MIL- should I let it go?

[MangoApplePear]

DH and I posted a big party over the weekend. MIL completely took over, made me feel I was incapable of doing it myself, filled the house with old fashioned flower arrangements that I hated, and generally dominated the entire thing. I pushed back at the end but it was too late. The party is now over. Should I move on and just be more assertive next time or tell her how I feel?

The relationship is very important to me, I value her and she is wonderful with my children. In part that is why I wonder if I should tell her how she made me feel so this can be resolved on my side, and a stop can be put to the resentment that is building.

Words of wisdom please!

*hosted a big party, not posted!

It's too late for her to fix it this time. Next time be much more assertive from the beginning. "No, thank you for the ideas but I want it done X way."

Agree, it’s too late to address it now. Save it for next time.

Thank you. Yes you’re probably right. Getting my feelings out at this stage will probably do more harm than good. Kicking myself really but I was trying to be easygoing for the sake of keeping the peace.

Leave it this time but be prepared for the next time and get ready to be assertive. The Anne Dickson books on this are very good.

I also think it's probably best left for now. But, I would definitely work on having some easy but assertive phrases up my sleeve for another time. Eg. You could emphasize that you've been looking forward to doing it.

I think I would mention it now..

'Thanks mil, you did such a good job with

Is this how she usually behaves? Who was the party for? Had you asked for her help?

If she’s normally ok why do you think this happened op? Was she trying to help/support you in a misguided way

Does your DH know how you feel? Did he know before it happened as she started to do her thing for your party?

When she is planning to entertain, turn up at her house and do the very same thing. Dare you!!

You need higher and more consistent boundaries with regards to your MIL; they have been too low to date and need urgent raising. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. His mother is the same.

What are relations like between your DH and his mother; how well does he deal with her?. Can the two of you present a united front, can he stand up to his mother and be assertive in her presence?.

I would argue that she is not wonderful with your children if she can and does make you feel like this. They see her with you and see you as their mother being disrespected with your wishes being undermined.

Flower arrangements for a house party? is she the Duchess of Downton?

We really need more facts. Particularly before Attila gives her usual advice to go completely no contact with all parts of your dp's family including the hamster.

Yeah, the hamster's a swine. Kick that beast to the kerb!

Bertrand

@BertrandRussell 😂

Bertrand

Better luck next time OP.

You can love your in-laws, and still assert yourself.
Eg Saying at the outset, you know she's trying to be helpful, but being helpful would be doing what you ask her to do.

Flower arrangements for a house party? is she the Duchess of Downton?

How was she allowed to be so involved? Does she live with you?

I host, cater and organize a lot of parties. The problems always happen when people aren’t given proper instructions.

“What can I do to help?”
“Oh, can you organize some flowers, please?”
“What sort of flowers?”
“The normal sort- whatever you think”

5 hours later....

“Oh, I didn’t mean that sort of flowers.......”

I would bring it up now otherwise you will overthink it too much! just thank her for taking the time to help at the party but next time you host an event you would like to have it done your way x.

Did she think it was a joint family party rather than a you alone having a party? Was she involved in all the planning?

Does she try to take over in other parts of your life,maybe she thought she was relieving you of some pressure and making life easier for you/OH/and children by getting involved.

As a MIL myself, I have the opposite problem. I always feel I'm not doing enough towards ddil's parties. Her own mum and her sister both get stuck in, and I think hmmm don't want to tread on anyone's toes.