Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband taking daughter for glasses advice instead of me?

65 replies

Hotpants · 24/07/2018 13:10

My husband is taking our (fashionwise 'edgy', although that's kind of besides the point) 14 yr old DD with him to help him choose his glasses. I have made it clear in the past that if he wants help choosing, I would really like to be involved/help choose. Somehow I feel it is a bit more of a wife's job than a daughter's job... and I feel a bit resentful that he is taking her and not me! Am I being bonkers?

OP posts:
Gruach · 24/07/2018 13:22

It wasn’t unanimous.

(Personally I would have been mightily offended. But I have a thin skin.)

wellBeehivedWoman · 24/07/2018 13:22

Yes, a bit! It's not really anyone's job to advise him but this way he gets some nice one on one time with his kid and it's a confidence boost to her that he trusts her.

LeighaJ · 24/07/2018 13:22

Maybe he's hoping she has a better chance of helping him get "cool" glasses since she's a teen.

Although I don't think any glasses look cool so he's probably out of luck.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 24/07/2018 13:23

Utterly.

(I helped a friend choose some glasses once because she couldn't wear her contacts for some reason, had broken her specs and literally couldn't see to choose.)

blueskiesandforests · 24/07/2018 13:26

Leigh my teen (who has perfect vision and doesn't need glasses) spent her own money on glasses with plain glass in them as a fashion accessory. Her friendship group consider this a perfectly normal thing to do. Some young people do think glasses are cool (geek chic I think..)

NoelHeadbands · 24/07/2018 13:26

I don’t know if there’s anything deeper going on OP, but on the face of it it’s like when I want a steer on what trainers to buy.
I’d probably ask my teens, who’d be able to advise which ones would be cool ‘for someone my age’ over my husband, who would have me kitted out in some top of the range, sports science proven, fell running efforts.

Of course I’d probably ignore everyone and buy a) the ones I liked in the 90’s or b) the ones that had sparkly bits.

Sparkletastic · 24/07/2018 13:27

Tell us about the 'other stuff' OP.

CSIblonde · 24/07/2018 13:27

Yes. It's so lovely they have such a nice Father/ Daughter bond OP. I still miss doing stuff with my Dad, from 15, I was a friend as well as daughter, as we had similar hobbies & interests & my DM wasn't interested or bothered. Those memories are priceless now he's gone. I think he's why I prefer male friends tbh.

Gloopy · 24/07/2018 13:29

Yes.
And you sound controlling.

Wolfiefan · 24/07/2018 13:31

DH and I manage to choose glasses on our own.
This sounds less like a glasses issue than you feeling he's valuing her feelings and opinions more than yours and choosing her over you.
What's the parenting conflict?

AveABanana · 24/07/2018 13:32

I would let my DC choose my glasses over DH any day - especially as it's unlikely he would be wearing his glasses at the time (still resisting the idea that he needs them) Mind you last time I went there was a very forceful lady who watched me trying on some pairs and said "no no no those are not for you" and chose me some other ones Grin

Original poster
Hotpants · 24/07/2018 13:39

Wolfiefan - yes I think you are right, it needled something in me because he has been valuing her opinions over mine, she is often very very rude to me and he doesn't back me up etc. A lot of undermining. She hit me once and he made excuses for her. So I think you are right that there is something of that behind my hurt.
But thank you everyone else for the advice, I shall remind myself that this is good father-daughter bonding

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 24/07/2018 13:39

DH would always take fashion advice for either of our DDs over me any day!

Plus, as others have said, it's a lovely opportunity for them to spend time together. Which would be my first thought.

littlemisscomper · 24/07/2018 13:49

I wish my dad and I had had that sort of relationship when I was a teenager.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/07/2018 13:53

Hotpants
YABU about the glasses
However
YADNBU about how he is not backing you up in your parenting. You would be entitled to read him the riot act over that.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 24/07/2018 13:55

See this is why context is everything. My initial thought was wow are you normally this controlling but your further post indicates this is a battle within a war. The scenario in itself is not unreasonable but YANBU to feel like you do about it - what does your H say when you tackle him about the undermining?

blueskiesandforests · 24/07/2018 13:59

As ACat implies, the fact her doesn't back you up when she is rude to you, and that she hit you and he made excuses for her, is probably what you should have led with! That changes the context utterly. Glasses choosing totally normal, justifying your teen hitting and being rude to you, not remotely normal or ok!

Gatehouse77 · 24/07/2018 14:02

I agree with ACatsNoHelpWithThat - context is everything.

Rather than being a lovely gesture it now comes across as your DH trying to put you in your place, using your DD. Very different.

And I don't think it's a wife v daughter scenario as you alluded to initially - it's all about you. Sadly, in a negative and provocative way. Try not to rise to the bait.

I'd be full of smiles for them as they go off on their adventure and then do something for myself. Or go along and sit in a coffee shop waiting for them having had a lovely time reading in peace.

JessicaJonesJacket · 24/07/2018 14:04

As PPs have said, a DF asking a DD to help pick glasses is fine.
But the issue is the wider context. If DD already knows she can play you off against each other then he's being either inconsiderate or a selfish arse to choose her 'over' you and play into that division.
Did she hit you recently?

diddl · 24/07/2018 14:04

My husband chooses his own!

Trinity66 · 24/07/2018 14:05

Wolfiefan - yes I think you are right, it needled something in me because he has been valuing her opinions over mine, she is often very very rude to me and he doesn't back me up etc. A lot of undermining. She hit me once and he made excuses for her. So I think you are right that there is something of that behind my hurt.
But thank you everyone else for the advice, I shall remind myself that this is good father-daughter bonding

Oh that kind of explains why you feel like you do a bit more. That's really bad that he's undermining you like that, a bit like she's the "top" female in the pecking order, that would not be ok with me

OkMaybeNot · 24/07/2018 14:07

Aw, I think that's quite nice actually.

Cindie943811A · 24/07/2018 14:08

Your DH is probably only wanting confirmation that the glasses he prefers look ok on him. He is unlikely to accept any advice he is not comfortable with, whether it comes from you or your DD.
DHs can be quite thoughtless at times and he probably didn’t think you would be at all bothered because he, himself, wouldn’t be bothered if you took DD instead of him to choose glasses, an outfit etc

Trinity66 · 24/07/2018 14:08

Aw, I think that's quite nice actually.

even after reading the OPs second post?

JellyBears · 24/07/2018 14:10

Let her spend time with her dad helping him pick out glasses. It’ll be those fun trips she’ll remember one day years to come.

Swipe left for the next trending thread