Aibu to Be the boss and crying about team insults?

[Ladiesfirst]

So I run a team of 10 people and have done for quite a while. I am quite used to the moaning when I tell them some news they don’t like - like they can’t have work phones anymore because of cost cutting etc.

Today though we have just confirmed the completion date for a huge project. There is a likelihood that we will also have to do work the next day which is a Friday.

A member of my team doesn’t want to work on the Friday as it’s her parents wedding anniversary and she has promised to take the away. They live in the middle of nowhere so the travel time is an issue

I said that if the event finished on Friday then the team finished work on Friday (even if I could spare her it’s not fair on others but I can’t)

I said I was also missing my parents wedding anniversary (and my dad has really bad alheimzers which the team know about). She said it didn’t matter as I have other family and she is an only child so her parents would be ‘all alone’. In reality I am celebrating with my family a few weeks after the event (and two months after their anniversary)

I am just a bit overwhelmed at how rude she has been and how insensitive on so many fronts. As her boss though I don’t really feel I have much come back.

What would you do? This person has worked for me for 7 years and I am very flexible with her - she has changed locations three times in four years which I have supported plus she works at her parents home reguarly so she can see more of them.

I just don’t think it’s on to be insulted like this especially as was in front of the whole team!!

Thoughts?!

Unless your employee is paid the kind of salary that makes up for last minute travelling or pays generous overtime YABU. I would say no to this request too.

OP none of the family remarks or flexibility from the past really matter at all. It boils down to the fact that she's needed to work at something that's well within her job description and hadn't booked annual. Not your problem. You need to grow a thicker skin and learn to maintain a professional distance.

Hang on, youre a boss, what on earth are you doing discussing employment issues with one member of staff on an open forum

That is highly unprofessional and regardless of how she made you feel should you be beinging it here. Refer to your line manager if there is going to be an issue and come to a way forward professionally and showing your staff you have their interests as well as the companies at heart

And what are you doing comparing a situation in your life with theirs. It belittles their concerns. Be a manager not a coworker

The amount anyone gets paid is irrelevant in this scenario

Hang on, youre a boss, what on earth are you doing discussing employment issues with one member of staff on an open forum

I was thinking that, too.

Im sorry OP but if it this regularly happens and people have to miss things at short notice its poor management

In some industries it is the norm. However that usually comes with decent remuneration and other perks to offset that requirement for flexibility.

You should not have brought your family situation into the discussion as it is irrelevant. Whether you are willing to miss a family event or not is neither here nor there.
If you cannot do anything to accommodate ie agree to her leaving on Thursday or leaving Friday maybe on a slightly earlier flight then you have to tell her so and she can decide what she wants to do.
Honestly you invited her comments about you by bringing up your circumstances.
If you can't handle telling people stuff they don't want to hear then maybe you are in the wrong job.
I have had demanding employees who always wanted to bend the rules or chop and change hours. To be honest if I could accommodate it without inconvenience I would because it was an easier way to keep goodwill. Then I had ammo when I couldn't budge. I could point out that I had already accommodated x, y and z.
You need to look at whether you can do something to accommodate her or tell her firmly no. And you need to stop bringing your personal life into it.

You need clearer boundaries, in a couple of ways.

Firstly, organisationally. Sounds like you need more structure. More policies, clearer policies, written down in one place as part of an employee handbook.

Travel, working outside usual,hours, working away from designated place of work and travel outside working hours need to have clear policies. Everything from TOIL to turnaround times and reasonable notice for having to go abroad.

I used to work for an international development charity and there was pages and pages on that in the Employee manual.

You also need better personal boundaries. It’s not good practice as a manager, to use details from your personal life as a reason why an employee should be ok with something.

It’s not professional full stop, and it’s especially not appropriate when you’re on a different level. You opened that door unfortunately. When you spoke about your parents, you said something to her that would be fine to say to a friend, bit iffy to say to a colleague and not at all appropriate to say to an employee.

