Have you ever had a “friend” who has made you feel inadequate all the time

[bigredbed]

I have a “friend” who keeps making comments all the time and acts holier than thou all the time. She did a lot of shit in her teenage years and mixed with the wrong crowd and now she’s married with kids she acts like her kids and her are perfect and is always judgmental about other people.

Example: she told me her husband took her 7 and 2 year old out and husband’s friend commented how well behaved they were. I was like, isn’t that normal for children that age, but she was adamant some people’s kids are like animals when they go outside 😕.

Another example, we had Meeting at school and at some point my shirt dress must have moved a bit around my bust so my bra was slightly showing from the gap. As we walked out she asked me if I was wearing a black bra and that she was trying to get my attention...I went home and checked in the mirror and it must have just been a small gap but she had to make a point about it like I was a hussy.

I’m hardly in contact with her, but every time I meet her she says something like this to me, and I dread the next time I meet her.

Then don't meet her. She sounds hugely insecure.

I would guess she's jealous of you for some reason.

My best friend does this. I think because she has nothing else to be smug about. Recent classic ' your kids will feel inferior to kids who have been to private school like mine '

LOL. She probably feels inferior, and needs to big herself up a bit. Just ignore.

I had a friend like this. She was obsessed with me being fat and used to make comments about my appearance all the time. I was a size 10 and she was a 16, gorgeous, but quite a bit bigger than me. She also got an amazing graduate job and made a big deal out of how her degree was more valuable than mine and she was already earning way more than me. Her boyfriend was older than us and much better looking and more successful than mine. There were plenty of other things, you get the jist, and I was starting to get pissed off with her. Didn’t have to do anything about it in the end as she shagged by less-amazing-than-hers boyfriend so that was the end of it

Yes. In my 20's, years ago. She was very confident, very extrovert and size 16. I was a size 10, with bad anxiety & social phobia: she constantly crticised my looks/my figure & my personality, which made me even more anxious. We didn't stay friends and I didn't miss her.

Yup! I'd first mention that I don't have lots of friends, otherwise I'd have 'lost touch' with her years ago, but since I've only got a couple, I put up with her.

There are a few subjects around which she will get in these little comments, specifically designed to make be feel bad and herself feel superior. The main thing is that she's loaded. Her, her husband and both their families have millions - she once 'dropped into conversation', casually, as you do; "My Mum's never comfortable unless she's got £1,000,000 in an instant access account". I, on the other hand, am perpetually skint. My husband and I both work, but don't earn a fortune and neither of us comes from money. She is constantly mentioning all the expensive things she's thinking of doing or buying, the new house they might buy ("of course they're asking a couple of hundred thousand too much, but we're likely to make £700,000 when we sell our place so it's not a big deal"), I'll suggest a picnic in the park with the kids and she'll say "No, let's go to this new restaurant - they have a lunch menu for only £25 a head!" She has no concept of what it means to not be able to afford something and makes these little digs at me (and yes, I'm also probably a bit paranoid too) about how rich she is and how poor I am.

I know these comments come from her own insecurity, but it does make me feel crappy and a bit worthless. My family think I should ditch her and avoid her like the plague, but we've been friends for over 30 years and it's just become a case of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer!

I wouldn't hang around with someone like this. I'd remove her number from my phone and just get on with my life.

BigRed you never have to spend time with someone who deliberately makes you feel bad about yourself.

However, in my experience the kind of people who do this are usually shoring up their own insecurities so the best thing to do is just smile politely and feel quietly sorry for them.

Eleanor Roosevelt (who was a pretty awesome woman) famously said:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Your “friend” can be as rude as she likes, you can decide how to feel about it.

If you don’t respect her opinions then it doesn’t matter what she says. Just give a knowing smile and ignore.

I’m not sure what her insecurities are, she’s richer than me and has family to look after her kids all the time. Whereas I’m drained from working, being a mother and not really getting a break like she does everyday. I do dread school holidays when I know I’ll be alone with the kids for a majority of the time. She once made a face at me and told me she loves school holidays and loves the kids (only 1 school aged child 😒) being at home. But they’re not at home. They’re with her mum.

Thanks for all your kind comments. I do smile and nod but it hurts after hearing things over a while. Luckily I hopefully won’t see her all summer, so that’s good!

Yup. Even when she knew that we were struggling financially she'd invite us to expensive dinners, etc (knowing we'd have to say no) and always talk about her holidays, and implying that my kids were being "left out" by not going to expensive summer camps.

We fell out over something not connected to money, but I am so much happier not having her in my life.

She’s not our friend.

Your

I did have a friend like that don't see her much anymore. She was the same the whole time growing up. When I had a casual relationship and she was in a LTR she gave me a patronising speech that I was being used and sex was a personal thing and shouldn't happen outside of a relationship. A few years later I was in a serious relationship and she was sleeping around suddenly she thought I was putting all my eggs in one basket and it was unhealthy to be so tied down. When DH and I were living abroad she was in the UK and had bought a house she was always making comments asking me when I'd move back and buy a house and how awful it must be for me (we loved the chance to live abroad and had told her so) but then I'd never really known a settled life so I must be used to "making do with what I had". I think she was just insecure but it sill annoyed me.

@BetsyBigNose Love the idea of someone having a million pounds in an instant access account, earning virtually no interest whatsoever. That woman needs a better accountant!

