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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it’s selfish moving abroad, PIL abandoning dh gran

52 replies

LardLizard · 23/07/2018 18:42

I’m torn as half of me thinks everyone should be able to do what they want

But half of me thinks poor dh gran
She 90 and not in the best of health

Plus her other son and dil are also moving far away but not abroad

OP posts:
Theonlywayisscotland · 23/07/2018 19:13

I’m in the same predicament OP. My opninion is that it’s not selfish and you only get one life. OTOH, would you feel guilty leaving elderly relatives? Do they rely on you at all?

Myotherusernameisbest · 23/07/2018 19:46

It sounds selfish to me. I wouldn't leave my elderly mother if she was in poor health. I'm all for living the life you want and all that but not at the expense of someone who needed me.

BossWitch · 23/07/2018 19:49

Tricky. What are their plans for her end of life care?

XiCi · 23/07/2018 19:53

Not a chance I'd leave my mother in those circumstances. Are they just hoping someone else will pick up end of life care for her? (such as you and your DH) 90 and in ill health, they can surely wait what could only be a matter of months to move abroad

AngelsSins · 23/07/2018 20:04

With due respect, unless you have intimate knowledge of their relationship, you can’t judge. I wouldn’t care for my dad for example, for damn good reason. I mean this in general by the way, not directed at the OP specifically.

SparklyLeprechaun · 23/07/2018 20:06

Tricky. Yes, it's selfish to leave a 90 y/o, but would it have been any better if they moved 30 years ago? After all, she would have got to 90 anyway, and she would have been alone all these years. Maybe they want to do something for themselves before they are too old to enjoy it.

mineofuselessinformation · 23/07/2018 20:10

There are a lot of factors involved:
Their relationship.
Are there other family members who could help in a crisis? (And would this all gallon DH?)
Do they feel this is the only way to significantly improve their lives?
Have the older people been made aware and want them to do it?

MrsAidanTurner · 23/07/2018 20:14

Agree it depends on relationships.
I wouldn't have done it to my dm.

hidinginthenightgarden · 23/07/2018 20:15

Its very hard and not at all black and white. I know my mum's auntie was a carer for her mum for most of her adult life. One day she announced she was moving abroad and would come back frequently to help but day to day could no longer do it.
It sounds selfish but she had given over 20 years of her life to her mother. She had other family who stepped in taking shifts until she went into a home age 96. I think they have likely reached the end of their tether.

Candyflip · 23/07/2018 20:20

I do not want my children to ever give up their dreams because they feel guilty leaving me. I will plan my end of life well in advance so that they know that I will always be cared for even if they are 10000 miles away. All I ask is that they phone/Skype/visit when they can.

BossWitch · 23/07/2018 20:29

Candy thats all well and good in theory but what if you are hit with serious dementia and are incapable of remembering, let alone acting on those plans? Incapable of any financial management? My grandmother died of Alzheimer's. She was declared, basically, brain dead in the last few months of her life because so little of her brain function remained. She needed advocates to ensure she had appropriate care for the last 5 years of her life. My grandfather spent £900 a week on care home fees after pulling her out of the council run home that left her sat in tears alone. You cant plan for that shit. I would never, ever leave my closest family to fend for themselves at the end of their lives.

kissthealderman · 23/07/2018 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointythings · 23/07/2018 20:45

I moved to another country (UK) when my parents were hale and hearty and still leading active working lives. Fast forward 21 years and my father is gone, my mother is slowly killing herself with self-neglect and alcohol. Could my Dsis and I have foreseen this? Should we have stayed close and not built our own lives? How much do we 'owe' our parents when we did not choose to be born? Each of us has to make those decisions for ourselves and no-one else has the right to judge us for the path we choose.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 23/07/2018 20:50

I couldn't do it but obviously others can and do. It depends on what family means to you I guess.

Norma27 · 23/07/2018 20:52

I think it is hard.
My mum moved abroad when I was 15 for 20 years do I didn’t have much of a relationship with her really.
She now lives about 2miles from me after moving back about 7 years ago and is in ill health. I am pretty much her full time carer now and don’t think I could move away as it would impact her too much. Life is short, but then you only get one set of parents.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/07/2018 21:17

There's a world of difference in moving when your parents are hale and hearty and moving when they're old and ill.

