Friends persistent lateness

[Gigis]

Love my friend very much and have known her since I was little, so please no suggestions of cutting friendship.

But. She is always very late whenever we arrange to meet. I am currently waiting for her to come to mine and she is 45 minutes late, no text or anything. It's not too much of an issue today as I'm indoors all day with the baby, but in the past has caused some embarrassment e.g. I was sitting alone at a restaurant for 50 minutes fervently telling waiters that I would be ordering food just as soon as she got here.

The trouble is she suffers anxiety and depression so I can't think of the best way to bring up with her that if she's going to be so late every time a bit of notice would be appreciated without sending her into a spiral of self doubt, as any criticism is likely to do. Of course I can just adjust my timings but the trouble is her lateness is anywhere in the range of 20 minutes to 1 hour+ and I never know just how late she's going to be.
Aibu? Should I accept this is a part of her and her illness?

I had a friend like this. I never waited inside somewhere for her, or I'd get her on the way so we bypassed this scenario.

It's downright rude whether it's anxiety, disorganisation or whatever!

I know you said no cutting out but if it were me I would have text and said sorry I've been waiting for 45 minutes and have stuff to do so gone out. Hope to catch up soon!

I actually do have to be somewhere at 4. This was supposed to be a nice coffee and cake meet up before she goes travelling for a few months. It's a shame she's cutting it shorter.

Or maybe this is her way of telling me she's done with the friendship?!

Me after 30 minutes. Where the heck are you? Has something bad happened. Usually a good way to get a response

Well that option is still there. I'd do it now and say you urgently had to get nappies or something and it's shame you won't see her until after she returns from travelling and hope she has a good time.

Basically you can't change the lateness. Just how you react to it. She has to miss out enough times to learn she has to turn up when agreed.

I have just texted her 'is everything ok? Whereabouts are you?'
Anyway the baby's done a shit now and the changing mat is upstairs so if she knocks now I won't hear!

She’s not that anxious if she’s going travelling and I bet she’ll manage to catch flights etc ok 😏

before she goes travelling for a few months

So how exactly is this travelling going to be conducted? She does know that trains and planes and things won't wait for her if she is late?

Or can she manage to be on time when it is something "important" like a plane but it's only with her old friend that she can't be arsed?

If she’s always that late when you meet at restaurants etc I’d just add an hour on to the planned meet time. Or depending on how far you have to travel to get there, wait for her to text you going “Where are you?” before you leave the house.

Gravy anxious people can travel.
Explain you find it inconvenient or embarrassing to be left sitting. In future you need to leave by x time or will be going out if she doesn't let you know she's running late.

'is everything ok? Whereabouts are you?'

sounds a bit soft to me!

I would have text after 10 minutes saying "are you still planning on coming?" and called after 15

Well it seems she’s too anxious to travel to see the OP 😏

What's with the smirky face? I can travel with family but find visiting other people's houses stressful.
I wouldn't be late as I think that's very rude though.

There was a big thread on this a few months ago.

It always ends up in two camps:

Camp 1 - "stop being so bloody rude and get your shit together as you seem to have no problem catching flights or meeting deadlines that are important to you"

Camp 2 - "hey why are people so uptight, its like only 30mins, if you were a true friend you would make allowances for people who are a bit ditzy / anxious / busy / [insert makey-uppy allergic to clocks medical condition]

My OH is like this always late for everything as gets distracted with other things I find it maddening especially if we are due to go out as it then makes me late as well

I once flew back from a business trip in the US for them to collect me from the train station an hour late

it has caused a lot of rows over the years but has not changed , i feel it is very rude and think you should say something OP

Next time.... if you have an idea of her likely travel time can you text her 10 mins before she should leave. "Just getting ready to leave - how are you doing are you on schedule".

Then either she gets a move on or if she is in chaos at least you can get on with your day?

I would tell her a time 30mins before you're actually planning on meeting her

Im sureshe wont be late for her plane

She may have adult ADHD.

It is superannoying. Last week ds went on a school trip and they had to be at school at the crack of dawn. We set the alarm on all of our mobile phones and dh got up to take him to school. They were leaving VERY early to get a flight.

So, lets say they had to be there at 5 for 5.15. Everyone there on time. Except one person who rolled up at 5.25. Even though they knew the flight would not wait. They did get the flight but the rest of us made the effort and they didn't. Teachers should have left them behind and told them to meet them at airport (as it's not that far away, less than 45 mins drive).

It is so selfish and entitled. If you say you will be somewhere at x time be there for that time. That means leaving earlier if you have unreliable public transport or know that there's likely to be a traffic jam etc. It's really not difficult.

People who are always late, have no respect for other peoples' time.

Fortunately DH and I are in the same camp with this so don't fall out over it - in fact he wants to get to airports etc even earlier than I do!

Does she manage to be on time for work, transport arrangements and so on?

It's amazing how many of these people CAN manage it when they think it's actually important. Which tells you about their priorities.

It's bad form to keep a friend waiting for so long again and again, especially if they have a baby.

It is rude, there is only a certain amount I would tolerate. Maybe keep the friendship to phone calls or text only, and not arrange to meet up.

My sister can be like this. I lie, if it's important, and tell her at least half an hour before she needs to be there/I'm collecting her.

My father did this when we were due to go on holiday - good thing he did or we might have missed our flight...

I have spoken to her about it. In her case, she tries to fit too much into one day. Always has the "As I'm here, I might as well" attitude. Really annoying and I've pulled her up on it a few times.

She's a lot better these days.

Just arrange to meet an hour before you will get there. If she’s ‘only’ 30 mins late then she can wait for you for a change.

This is rubbish. If she's going travelling she won't be late for any flights, trains etc. She's just rude and inconsiderate. I used to have a friend like this. I was regularly left sitting in bars alone for 3/4 if an hour waiting for her. But she'd always be on time for a date with a man. I dropped her as a friend eventually.