That conversation should have been all about policies and guidelines, not personal comparison.

I also find your belief that this is good organisation does not help. If bad decisions are taken further up the line that affects you all, your attitude that this is how a professional organisation is run just rubs salt in the wound. You want her to be empathetic to you but have zero empathy for her. You think a day late doesn't matter, when it is a special occasion??

I don't see how it was insulting.
It's unprofessional of you to be posting this publicly.
Her past job moves and your own personal situation are irrelevant.
It seems as though there isn't a clear policy to handle this sort of situation.
What would I do? I'd get clarity on whether she will be needed to work late on the Friday or not, I'd get HR involved to mediate a meeting where you work out a compromise.
Then I'd get some team building activities, coaching or resources in place to smooth out the obvious resentment issues within the group.

Wow OP, stop playing top trumps with who has the most complex parental situation, no wonder she had to throw the only child thing at you.
You are the manager, if she’s upset that her weekend free time is being eaten into last minute, you listen to her. You remind her that flexibility is sometimes needed. But you don’t tell her that you’ve got it worse so why is she moaning! Have a look at transactional analysis

She hasn't booked it off in advance, she's aware her job takes her all over the world and this event was due around this time, now she's complaining she might get back late Friday or early hours of Saturday when she'd planned to take her parents away on the Saturday. YANBU she should've booked the Friday off months ago, if she had she'd be in a position to argue, add it is you've been flexible with her working from wherever she wants to the point she thinks she can do as she pleases.

@FASH84
But what would have been the point? Book leave, don't book leave the company doesn't honour it.

What are you crying about though? And she hasn't insulted you...

The worst she's done is been arsey about not getting the flexibility she usually gets. You can just remind her that flexibility works both ways and move on. The fact she's said she's an only child etc., she's just rattling the cage a bit to see if she can guilt you into making an exception for her. It's hardly an insult!

Typically, folk do this kind of thing if they think they can get away with it. Her thinking it's ok to rattle the cage, combined with you crying about it and taking it as an insult, tell me that you need to radically reassess how you usually interact with her... She isn't your friend, she's your employee, get the boundaries right.

For those who asked I posted to see if I was being unreasonable / for a perspective and also for some advice. I presume some of you are bosses too and understand sometimes it’s not easy. There arent many sources of advice. Not to be unprofessional or anything like that.

A few of the posters eg the sort of work we do which is as FASh described accurately.

I am surprised at myself for being so upset. Hence I posted.
I’ve known this person for 10 years. We were friends before she asked to come to my team quite a while ago and We have a lot of shared history personally. We were out together on sat pm as an examples with friends. So there is a blurred line. Which is hard to manage. She is very good at her job and we get on very well but there is a boundary that gets crossed and it’s hard to manage

So to a friend I could say oh yes it’s crap that you are missing your parents anniversary because of work I’m missing mine too - but I just sucked it up ( given the job we have and this happens occasionally) But to say the same thing as a boss to someone who is angry I understand why it’s doesnt work. On the other hand I don’t expect to be told that my parents are less relevant to me because I have siblings ... .... So thanks for that perspective!!! But I guess the feedback is that I brought this on myself!!!

But I guess the feedback is that I brought this on myself

Ok, but in what way?

If she didn't book the day off & is needed to work then she needs to work. It sucks but that's life. Would her colleagues not be pissed off at the extra workload?
On another note, I think this thread is quite outing with all the info given.

When is the Friday? Is it this/next Friday or in 3 months time?

What are your contingency plans for events if you have resource issues? If you do not have contingency plans that is a management issue not a team member issue.

If her being available outside working hours on dates around that time was so important why didn't you reserve her time formally in advance?

It is all about give and take, giving your employee flexibility during quieter times does result in goodwill back, but not unconditional servitude. If you want unconditional attendance out of working hours you need to have an employment contract which says that and pay a premium for it.