If you move when your parents are younger (as DH and I did for his job) your parents have the option of, at some point, moving closer to where you are, which my parents did when they got older and Dad was diagnosed with a degenerative neuro disorder. But older and ailing parents are simply not as able to pick up and move or adjust to the move if they did.

No, I'd never move now that my mum is ill and in a care home (severe dementia).

WeaselsRising · 23/07/2018 21:20

We were having a discussion about moving away (within UK, not abroad) but not while elderly mother around. Then realised that if we wait the chance is very high that one of us will go before her. She is hale and hearty with no issues and parents who both lived well into their 90s.

We have both had a number of health conditions that lead us to believe we'll be lucky to reach 70.

How long do you wait? Until you are infirm yourself?

mikado1 · 23/07/2018 22:17

Really thought provoking thread. It's likely to be complex and there's probably a reason why now, rather than wait a few months or years, in most cases anyway. All those saying you wouldn't move, do you mean it even an hour or two away, and have you ever had the desire or opportunity for a move? I think that does make a difference. I wouldn't judge anyone. I feel a lot of obligation and duty towards my DPs and tbh I envy people who feel freer.

agnurse · 23/07/2018 23:34

It's a very difficult question. While it's lovely that some people care for their parents in old age, many are not able to do so. Many older people live in care facilities because it is simply not an option for them to be cared for at home. For example, my grandmother has Alzheimer's. It's gotten to a point where it's no longer safe for her to be in her home alone and she is refusing basic hygiene care. It's much easier to deal with these types of issues if you're not an adult child.

Do you know why your ILs are moving? Maybe it's a financial or a health issue. It's not reasonable to expect someone to live where they can't afford to be or to ruin their health just to care for an aging parent. It's a very nuanced situation.

Original poster
LardLizard · 24/07/2018 00:05

They have said it’s partly to get away from dh gran
She s not actually unwell more she can’t get about easily and needs a lot of help

OP posts:
WarPigeon · 24/07/2018 00:10

I would say it’s selfish, but I have a very close family.

“She needs a lot of help” so they are moving away, words fail me....

MidniteScribbler · 24/07/2018 01:46

Being expected to do all of the caring for another person is very draining, and some older people really will allow others to run around for them when they may be able to do some things themselves. I have an elderly relative who lives with me and it's 'get me a cup of tea'. 'I left the remote control on the bench, get it', whilst she is perfectly capable of playing ten pin bowling three days per week. I wouldn't judge unless you really understand the relationship.

dailygrowl · 24/07/2018 02:27

It's OP's grandmother-in-law, not her own mother or her DH's mother. But I don't know - did her DH's gran raise DH from young? He and his wife can't be expected to be solely responsible for every single elderly family member and extended family. She (DH's gran) also has - from the post - at least one surviving offspring...shouldn't he bear some/all the responsibility? In most family hierarchies, you have responsibility for the parents/parent/family member who brought you up. You shouldn't have to bear (along with your spouse, who has her/his own obligations) the responsibility for every single childless aunt, uncle and both grandparents as well. Until we have more information, it's unfair to say OP is BU.

LeftRightCentre · 24/07/2018 02:37

They have said it’s partly to get away from dh gran
She s not actually unwell more she can’t get about easily and needs a lot of help

Some people like this are emotional vampires who will drain another person as much as they can. They'll also refuse to hire in help even when they can afford it. Or they'll expect the female to do all the donkey work because she's a woman. It's possible your dh gran is like this and they are escaping for that reason. YABU.

kateandme · 24/07/2018 03:18

that is really difficult.they obviously want to live out there "resting" years in a better place and you want to say good on em.but I don't know whether the guilt would be too much.
I mean what has gran said.ive known some to say to their kids they must go and they'll get help from carers etc.practically pushing there daughter to go live her own best life...in the end she couldn't bare leave her mum though even in that situation.
would she be able to get good care if they did go.
it needs a bigger discussion definitely.and even more so you dh needs to make sure they aren't thinking her will take over role as carer if he is not willing to do so!