I ditched a friend earlier this year because of this. She was married and had two DC who she home educated and she was incredibly sanctimonious at times. Forever putting me down over my life and decisions but I knew for a fact her marriage was far from perfect and her husband actually sounded like a selfish prick tbh. She liked to portray the perfect life to the outside world but I knew different. I’d just had enough and deleted her.

It probably makes her feel better about herself, you’re better off without. I feel so much lighter without that ‘friend’ in my life.

Emotional vampires OP, these people feed off your negative emotions. I would and have distanced myself from people like this, not only because it’s disrespectful but because it can really swipe at your self-esteem.

"My Mum's never comfortable unless she's got £1,000,000 in an instant access account"

I wouldn't nod and smile at that. I'd have to say (at the very least): "Have you any idea how ludicrous that sounds?!" and hand her a big eff-off grip! Likewise just tell her that £25 a head is a lot of money for most people and she should go work in a soup kitchen to get some perspective. Or just have a picnic and not be such a twat. You have nothing to feel bad about. She sounds bored (and boring) and insecure.

NC for this one. I have a long-standing 'friend' many years who at one time would have trusted with my life but over the years has become hard work, with put downs and passive agressive comments that would have me rattled long after any meet up.

Would be happy to never see her again, but didnt want any drama (we work and socialise in mutual circles) so no longer make any active effort to see her although she tries to keep up sporadic contact. How I manage meet ups with her now is to keep time controlled (e.g. coffee at lunchtime or before I have to be somewhere else so no lingering too long) and tell her nothing of real signficance about my life or if anything is rattling me so she cannot use it for sarky remarks. e.g. in your example of the school holidays when the subject came up I would say nothing but positive 'wont it be a lovely break if the weather keeps up/am looking forward to garden games/have stocked up on goodies' etc even if I were actually dreading it inside. It is strange really, as on the surface my friend has everything she set out to have, lovely DH, nice kids, big house etc so not sure why she feels it necessary to put me down as my life certainly hasnt been all gloss and fun. Maybe its a control thing, playground mentality.

Anyway if you can't cut your 'friend' out altogether, keep your distance, tell her nothing of importance about your life and be positve - the less she has to hook onto to wind you up the better.

Good tip. This is what I’ve tried to start doing now with her. Keep up the pretence that I’m looking forward to holidays and everything is fine and dandy. It’s shit because I have work colleagues who aren’t my bffs but even they agree that school holidays are tough and that it’s something they dread. So making someone feel bad for wanting a break from their children is really cruel, especially when you have help on tap yourself.

Over compensating for mis spent youth. If you want to be as annoying as her you could remind her of those days by telling her how you were chatting to x the other day and how surprised x was that she had such an interesting past. But probably best to just get a new friend.

Op. Back off. I spent too long wrangling with myself why my friend was always putting me down, was I being sensitive etc.

You'll never know why but she hurts you. You don't need that.

I have a friend who makes me feel inadequate but not by saying anything - just by being!

She's accomplished - she's a doctor, house with mortgage paid off (as I understand it), holidays on a regular basis etc, runs, plays netball, involved in many things.

She's pretty - tall, slim, good dress sense

She's lovely! Kind, friendly, easy going.

She's a great mum. Her kids are very, very well behaved, certainly whenever I've been around her.

She's wanted - she's begged by others to do things - run swimming lessons, first name on any get-together list etc.

Me? I'm larger than I'd like to be, too loud, crap hair, crap clothes, ASD child so appears badly behaved (he's not really, but people just see the meltdowns, and tbh, he is a little shit at times too), crap job, house is fine but needs work, no money etc etc. You get the picture.

She's absolutely lovely, and I've no doubt she has her own issues that I will never know about, but boy do I ever feel crap about myself when we see her. Mind you, it's not hard for me to feel bad about myself, I'm not worth much.

I've distanced myself from one friend who constantly made comments about how messy my house was and used to ask after every parent's evening how my child got on as she perceived my child as stupid and hers as a genius.
Every time I saw her I'd come away feeling shit about myself so I solved the problem.
I don't wish her any harm but I had to keep myself sane.

OP I had a "friend" like that... Friend in loose term!!! Belittling me behind my back all nice to my face.

Told an old friend from school we hadn't seen for years that I didn't want to meet them when they had returned from overseas.. Only found out when saw photos on FB and told old friend I didn't know you were home. She said "friend" said I didn't want to meet her!!!! I set old friend straight on that.

Made plans with friends and said she asked me but hadn't and made excuses for me not being there!!!!

She lived her fathers rental property, never ever worked, and was going on and on about how she doesn't have to pay rent and that "Daddy" (Lady in her late 30s) will get in painters anytime she wants place painted.... Every few months when she saw someone had done up there house. Saying that Daddy is paying for her new tyres, car insurance etc. No concept of real life!!!

I bought myself some nice jewellery and she said I'd never buy jewellery for myself... I'd expect daddy or partner (single at time) to buy it for me!!!!

I stopped returning calls and made myself less available. I actually lost some friends that I thought were friends as she was saying I was being mean to her and not returning calls to her and spread some rumours. End of day karma got her back about lies and I got apologies from some friends.

She has a daughter now, but that is a whole other story and the poor girl is going to be in therapy when she is older.

RANT OVER!! 🤣 🤣 🤣