MIL- should I let it go?

[MangoApplePear]

DH and I posted a big party over the weekend. MIL completely took over, made me feel I was incapable of doing it myself, filled the house with old fashioned flower arrangements that I hated, and generally dominated the entire thing. I pushed back at the end but it was too late. The party is now over. Should I move on and just be more assertive next time or tell her how I feel?

The relationship is very important to me, I value her and she is wonderful with my children. In part that is why I wonder if I should tell her how she made me feel so this can be resolved on my side, and a stop can be put to the resentment that is building.

Words of wisdom please!

I agree with the posters who say it's a bit late now. But chalk it up and next time be firm, say something along th lines of 'well last time I felt you took over and I didn't want to cause a scene but I'd rather do it myself time thank you'. Agree with the lack of direction comment. If you don't want her to take over then be firm and say you don't need any help thank you. Or ask her to do something away from the scene - take the kids out etc., or cook her speciality dish etc.

I am always stunned at the amount of posts - MIL is interfering about childcare, feeding, wedding arrangements, schools, holidays. You don't have to tell everyone everything. If they are over opinionated, don't offer yourself on plate.

Good luck OP

Attila has great insight into the power play inherent in alot of family dynamics.

This MIL sounds domineering and insensitive to put it mildly. Call her out on it now.

"Attila has great insight into the power play inherent in alot of family dynamics"
She is also a catastrophist of the highest order.

Ok lots of posts now so I will try to reply to the general tenor.

It was a post-christening party for my DS. I did need some help and this was sort of the general understanding from the start because it was a big party. It started with MIL telling me she’d created a to-do list for the party. I should have pushed back then, but didn’t. Instead I created my own list and we compared them.

She then managed to take over nearly everything, most of the food (telling me I was too busy to do it), for example bringing round plants without asking to ‘decorate’ my garden, telling me she would do flowers when I simply asked a good place to get affordable ones, pretty much at every turn taking over. I am usually a confident person but she had a way of making me feel I wasn’t up to the job until I started to believe it and before I knew it I was deferring to her for everything. In hindsight I probably could have done a great job without all her ‘extras’, it just wouldn’t have been to her standard.

This is why I was wondering if I should take her out to coffee and talk about it, because the experience had a really big impact on me. The party had meant a lot to me as it was my first chance to host something like this.

Someone asked about DH’s role in this. He knows she can take over and was sympathetic in the end, but part of the reason I’d let it go on was based on his advice.

Hmm, yes, wait until the next event. BUT.... I would create a next event, and do it soon. Something smaller, that you control completely, and because you won't NEED help (because it's smaller) you can make it clear that you will be doing EVERYTHING.

A summer BBQ would be perfect.

I should add, MIL is not a bad person. She is kind and generous. She just had a wildly overbearing side when it comes to these types of events.

Singlenotsingle

As the mother of three adult sons I know EXACTLY what you mean.

Overthehedge

It’s a good idea but we’ll need some time for our bank balances to recover from the last party! (although we do have plenty of leftover booze...)

Well at this point all you can do is try to let go of your frustration and chalk it up to experience. I'd start girding your loins for future birthday party planning though and develop a party attack plan before your MIL jumps all over it

If it's a christening party you must have a small baby - I would say she thought she was helping.
If you try to explain now, when she probably believes she and you had a lovely time at a very successful party, it's likely she will be hurt and confused.
I would def have a party/ bbq/ drinks with friends/ dinner for friends ( a relaxed not formal one and do it alone, you don't need DMIL).
I've made the mistake of rushing around trying to get everything right for whatever do and really people just want an excuse to be together (and drink booze - or at least in my circle of friends and family) and chat and catch up. Doesn't have to be perfect, in fact the more relaxed the better.

You’ve said MiL’s kind, generous and wonderful with your kids. Personally I would probably also be glad to have christening party organisation taken off my plate! I would be thankful for the most important point that she is kind to you and your family, and definitely let this one pass. To avoid the same next time, you could be explicit from the start about what you will be arranging yourself.

If she means well but takes over just don't tell her about an event til you've organised everything. Then when she asks if she can help your response is "it's lovely of you to offer but it's all done Mil, so just bring yourself. " If she can't help taking over or take instructions if it's someone else's project, you need to nicely close down her 'in' to controlling what is your event.

Some good advice on here. Thank you all.

