finished and fly free.

WittyFuck · 26/07/2018 20:39

You have done the difficult bit by leaving. Don’t let this be for nothing by returning to someone who is not worthy to be your DP or a father.

Don’t worry about contact. Chances are he will need to focus on his own needs for a while. Only worry about what you have to worry about and build a life where you are both safe, AWAY from this man.

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