Some parents are far too involved in their kids lives

[Liesdamnlies40]

First post on here!
Someone I know at school told me today that they had been to see the teacher as they didn’t feel their child’s school report adequately represented their child’s ability so they complained. I was really shocked- I trust what the teacher has said to me as they are the ones teaching my child.
The said parent is very helicopter with their child- vets play dates carefully and only certain kids are allowed around their house etc

Aibu to think this is quite a big level of involvement. I am obvs interested in how my child is doing but I wouldn’t interfere with school reports etc.

I used to be quite laid back and trusting of teachers. Until I got a report where I didn’t recognize my child. So no, blind faith in teachers isn’t for our family.

I really really hate when there has been an issue going on for some time and the teacher leaves it til the report to bring it up. Small things can become big problems and they cause themselves unnecessary grief.

Meh. You’re happy with your approach, I’m happy with mine. Be careful making fun of others you may end up with egg on your face.

BottleOfJameson

If Tracy was a little shit she wouldn't be coming to my house either. I don't think you can (at least easily) exercise too much control over a Year 2 child. And if I thought my child was 'remarkable' and the report said 'meeting expectations', then yes, I would question it after a period of time.

I don't think it's too much involvement, there are many reasons to question reports at times, but it can be too much personal worth attached to how well a child is doing in one area or that they view anything that isn't a glowing report as criticism of themselves or their child.

I assume you are talking about primary school. Firstly my view is live and let live - some parents choose to be more closely involved.
I see it as my duty as a mother to be switched on to where my child is, both academically and socially.
My child was in a large class at Primary and I took the view that for every hour she was there, if I divided that by 30 kids that equated to 2 mins per child...I know it’s more complicated than that in reality with kids working in groups and stuff but it made me realise that if you factor in some kids who take up a lot of the teacher’s time, the teacher would struggle to have much time to really have a strong handle on how my daughter was doing. With that in mind I might have asked to chat to the teacher if I felt their judgement was out of kilter.

I'm guessing everyone on here questions everything too. Thank goodness I'm not a teacher. It was bad enough working in a nursery with over involved parents.

Anyway, OP, I fail to see how this is any of your business. Between the other parent and the teacher, surely?

SugarIsAmazing

I would try to question as little as possible - I am a teacher and I know how annoying parents can be - but my concern with a report somewhat below my expectations in Year 1 would be that it was masking poor progress, either because the teaching and/or assessment wasn't good (perfectly possible) or my child was applying themselves (perfectly possible) or there was an access issue (perfectly possible). It's my job as a mum to make sure I understand any obstacles to her getting the best education possible.

I think there’s a difference between enquiring and complaining. Enquiring suggests a parent wants to work with the school whereas complaining suggests quite the opposite.

The only time I’ve commented on dds report (primary school) was this year when the teacher accidentally said she was giving dd a certain award but gave it to another child. I sent an email saying I understand if it was an error but dd was a bit miffed. Basically I didn’t want dd to remember this instead of everything the lovely teacher had done for her. Anyway along with another child she received a headmasters award (lesser award than the other) on the last day of term. Dh and I suspect she made a mistake but she may genuinely have intended to put dd forward for the headmasters award as dd has had a very challenging time recently due to my health. Anyway, the result was everyone was happy and we really appreciated the gesture.

As for parents. Dd was dropped by a child because her mother manipulated her against my dd. It was devastating for dd at the time as the girl forced the other girls to pick her. This was way back in yr1. Sadly for the little girl she’s noticeably less mature than my dd and I imagine that is because she’s so closely controlled.

@pen no it’s not my business but isn’t this forum about having a discussion? I think the parent is massively helicoptering. I’m an engaged parent but where does it stop?

I think this forum is about discussion of whether you are being unreasonable, not whether someone doing something that doesn't affect you in the slightest is being unreasonable. By all means, carry on, but I think you sound like you are hugely over-invested in this woman's affairs.