If you were able to have a open and honest talk with your MiL she would probably be mortified regarding your reaction to her help, as she sounds decent.
The position is at the moment is you are brooding and appear resentful, so either you say something to her along the lines of “ I really need your help but somehow over the party you made me feel inadequate as you are so efficient and competent etc.
Or you leave it for now and get the conversation in before she does it again.
If you don’t, or are unable to tell her how you feel....it’s like any other relationship, your resentment and pondering will build up and lead to heartbreak and misunderstandings all round. She is after all not a mind reader.
On the other hand you could weigh up your MiLs positives and chill about her mistakes. She and you are only human after all.
The DiL and MiL relationship is noted for being one of the most difficult to get right and it thrives on understanding and tolerance. In return you both get a warm loving relationship ?

I’d be grateful she helped so much. Her sins don’t sound too awful just a bit over enthusiastic. I’d let it go.

Don’t be a bully Burt you don’t own the threads. People can post what the fuck they want.

As a MiL, daughter, Sil, Mother, I want to negotiate and compromise at all costs and I also only post when I have experience of a situation.
But honestly, any MiL situation brings out the worse features of Mumsnetters.
If a friend did something you didn’t like, you may well give her a chance or ignore it.....but not a MiL. Especially if it’s Dhs Mother.
For goodness sake, if you are not MiLs yourselves, you can’t imagine how sensible, sensitive and careful you have to be.
If this OP has never been able to be congruent or assertive, this MiL may well think she is doing alright. Noone can read minds.
If the OP faces this situation equipped with some of the aggressive and nasty posts on here she can kiss any fulfilling family relationship goodbye. She will also be denying her children a relationship with their loving grandparents. It’s all about compromise and tolerance ....just like marriage.
There are exceptions of course when MH issues are involved, but otherwise most relationships should have a mantra of ‘ treat others as you would like to be treated yourself’
Personally, I would like to know if I have done something annoying. Otherwise I will do it again and again.

Ooh, a flower-arranging thread!
My absolute favourite, after hoovering.

Ethylred

I really, really hated the flowers. They transformed my house into an old person’s cafe!!!! 😂

You've now got me worrying that I overstepped a boundary when my gc and I took his mother's washing in off the line because I thought it was going to rain. I was minding him while she was at work.

Honestly, I know it's your home and your baby and you were probably feeling a bit territorial all round. But, hopefully, you've got a lifetime of marriage to get on with your mil, and it sounds to me as if she was trying to spare you some work. Unless she knew your taste in flower arrangements and was deliberately imposing her ideas on you, I would honestly let this go. I cringe at the idea of my dil sitting me down for chat about how I'd made her feel inadequate, when I thought I was being helpful. Unless she's got a hide like a rhinoceros, it will take her a long time to forget - and the resentment will be on her side.

It's easy enough to avoid the same thing happening on future occasions. Just say, 'No - Dh and I have got it all sorted, MIL. Just bring yourself.'

Thymeout. Don’t worry. I would’ve appreciated that. Taking washing off the line would be great!

I only gave a few examples of the overbearing conduct. It was pretty out of control in the end- partly because she wanted to help but also partly to make sure the party was posh and perfect. I just gave a flavour in my posts, putting everything would be too outing.

Toyoung I can be assertive bit with my mil I am full of compromise. She was a nightmare about the wedding and it took years to repair that damage. I am careful these days but that is how this all got out of control. Very hard to get the balance right.

mangoapplepear I know it is damn hard as I am a mother to females and males. It is so easy with my DDs. I buy something and they either say “ great” or “ I don’t like it” and I take it back. With my Dils the whole scenario is different. I rarely buy anything unless they are with me as I worry that they can’t say what they really think.
I have my own issues of inadequacy ( who doesn’t) I absolutely hate it when my DiLs criticise my sons to me, even if it is justified. I love my children passionately. I am their biggest fan.
As a Mother my first instinct is to protect them. I always think “ how would you like it if someone peered into your pushchair and said something derogatory about your child, Eh!
They cleeve to their wives and her family, which is how it should be as I will be long gone when someone is needed to wipe my sons bums. I also did the same.
However, it can make you feel just a bit wistful about the time when they didn’t have to ask their wives, if they could holiday with their own family. ( Attila will now accuse me of clinging on to them) But I don’t feel the least bit jealous of their wives. I want my children to be happy.

Just so no one is under the impression that I haven’t been able to keep my thoughts to myself, I am about to spend two weeks on holiday with the lot of them. It was at their request. They are also fighting over who has us for Christmas and New Year.

My sons ring up daily and I know the bonds are strong.
The MiL in the OP needs to be told.....but it’s how it’s done is the problem.
When my first GC was born, I know that I went totally bananas as I fell in love. I bought stuff left right and centre....until I got told....stop!

The OP has no choice but to tell this MiL, otherwise it is going to go on and on.
My MiL had mental health issues so it was fairly impossible to relate to her.