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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to care whether he will end up with less money

48 replies

DisabledMumOf2 · 24/07/2018 16:02

So we're splitting up. It was instigated by him by saying he wasn't happy cos we weren't having sex. I'm physically disabled and in a lot of pain so sex is the lowest worry on my mind and I am not a sexual person anyway. The disabled is new but the low sex drive was from the start so its not like I've suddenly changed on him.

Anyway.... Were seperating and I was going to UC and then send him half seeing as we're going to be equally sharing custody of the kids. Now he's complaining that he's going to be worse off. Is it wrong that I don't care? I'm trying to sort out a new house and a new life because he wants sex and 15 years together can apparently be washed down the drain over sex.
I won't lie, since its become official that were splitting up I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me but its just horrible to hear him say things like maybe we should stay together cos its easier, you can sleep in the little room etc knowing that a couple of weeks or so ago he's said he doesn't want me.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Travis1 · 24/07/2018 16:04

YANBU to want to carry on with the split but I'm confused as to why you would give him half your Universal Credit award?

RabbitsAreTasty · 24/07/2018 16:08

He can claim his own benefits. You keep yours.

ConciseandNice · 24/07/2018 16:08

Is he unemployed? Why are you giving him had your UC? I’m a bit confused.

More importantly, YANBU. It sounds to me like he was just guilting you into sex and passive aggressively saying he wants to split up to make you feel shit. Unbeknownst to him, it made you feel better. More fool him. Don’t backtrack. It’s your life. You’re in constant pain. If he is prioritising sex so much, to the detriment of your relationship then he is an utter twat.

Beaverhausen · 24/07/2018 16:10

Not at all and please do not give him half of your money. He will be entitled to claim for his own or here is a novel idea, he can find a job.

User183737 · 24/07/2018 16:10

The fact a weight has lifted shows you that him leaving is the right thing.
He doesnt want you tough shit if hes worse off tell him to get a job

AnyaChristinaEmmanuellaJenkins · 24/07/2018 16:11

Bloody hell, he wants half your benefits

Loopytiles · 24/07/2018 16:13

His financial situation is not your problem: your own is. Get good legal and benefits advice before agreeing anything.

Snowysky20009 · 24/07/2018 16:13

Why are you giving him half off your UC? You do realise it's not a lot don't you?

Suebnm · 24/07/2018 16:13

Don't give him half of your UC, you will get in a whole new world of pain from the DWP.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 24/07/2018 16:14

Oh, come on. There are so many posts on here where the OP is in a sexless relationship and they make it clear that living without sex is killing them. Why is he getting it in the neck for being honest? This way they both get to move on.

RabbitsAreTasty · 24/07/2018 16:20

Perfectly reasonable for him to decide to break up so he can have sexual relationships.

He doesn't get any of your benefits though.

If he has the children often enough his own child maintenance payments and benefits will reflect this.

Winterbella · 24/07/2018 16:26

You must've been in a nightmare, He wants to split up he sorts himself out that how it goes, too bad that he's not got a job and not got benefits. You need your UC for your needs and the DC, stuff the easy bit you've already done the hardest thing in agreeing to split don't go back you'll be twice as miserable as you were.

BewareOfDragons · 24/07/2018 16:27

Your benefits are your benefits. Not his. He can apply for his own if he feels he needs them.

Mousefunky · 24/07/2018 16:29

Don’t give him half. If you share the children equally, neither of you have to pay maintenance.

Lunde · 24/07/2018 16:35

You are not responsible for financing him and you should not give him your benefits - he needs to claim his own if eligible.

TacoLover · 24/07/2018 16:36

If he is prioritising sex so much, to the detriment of your relationship then he is an utter twat.

What bullshit. Everyone is allowed to want sex. OP has said that they have had a low sex drive since the beginning and now it seems that they are having little to no sex. What do you expect him to do, not have sex for the rest of his life? The double standards for men and women for this topic on MN are quite shocking. When a woman posts about a sexless marriage, the man is called an utter twat!

FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric · 24/07/2018 16:39

He’s allowed to end the relationship if he’s not happy for whatever reason. But for the love of god don’t give him any of your UC. You have have been allocated that amount based on your situation not his. If he’s struggling for money he needs to solve it himself, not sponge off of you and in turn your children. If you end up sharing care of the children that will be reflected in the maintenance payments for them (neither of you will receive anything from the other if it’s 50/50).

Merryoldgoat · 24/07/2018 16:40

Don’t give him your benefits! That’s insane. He can claim himself if he’s eligible and if he’s not then tough.

InDubiousBattle · 24/07/2018 16:42

YANBU to not care if he has enough money- you need to focus on your own finances. If you are sharing responsibility for the dc equally then neither of you should pay the other any maintenance. He is not BU for wanting to leave a sexless marriage.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 24/07/2018 16:46

HeINBU about splitting up.

But now that he's made that decision YANBU to not give a damn about his finances.

Why would you split your UC? Let him sort himself out.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 24/07/2018 16:46

I think it's twatish to leave a disabled spouse, who is in constant pain, just because you aren't getting sex. And having said that, to then suggest staying together so you don't lose money.
Don't give him your benefit - this situation is his doing, so he can sort his own finances out. Not being disabled, he is more able to do that, than you!

Dodie66 · 24/07/2018 16:48

Why are you giving him half of your benefit. He can claim his own

LeftRightCentre · 24/07/2018 16:49

He shouldn't get any of your benefits. He can claim his own. UC is low, you will not be able to afford to give him half. Fuck that.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 24/07/2018 16:56

A healthy sex life is hugely important to me, so I can see why your relationship has broken down because of it. I’m not sure I could stay in a sexless partnership either.

With the UC, how does it work? Is only one parent allowed to claim? If that’s the case and you have 50/50 custody, then yes... sharing that payout is correct. I can’t imagine that’s the way it works though surely... most splits are not that amicable!

Original poster
DisabledMumOf2 · 24/07/2018 17:18

I'm not against him for breaking up as such (although it annoys me that 15 years comes down to just sex, but that's important to him so fine).

From what I can see, with UC, you can only claim for the children if you are getting their child benefit so to me that should mean that I share the child's portion of UC with him.
I keep telling him to get more hours but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

He's a brilliant dad so I don't plan on it becoming nasty as all. I'm trying my best to keep it easy because until I get allocated a house I'm stuck and we're having to share a bed but every time he says how worse he'll be or that we should stay together "coz it's easier" is making it hard to stay nice.

I'm glad I'm NBU cos that was making me feel guiltier. Thanks guys

OP posts:
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