Friends persistent lateness

[Gigis]

Love my friend very much and have known her since I was little, so please no suggestions of cutting friendship.

But. She is always very late whenever we arrange to meet. I am currently waiting for her to come to mine and she is 45 minutes late, no text or anything. It's not too much of an issue today as I'm indoors all day with the baby, but in the past has caused some embarrassment e.g. I was sitting alone at a restaurant for 50 minutes fervently telling waiters that I would be ordering food just as soon as she got here.

The trouble is she suffers anxiety and depression so I can't think of the best way to bring up with her that if she's going to be so late every time a bit of notice would be appreciated without sending her into a spiral of self doubt, as any criticism is likely to do. Of course I can just adjust my timings but the trouble is her lateness is anywhere in the range of 20 minutes to 1 hour+ and I never know just how late she's going to be.
Aibu? Should I accept this is a part of her and her illness?

I always tell a friend of mine to meet me 45 minutes earlier than I intend to be there. It's a cultural difference as we are from different countries. Works for us!

Has she arrived yet ? I'm still waiting for someone who was supposed to be here at 12.30pm

It's fucking irritating when people are late AND don't bother to contact you when there is nothing stopping them, how utterly fucking rude. I'm still waiting for my sister to come for coffee... She was due at 11am on Saturday but got sidetracked by a bloke she just met and a drive to the pub near the beach
Don't answer the door if she turns up op and don't bother telling her why.

Please stop letting her get away with it. Someone pulled me up on being late all the time a couple of years ago. I was mortally embarrassed. I’m usually 10 minutes early wherever I go now.

I have a friend like this and was struggling to bring it up. Then we were due to meet up on a hot day. In the end I waited half an hour for her in searing sun, I get quite ill in hot sun and when she arrived I was shaking, white as a sheet and nearly in tears. That gave her a shock! I was actually half way through writing her a text saying I was leaving. I won't know if it's had an impact until the next time we meet!

But yes I hate it because it's always the same people that do it, every single time. I think it's really disrespectful.

Surely someone suffering from anxiety would be worried about not getting there on time, and much more likely to turn up early than late. That's what my family member is like anyway.

I dropped a friend like this some years ago. I was fed up of the stress of sitting waiting 1 hour+ when already dressed and made up, feeling sleepy as waiting so long. Last straw was when she made us so late for a good friend's 50th that the event was over 1 hour after our arrival.

It's so much better going out with other friends instead of her. We all run late sometimes but persistent lateness is purposeful. & boring to deal with. I'd rather not.

Depression and anxiety are no excuse for lateness. I hate it when people are late and suffer from both ailments

I have a friend like this and unfortunately it has meant I have backed away from the friendship. She is always 45-1 hour late and it is always for petty reasons. 'Oh I got chatting to my neighbor' or 'oh I had to make a phone call'. This was happening weekly and I know other friends experiences the same.

The final straw was when after arranging a day trip out an hour away at her request I arrived on time in the very cold carpark with my 8 month old to be told by her ' oh I haven't left yet!'

I can forgive 10/20 minutes, things happen. But to do it every time and to be so late is just rude and disrespectful.

I would tell her that always being late makes you feel like you don't matter, are unimportant to her and that makes you feel like shit. You hope that is not what she thinks/wants but if so you see no point in continuing with the friendship. If not, you would appreciate her making a bit of an effort to be on time. It's not rocket science, most people can do it.

I am often the late one now although only by 10-15 minutes. I used to be the one always on time or early but after 2 decades of waiting for late friends, I gave up and become the late one! The irony is the worst offender, I once waited 2 hours for her, is now largely on time and she recently waited 3 hours for a friend of hers!!! Not sure what lesson you can draw from my experience.

My SIL did this. I left the house because she never turned up (I’d agreed to let her in and then go to work) and she had to sit on the doorstep for six hours.

