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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: To want 'my own car'?

57 replies

IronNeonClasp · 24/07/2018 21:29

I share 'my' car with my ex-h. Whoever has the kids has the car. Been like this for 14m. Worked at first but only have one key which I hand deliver to him after every school run, 10m walk to station and half hour on train (£25 a week). And I am bored of sharing the car with him.

He's taking the kids away next week for the week and taking the/my car.

My Dad told me "I am mental" considering getting a car (and giving ex the existing bloody car). My Dad pays for its servicing so obviously what he says goes but I pay the monthly 'joint' insurance.

I've found a car for £200 I'd like to buy myself so I am rid of this shit. I'm mid-40's; full-time job and it seems I am unable to take risks and make decisions without my Dad's permission.

I'm having difficulty ascertaining whether I'm being spoilt and un-realistic?

Help?

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 24/07/2018 22:05

A £200 car isn’t going to solve this; it’s pretty unlikely to last long/be trouble-free. If you must, give him the £200 so he can buy it - but he is not your responsiblity any more.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2018 22:09

No one’s perfect love. Whatever you’re blaming yourself for you need to focus on what’s best for you and your children. Which is you and your ex having firm boundaries and you not bending over backwards to make up for HIS failings.

You’re not doing him any favours by letting him rely on you rather than standing on his own two adult feet.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 24/07/2018 22:12

Great advice - thanks Anne.

OP posts:
Gorrillagirlfanclub · 24/07/2018 22:33

Can you not just buy another key for the existing car? I know they can be pricy but surely cheaper than another car?

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 24/07/2018 22:43

I lost my car fob last year so down to one key. Took it to Timpson and the guy fucked it up and nearly fucked the car door lock. Asked ex to do it and then became a head in the sand kind of mission. So no.
And now I just want rid tbh.

OP posts:
rickandmorts · 24/07/2018 23:06

OP why don't you tell your ex you're taking back the car. Sell it, put the costs towards the car you want. Sorted!

TheGr3atEscapez · 24/07/2018 23:13

My current car cost under £1000, I travel lots of miles. It's old, cheap to run, insurance, breakdown cover. What's holding you back from being independent ?

outofmydepth45 · 24/07/2018 23:19

You have your own car ! Don't let other people take your stuff also your ex is not entitled to child tax credits if he doesn't have them the majority of the time

TrippingTheVelvet · 24/07/2018 23:22

Don't buy a car at 200 quid. There's cheap banger and then there's so cheap, there's definitely something wrong with it.

Ghanagirl · 24/07/2018 23:23

A car for £200???

Grobagsforever · 24/07/2018 23:24

But @IronNeonClasp WHY DOES YOUR DAD GET ANY SAY? You can do whatever you want with the car - it's registered to you, Who cares what his opinion is of anything???

I'm utterly, utterly confused. Help is not help if it comes with conditions.

itsbetterthanabox · 24/07/2018 23:25

If you are the main carer and the resident parent you won't have to pay maintenance- he will. It doesn't matter that you earn more.
Trade in your car for a one you like. It's your car. Nothing to do with your ex.
If you want to you could lend it to him occasionally to take the kids somewhere further away. But you are no means obliged to. It's up to him to take them out in his own car or through other means of transport.

Grobagsforever · 24/07/2018 23:27

Hang on - also why did you let your dad spend your trade in money on a car you hate? Jesus wept woman.

  1. Sell the car and get whatever car you can afford

  2. Tell your Dad to butt out

  3. Tell your ex to buy his own car.

  4. You're the resident parent, he can't ask you for child support

  5. Pop over to feminist chat on here and GET MAD at how not one but two men are controlling you

forgotMyusernameAgain · 24/07/2018 23:50

Also work out what he should pay you in child support as you are the resident parent and tell him that as he is not the resident parent he should stop claiming what is rightfully yours so you can put your claim in. Doesnt matter if you earn more, he needs to sort that one for himself

Leeds2 · 24/07/2018 23:54

Your car is your car. Stop lending it to him.

Saltandsauce · 25/07/2018 00:04

I’m flabbergasted at this thread.
Honey, that’s your car! Stop giving it to him to use! I get that it means the kids get driven about while with him, but it’s up to him to organise that, not you!
You are obviously being far too kind, and caring too much about other people’s opinions, but seriously, give your head a shake. Do not give the car to him! Trade it in for one you want, and tell him that the arrangement won’t work anymore and he has to sort his own transport from now on.
I hope you find the strength to actually do this, and have realised how silly this situation is now that MN has pointed it out!
Good luck xxx

blaaake · 25/07/2018 00:16

What the fuck? Tell him you can't lend him YOUR car anymore as it's not convenient. Also, you need to nip him claiming child benefit in the bud.

blaaake · 25/07/2018 00:17

Also please don't buy a £200 car. I used to own a used car dealership and it seriously won't do you any good. I'm happy to give advice if you pm me!

NonaGrey · 25/07/2018 06:14

I’m unclear why you would give your ex a car he hasn’t paid for?

If you give your ex the car he won’t be able to afford to run it anyway, so what’s the point?

Why is your Dad paying any of your bills? It seems to be giving him unreasonable control and information about your finances. Do put an end to that if you can.

You are not responsible for your Ex husband.

GabriellaMontez · 25/07/2018 06:22

Yanbu to want your own car! In fact you have one! Reclaim it.

Also start claimjng child benefit and maintenance.

Perhaps your ex needs to grow up and get a new job or another job.

Do You live with your Dad? Make plans to leave. Stop him having so much input. Who put him in charge of you?!

ShumpaLumpa · 25/07/2018 06:45

If you are the main carer I don't think you pay child maintenance?

How many nights does he have them?

You need to stop feeling responsible for him. Why all this guilt?

43percentburnt · 25/07/2018 06:49

Do you get the child benefit? Technically I don’t see how you would know he was fraudulently claiming tax credits for children he doesn’t have primary care for, he could (quite rightly) choose not to tell you. Why do you not claim child maintenance from him?

However you need to ensure you protect yourself as primary carer - and that doesn’t mean giving him the car to keep him sweet! I would take legal advice on this and complete a diary as far back as you can remember detailing what’s over nights you both have.

Is he insured correctly on the vehicle? Or registered at the correct address?

Quartz2208 · 25/07/2018 06:52

If you are divorced and main carer he won’t owe you anything

It sounds like your dad is on his side

GabriellaMontez · 25/07/2018 06:53

What exactly does your dad think is mental? Could it be giving your car away?

LotsToThinkOf · 25/07/2018 06:56

You might be divorced on paper but he's controlling your every move.

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