Some parents are far too involved in their kids lives

[Liesdamnlies40]

First post on here!
Someone I know at school told me today that they had been to see the teacher as they didn’t feel their child’s school report adequately represented their child’s ability so they complained. I was really shocked- I trust what the teacher has said to me as they are the ones teaching my child.
The said parent is very helicopter with their child- vets play dates carefully and only certain kids are allowed around their house etc

Aibu to think this is quite a big level of involvement. I am obvs interested in how my child is doing but I wouldn’t interfere with school reports etc.

Surely if you think something doesn’t accurately represent a situation you would question it? Not in an attacking way but if there is a big difference between two settings then I think it makes sense to have a discussion in case anything needs to change

But I think my point is that how would I know my child’s academic ability in the detail a teacher does? They are the teachers- I don’t know the national curriculum in that much detail so who am I to assess if they are at a certain level.

I think it depends on how off base the report was. If my child had a report which I felt was so out of kilter then I would query it in case the teacher was not even fundamentally aware of who my child is or I’d worry that my kid was being overlooked in some way. However I do see what you mean and some parents can be incredibly overbearing. I think they’ll have a shock when they’re adults.

I don't think that in itself is a sign of helicoptering... I do know some parents who are very protective but did justifiably complain about their child's report as it did seem to misrepresent some aspects of how they were in class (the child's friends agreed with this).

Snowflake parenting to the extreme (on her part).

I used to work at a school and this is becoming more and more common. Parents think they know/can direct what goes on in the classroom.
Most parents don't realise that their children can be very different at school than they are at home. For example my child always had reports saying she was too quiet and should speak up more. This used to make DH and I roar with laughter because she never bloody shut up at home.

You can’t assess in detail but most parents have a vague idea where their child is, or what their reports normally so so if it is way off why wouldn’t you question it? In fact it could be argued that to not question it would show a lack of concern about educational progress.

I would definitely speak to the teacher if I thought the report didn’t reflect my child’s abilities, either too low or too high. It would concern me if I thought they were out of step with the evidence I was seeing at home. Perfectly normal, decent parenting in my view.

What age group are we talking?

So you get wrong information about your child from a professional they are under and you just leave it?

So in the same situation you wouldn't want to know why your child was underperforming in school compared with what you had seen at home and for the school to know that something was going on?

You should try working in a school.

A couple of years ago we had a parent tell our Headteacher that he wanted him to ring him to discuss any sanction issued before it happened so that he could make the decision as to whether or not it should stand.

But I think my point is that how would I know my child’s academic ability in the detail a teacher does?

Oh good grief.

If your child achieves a grade of 'C' and the teacher comments that this is a "satisfactory" result, and you know he is capable of an 'A', wouldn't you question that teacher?
The teacher may be satisfied with 'C', but you shouldn't be.

But my point is how would you know in that level of detail if they were good at science for example? We are talking the difference between at expectation and above expectation- not massive differences. I think it’s more that the parent has certain expextations of their child and doesn’t like it that the child is more average than they thought. If it was wildly out- like I think my child can read but they can’t then obvs I would question that.

You say play dates, so we’re not talking about a secondary aged child. Surely you read and do homework with your primary aged child. If you thought the teacher was very much under or estimating their abilities as demonstrated at home you wouldn’t flag this up? Engaged parents are one of the key factors in educational success, just saying...

Tbh I rang up school last week to ask why my daughter was in the English set she had been given (they are doing the first 2 weeks of September’s timetable)

Turns out she was in the wrong set. Teachers make mistakes and as a parent it is my job to advocate for my children. I approached it by asking why she was in the set she was which prompted her teachers to look more closely.

My cousins teach primary age and this is incredibly common. Thank fuck I teach adults, I wouldn’t have the patience with the parents whatsoever.

My younger cousin is 24 and has had various parents complaining that she is too young and doesn’t know what she’s doing whenever she dares to tell their precious children off. She regularly has protests from parents at parents evening too from parents who don’t believe their children are ‘under achieving’, suppose she is lying then .

But let’s say they are in year 4 and every other report has said “are expected level” and then suddenly it changes to “working towards” why wouldn’t that make enquiries as to if there was something happening to cause the change?

Presumably they knew what to expect from previous communications from the school (last year's result, parent teacher meetings etc) and this was not in line with what they've been told. So they're trying to find out why their child's performance has slipped. Seems reasonable to me (as long as they're working in partnership with the school, not going in simply to blame the teacher).

This sounds like the sort of thing a relative of mine would. It resulted in her being banned from school premises and getting a criminal conviction after the school called the police as she became very abusive and pushed the headteacher.

She's got no life bar her children and gets far too involved. She's convinced the teachers have it in for her children. She literally has nothing outside her home life, no job/hobbies/friends. It's actually quite sad.

How can you be 'too involved' in your child's life when they are young enough to have play dates? Of course you would want to know why they were failing academically.

I've always known my child's ability and made it my job to know.
i'm a qualified teacher but did this for a good 10 years before qualifying.
Do you not teach them what the school doesn't manage/ what they struggle with. Do you listen to reading every night and do spellings. Do you work through fun activity educational books with them, play board games?
By Law, your child's education is your responsibility, sure you can outsource it to a school, but you do need to have an input too. I use the council to dispose of my waste, I have to manage the bins, taking them out, bringing in, the right things in each bin. I go to the tip if we have too much. I don't just expect bin men to manage my waste.

I think it depends how different the school report was to their actual ability. If I had a report saying my reception child hadn't learned to blend but at home they were reading Roald Dahl independently I'd definitely what to query it - not because I think the school report matters but because I'd be concerned there was an issue that was preventing them reading at school. If I thought they were could read level 4 books but the report said they were level 3 then no obviously not.

I do agree though that some parents try to be overly controlling over their children's lives - who they're friends with, forcing them to do hours of worksheets at home so they can outperform others in SATS etc. Choosing their hobbies based on what the parent would like them to be interested in rather than actually what their child might benefit from.

How can you be 'too involved' in your child's life when they are young enough to have play dates? Of course you would want to know why they were failing academically.

I think the OP meant they tried to exert too much control over their children's lives. For example inviting Jemima whose mother drives a nice car home for tea but not Tracey who your child actually plays with and wants to have round. The implication was not that the child's school report had any worrying information that the child was failing. I get the impression the child appeared to be doing fine but the parent went in because the report didn't describe their child as remarkable.

Child in question is year 2 and is doing fine. The parent in question is pissed off that their child isn’t doing as well as they hoped. I think that’s the difference. If I thought my child was failing then yes, i’d be in school talking to teachers. But this is about unreasonable expectations and not trusting the teacher. I think there is difference.

@bottle yes, that’s exactly what I mean