I have no idea why she thought I’d hang around!

hornbeam I can only speak for myself but I'm medicated to the eyeballs for a severe nervous disorder and I am never late. I was so worried that I'd miss my sons school pick up time that I started turning up at 2pm ... I live a three minute walk from the school I fixed myself about 4 weeks into the first term...

Well she arrived 1 hour late and could tell I was a bit frosty. I sat down and basically said that it wasn't fair to keep me waiting so long without so much as a text (I said it in a more roundabout way! I think I am quite wet!) Anyway she was really embarrassed and explained that sometimes she takes longer to get ready and misjudges how long tasks take to do - today she was making lunch for her mother before coming over. She's promised to try harder and if she's late again to tell me via text. Well see...

I doubt she doesn't want you as a friend.

I do this. I hate it about myself. It's awful reading about how you feel. I feel awful about what I put friends through. It is as if I'm dyslexic about time. I under- or over-estimate (usually under, but it can be the other way) how long things will take. I lose chunks of time and can't account for them. I also think I've got things in hand and then only as it's too late I realise in a flood all the things I should have done to get ready. I end up doing it all in a rush feeling miserable and wondering why these things weren't obvious before. Even when I've prepared incredibly carefully and it hasn't gone wrong, I still find it very difficult to leave when I should as I get a load of anxiety about what I might have forgotten. On those occasions I'm either only just in time and my journey is very stressful or I'm five minutes late.Thank God people have put up with me.

That said, if I were your friend I would have at least sent a text so you knew what to expect. She might be too ashamed to or she might be just crap - you know her, I don't. You should raise it with her. Not in a corrective way, she'd have to be very odd indeed not to know she's late, but in a 'I need to understand this' way. I think it's only fair she knows that you need to at least be kept informed and if she needs to make a loose arrangement to take the pressure off (which actually helps, I find), then it needs to be clearly understood from the outset and she needs to keep you informed. If she's anything like me, she'll be miserable about this and you'll both feel better if you talk about it.

I'd make it clear that I will wait 15 minutes then I'm gone / door locked / unavailable - unless she's text giving time of arrival. Then, if she doesn't arrive at that time , again. I'm gone.

I have friends like this. If I'm meeting them in a coffee shop etc it's no problem if they're 10-15 minutes late, I can eat a cake when I get there and another one when they turn up. Usually they text and say they're gonna be running late, standard joke amongst us on- timers as to how late they'll be.
BUT if I'm picking them up as we're going somewhere, (I usually drive) I tell them to be ready at a certain time, text them as I'm leaving and have warned them I won't wait if they're not ready. And they know I mean it. They're always on time then!

I have a friend like this and in the end, I just sent her a text to cancel whatever the arrangements were we had made as soon as it got to the stage she was late. Miraculously her timekeeping drastically improved once she realised this. Now I just have to train FIL to be a better time keeper!

I used to have a friend like this.She lives up the road and because I had the bigger car I used to do most of the driving.
She would always text maybe morning or night before and say what time does such and such start....

I started replying with....I am leaving at - time

She got the hint and the over an hour lateness improved but if she wasn't here on time I drove off

I won't tolerate it. I told a friend as much and she didn't like it!!

I think all you can do is engineer meet ups so it's not too detrimental for you, cafes where you can get a tea and read something until they make an appearance are good.

I had a friend who was terrible for this until she suddenly wasn't, I assume she must have got a dressing down from someone

The only way to fix this is to tell them in advance that you won’t wait - and then stick to it.

I’ll wait ten minutes in a cafe/restaurant etc but after that, if I don’t hear from you I’ll leave.

People tend to turn up after that.

I used to have a friend like this (drifted apart unrelated). I then used to get her to call when she got there and I'd leave right away. That way she knew when I would turn up and I wasn't waiting around for her! Doesn't help in your own home but I'd just get on with life as if she'll be there eventually and fall into whatever you're up to

Give her 20 minutes then leave. Do not text or call. If she says anything just say, ‘I thought you weren’t coming so I left’. She’ll soon get the hang of it.

If you want to meet her at 2 o'clock, tell her 1 o'clock.