Surely if you think something doesn’t accurately represent a situation you would question it?

Have to agree with this. It's dangerous to simply accept the word of professionals if you genuinely think they're wrong, whether they're teachers, solicitors, doctors or whoever. Obviously, you have to be realistic and not just go around gung-ho querying everything just because you don't like what they say. But if you realistically have genuine grounds for concern then of course you should ask questions.

I questioned a teacher once when I got year end reports for my son, where several teachers mentioned he was too quiet in class but one said he needed to calm down and listen more in class - turned out the teacher got him confused with another boy!

I'm that laid back parent that thinks sats are a waste of time, would never force my primary school age kids to do homework. not involved with school stuff and still my kids are doing fine.

vets play dates carefully and only certain kids are allowed around their house

Well, golly, that sounds sensible to me?!

But with the report, I trust the teacher. When they say DS is pissing about in class, I trust that he is.

If I thought a report written about my child is inaccurate I would want to talk about it. I've done so with education, health and social services reports.

My kid is still much younger than that so I don't know what I'd actually do but I like to think I'd leave it - not because I think the teacher must be right because she's the teacher but simply because being evaluated wrongly by people in authority is going to happen to someone hundreds of times over in their life and they are going to need to learn how to cope with that without mummy coming to rescue them.

That said I would hope I'd discuss the report with the child and get feedback on why she thinks the teacher was getting that impression of her and whether there was anything she could do to prove the teacher wrong.

My dc had a way off-kilter report at the end of one year. It genuinely read like it belonged to a completely different child, and it didn't relate at all to what we'd been told at parents' evening or to the previous report. Yes, I questioned it, and no I didn't get an adequate response. So I tore it up and threw it in the bin. Very satisfying

Snowflake parenting to the extreme (on her part)

How on earth do you know? 6 posts in, barely any information?

My friend was oddly annoyed that a piece of secondary school project work had not been marked - on further exploration and self reflection she admitted it was because she and her husband had done the majority of the work and wanted to know what their grade was .

Whilst I totally agree that some parents are far too involved in their children's lives it's also been my experience that , by their interfering, these parents made sure that their children benefited from more attention and support from teachers. Sometimes it's been an awful lot more attention.

The extra time that they "won" for their children was time taken from other children - which included my children.

My husband is a primary school teacher and he frequently rants about parents have completely unrealistic expectations, and this sounds like an example of this!
a. have you thought about the fact that teacher has produced 25-30 of those reports? Would with a maximum of 2 weeks to complete, as well as their usual workload?
b. have you considered your child may not act in exactly the same way they do at home?

More and more parents make these ridiculous demands of teachers and school, everyday my husband gets notes from parents like '(childs name) didn't sleep that well last night, can you keep noise to a minimum', or even worse parents get overly involved in childrens arguments!

Stay at home mums and dad are the worst, not enough to do so expect their childrens teacher to be co-parents!

I think there is a fine line really.

I don't think we should undermine our children's teachers but parents to do need to show an interest in their children.

I understand teachers on here complaining about unreasonable overinvolvement on the part of parents, but at the same time, if a child is disruptive or too far behind, they obviously call the parents in and ask for their support.

I'm a teacher and I'd go in to ask if I had an issue with my child's report, have done so once or twice and learned something new. Most teachers are happy to explain why they've made a decision and generally have good reasons for it. So long as your tone is respectful and courteous, why wouldn't you ask?

I think it's great that parents care and are involved in their children's education etc. But i think the difference lies in whether they would like to 'discuss' or 'complain'.

I don't helicopter parent by any means but when I had a lette saying my DS was a good year an half lower than his actual age in his readin age, I did question it, as I know him to be a good reader.

The teachers exact words were 'Oh dear, sorry you worried, I am aware he wasn't even trying on the day, just ignore it'.

Well, I was right to query it, they were wrong to send me a letter which initially worried me.

Unless it affects you in any way, ignore it.

My laptop seems to be missing letters out, but you get what I mean